The Assassinated Press

Christian Dating Services: A Great Place to Meet Fornicators But a Bad Place to Get Caught.
Guns, Alcohol, Crystal Meth Involved in 28,678 Killings of and by Christian Fornicators Who Met On Line.
“Christian Underclass Is Fucking Then Killing Each Other at an Alarming Rate,” Declares Former Reagan Director of Health and Human Services, Richard Speck.

Special to the Assassinated Press in Conjunction with Fly on the Wall Media

COCKN'BULL, Texas---Christian dating services and directories are everywhere, and they all seem to claim they are one of the "best Christian dating websites ". If you're a single, unattached human looking for a one night stand, a homosexual tryst, an underage Christian prostitute, lonely farm animals of the Bible or just a simple good old-fashioned extramarital affair you’ve heard so much about in your favorite country and western songs, Christian dating services are for you!

A recent Peu Research Report as well as the annual survey of records of Motel 6’s in the Deep South confirmed that Christian’s, and in particular Christian’s who meet online via Christian dating services, are responsible for an inordinate amount of illicit sex, venereal disease, unwanted pregnancies as well as deaths’ due to poor communication between fornicating parties.

“Fucking mixed with guns are a volatile brew. Throw in a bottle of Johnnie Walker and some rock I’ll get the body bags out the back of my pickup,” says Sheriff Dee Cline of Marbury County, Kentucky. “I’ll bet we got more crimes of passion in our county than Jim Bunnings got hemeroids.”

And it’s the Word of Christ that is bringing so many Christians together. “Fornication is mentioned by Jesus at least 22 times in the New Testament and that don’t even include farm animals,” said Pastor Jacob ‘Bugsy’ Mallard of Condom Alley, Arkansas. “I think people get the impression that Jesus was hung up on sex. And Paul. Well, just sounds like that fat prick couldn’t get it up.”

The reasons why members of the Christian underclass kill each other at a record rate are perfectly clear. But the reasons they use unbridled humping as a catalyst to self-destruction while uttering the Gospel of Jesus Christ remains a mystery.

"Jesus and Fucking Just Come Natural to Me."

“The prohibition in the Bible is clear. Don’t fornicate,” said Rev. Hezekiah Passwater of Fort Freeky, South Dakota. “But most in my congregation treat it like it was the fucking road to salvation. Go figger? And now with this internet many of my flock don’t literally have to fuck their flock. Sheep’s off the menu for a lot of these good ol’ boys when they can nail a 500 woman that owns her own trailer and meth lab down in Shites County just 480 miles from the county seat. Gives whole new meaning on how you gonna keep ‘em down on the farm. But I mean they’s going down on the farm too. There just ain’t no let up in this Christian fornicatin’.”

And no let up in Christian deaths by fornication.

‘Then Johnny Turned the Gun on Himself’ Law passes in Virginia.

“I blame it on GPS devices. It makes it easier for jealous spouses to find their unfaithful husbands and wives,” admits Ginger Pruddy who owns the Ford dealership in Fort Small Pox, South Dakota. “Gun control might help. But most of the victims are from the white Christian underclass and there’s not much enthusiasm for stopping the slaughter. I understand some states like Virginia want to accelerate the murders by treating gun laws like a bad memory. Good for them.”

Most of the Christian fornicators we interviewed for this article said that they are proud to finally again be number one at something.

They also claim being under siege by the Post-Civil War world with its black president and seen as little more military fodder by the ruling kleptocracy, the white Christian underclass has grown ever more close knit and paranoid. “Fuck we call the 69 sex position circling the wagons,” said Pastor Pat ‘Buggy’ Ames who runs a thriving sex and gun shop and Christian bookstore in downtown, Fort Maxopadoforminges, Texas.

“Dating these days is hard, especially for Born Again Christians who want to honor God in their fornication,” said Ethel Bowsoon of Fort Smackle, Missouri. “You want to find a good Christian dating service, but there are so many to choose from. I subscribe to them all and fornicate with someone from each service once a week at the local feedlot. But not on Sunday. On Sunday, my cooch belongs to the Lord.”

“The feedlot has always been a favorite place for Christian fornication,” said Bo Dukky of Fort Christian Cunt, Montana. “If a jealous husband finds his no good faithless Christian wife fucking somebody other than him or the Lord there’s not likely to be no good Christian children caught in the crossfire if the adults is caught fuckin’ down the feedlot. Most of our children are pregnant by other family members.”

“That’s another reason Christian fornicating services are so good. They introduce you to sexual partners who are not members of your immediate family,” said Jezebel Hoopie of Fort Slag Pit, Arkansas who claims to have fucked 4000 Christian men since joining Christian Boudoir Dating

There is a note of caution. Make sure the dating service site you trust is owned and operated by a born-again Christian or else the sex may not be as indiscriminate as a devout born-again might hope and gunplay and alcohol may be discouraged.

Born-again Christian underclass dating sites where you are guaranteed to pick up an STD in the first week if not shot dead by a crystal meth fressing, alcohol soaked jealous husband include Christian Underclass Online Bar and Grill, Swingles Christian Underclass Network, eHominy, Girls! Girls! Girls!, Christian Cooch and Rod, Church of Motel Dating, The Second Coming, Christian Underclass Mingle Bodily Fluids, Rapture Online Dating and Christian Erection Matchmaker.