The Assassinated Press

An Interview with Dick Cheney

Special to the Assassinated Press & Foxed Tongue Media

Yaso Adiodi: First, let me thank you for agreeing to talk with us here today.

Richard Cheney: It’s quite alright, Yaso. I’ve been an admirer of your work for many years.

A: Mr. Cheney, on behalf of our viewers I have to ask, what the fuck is wrong with you?

C: I beg your pardon?

A: People ask me all the time, “What the living shit is wrong with Dick Cheney?” Is it oxygen deprivation from the heart attacks? What? I think what they mean is what formative experiences in your past have help shape you into the pathological liar and murderer you are today.

C: Well, that’s so hard to say, Yaso. I’m not certain I know what you mean.

A: Well, let me back up a bit. What was your childhood like back in Caspar?

C: Yaso, it was idyllic. The mountains. The sweet methane stench of thousands of cattle which I early on associated with the sickening sweetness of death. Smashing field mice and gophers with a hammer. My symbolic first sexual experience was with a neighbor's sheep, Yaso. The rush I got when I murdered my Aunt Lulu when I was five. Kind of a typical all-American upbringing in the heartland. I tortured and killed small animals like gerbils and rabbits, the occasional cat or dog, but first I kept them caged as pets and gave them cute names like Fuzzy and Sawtooth.

A: What about this torture thing so much in the news right now?

C: Well, Yaso, frankly it’s overblown. I’m the shit who lead the U.S. into a war under false pretenses, lies if you will. My cronies and I created a series of Gulf of Tonkins bullshit scenarios with utterly no basis in fact that has led to the deaths of over a million people. Yet some assholes are getting incensed over a few incidents of torture.

A: But why torture?

C: Well, the official reason was first it was a bunch of underlings, then it wasn’t torture and now our bullshit line is that it provided valuable information although in the past the only information I considered valuable was ‘where the fuck is the money, or where the fuck is the oil, or where the fuck is the coltan.’ The real reason for the torture at Gitmo and Abu Ghraib is that my staff and I get off on it.

A: Pardon?

C: We get off on it. We masturbate to torture. See, the public’s misconception about the Project for the New American Century…

A: The PNAC?

C: Yes, the PNAC. Don’t interrupt, Yaso. The PNAC is an S&M club first and a cabal of policy stooges second. We’re not only bound by policy goals that focus on U.S. world domination, and coincidentally we also pleasure each other with binding, tying each other up and domination and believe me Addington and Yoo are some obese global fucks, fat, juicy and well worth dominating. Torture is our bete noir. Torture really gets us spooging. Oh, those reports of torture from Gitmo. O! O! O! Those photos of stacked asses from Abu Ghraib!! O!!! OOO!!!! (shuddering)

A: Sir, you’ve soiled your slacks and defiled our chair.

C: Mmmmmm. I feel so relaxed, Yaso.

A: Lets’ look a little more closely at your childhood. What was your father like?

C: Oh, my father was tall, strong, deeply religious. A real all-American role model. He taught me how suck bull semen and to hunt.

A: Yes, and we’ve all seen how handy you are with a weapon.

C: Yes. Like I said, he taught me how to use a rifle. We used to drive out to the Sioux reservation and pick off Indians with our vintage Remingtons. Thin the herd. He taught me how you had to lead a young buck more than say a child or an old woman because the buck can run faster. We made a little sniper’s nest in the trunk of our old Ford and just fired away. I heard later that the DC snipers, Malvo and that other fella, got the idea for their snipers nest in the trunk of a car from reading my memoir of my father, Daddy Dearest.

A: And your mom?

C: Well, my mom. She was a rock. The family anchor. I mean literally. My mom sunk like a stone. So when my dad and I went fishing we’d tie a rope around her neck and dump her overboard. She could hold her breath like a walrus. I believe she could store oxygen in her fat folds. Then we‘d all go home and she’d fry up the catch. But we had to stop eating the local fish. Whenever my mom cooked it up me and my dad would get violently ill. One day after a catch, my dad was eating a plate of lake trout and just keeled over dead. We buried him under the Route 87 overpass.

A: And your mom?

C: Oh, mom didn’t like fish. She said it was too fishy. She never touched the stuff.

A: What about your childhood friendship with your uncle Dwayne?

C: Well, uncle Dwayne met a tragic end.

A: He was a military man right?

C: Yes, he rose to the rank of major during the Second World War.

A: What became of uncle Dwayne?

C: Well, one day I took his service medals to school for show and tell. And when he found out he was furious and gave me good sound beating.

A: To build character?

C: Right. The old fashioned tried and true way. Spare the rod and all that shit.

A: And this was a very crucial experience to you as a boy growing up in the West.

C: Yeah. I was naturally humiliated.

A: So what did you do?

C: I honored my uncle, my elder, a veteran. I paid a hired hand $20.00 and a bottle of booze to give uncle Dwayne a twenty-one gun salute to the back of the head.

A: What about school?

C: School in Wyoming taught me several very valuable life lessons. First, never confront your enemy head on in the schoolyard. She’d probably beat the shit out of you. Wait, until it got dark and poison her prize 4-H sow or put sugar in the gas tank of her daddy’s tractor so he couldn’t bring in the crop and they’d have to foreclose on the farm.

A: All valuable life lessons. Anything else.

C: Yes, school and more importantly getting caught and having to have my father buy off the cops and the judge taught me about outsourcing. Why fucking take the risk when you can hire some other asshole to do it for you? As I’m sure you’re viewers are aware, I’ve carried that credo all throughout my professional life and even turned a hefty profit doing it. Whether it’s the fourth grade arsonist who under contract burns down the minister’s house or Eric Prince and his Blackwater felons or some backwater over weight National Guard unit, put those fuckers in harms way.

A: But what if they squeal?

C: Just fucking deny it. If that doesn’t work claim executive privilege. I’ve got the whole U.S. military, the federal government and FOX News to stooge for me. The military just follows orders. Can you imagine grown people still being told how to dress just like their mommy was still around? That’s a malleable lot. As for FOX News and the federal government; what kind of credibility do those career liars have? Shit gets out, I just deny it and Hannity gets the heat. I hear he’s going to be waterboarded. Can I get a clean towel for that?

A: Well, with such an idyllic childhood, could you explain to our audience why you turned into such murderous paranoid sociopathic liar?

C: I make no effort to hide what an evil piece of shit I am. Public life is full of warped, twisted devils like me. Karl Rove, Charles Manson, Richard Perle, Jeffrey Dahmer, Rush Limbaugh leap to mind. The PNAC is an entire cabal dedicated to plunging the world into abject misery for the benefit of the few. Where do sorry pricks like us come from? Genetics? Nature, nurture? Who the fuck knows? What is it in our makeup that produces a carnival freak like ‘Scooter’ Libby, David Addington or John Yoo? It’s a cosmic mystery like black holes or why Clint Eastwood is considered a great anything.

A: But have you ever reflected on your nature; why you’re the homicidal little shit that you are?

C: Pardon? I believe I’m extremely reflective. Extremely introspective. I spend 24/7 reflecting on how I can fuck people over. Other people need sleep. Other people need to eat and fuck. Other people watch TV or read a magazine or go to a club. But I don’t do anything without an eye on how it benefits me and whom I must kill to get it. Now, how many people do you know that you can say that about?

A: I’ll admit, not many. But don’t you see your single minded drive to slaughter your way to wealth as an aberration. Don’t you ever get the urge to wake up from the nightmare you’ve created for all of us including yourself and say, ‘shit, I’ve had six heart attacks, today I’m going to smell the roses?’

C: Nah. With all six of my near death experiences I actually saw the white light and smelled roses.

A: But what about the lies you told to the run up to the invasion of Iraq and after?

C: I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, if someone listens to the shit spewed by a Charles Manson, a Karl Rove, a Bernie Madoff, a Rush Limbaugh, or a Dick Cheney, they do so at their own peril. Nobody’s making them. People knew what I was and am. I’ve made no effort to conceal what I am unless you consider the minutes of the Energy Task Force or the torture memos or most of the documentation of my administration—oh excuse me Bush’s administration (laughter). The Commander ‘n’ Chimp (more laughter). I’m an open book. I’ve made a career of lying, pillaging and killing.

A: Fair enough. Then why do you think people continually act against their own self-interest and vote for absolute dicks like you?

C: Well, first I disagree with your characterization. I don’t think the rich ranchers of Wyoming were acting against their interests when they bought my services years ago. I don’t think super wealthy people anywhere have ever for one nano-second been disappointed in the tenor of my stewardship. I’ve grabbed food out of the mouths of the world’s babies and left them to starve, done shit that the kleptocracy didn’t even want to show what a team player I am. Self-interest is the name of the game for me. Every young person who wants to be like me or Bernie Madoff or Jeffrey Dahmer should read Ayn Rand.

A: Yes, I see. But I’m talking about the little guy. The guy that gets up everyday at 4:30, fights traffic and spends a long 10 hour day denying claims for Kaiser Permanente for a bogus $38,000 a year or designs weapons systems for Lockheed Martin that are used on his relatives back in Pakistan. You know, the salt of the earth type.

C: Yaso, we’ve known each other for many years. I consider you a friend. You as well as anyone know that I’ve always preached personal responsibility. If people don’t want to take responsibility for themselves and put people like me into power who will fuck them over at every turn, well, there’s nothing I can about that. A victim is a victim.

A: Hmm. I see your point.

C: Sure. Look I fabricated shit about the need to invade Iraq because my Energy Task Force buddies and their PNAC stooges thought it was a way to shift the strategic balance in the Middle East by giving America control over the second largest oil reserves in the region. I mean where does everyman fit into that except as a tool? I mean the oil companies can charge anything they want for gas. Last time I looked it was a free country, Obama or no Obama. So what’s in it for the schmuck on the ground in Iraq, or Peoria for that matter?

A: So you’re saying that people aren’t discerning when it comes to their governing choices?

C: No, I’m saying they aren’t discerning about anyfuckingthing at all. Look at the culture. A population like that is easily victimized. I would go so far as to say that America was built on the victimization of its lower classes. The lower classes have done the kleptocracy’s dirty work since before the American Revolution. They wiped out the Indians, fought a civil war to defend slavery because it was comparatively more servitude than the southern whites experienced; they fought numerous wars to the benefit of the rich. And all for a pittance, a trailer or tract home and some bullshit about how superior they were just by virtue of living in the general vicinity as Bill Gates or J. Paul Getty. I’m a great fan of Major General Smedley Butler. Butler, after serving in the Marine Corps and receiving the Medal of Honor twice, only man to receive it twice, wrote ‘War Is a Racket’ a clear and concise description of me and my kind. But has anyone heard of him? Fuck no! Because of people like you, Yaso in the media making certain his name never gets mentioned. I bet you’ve never heard of him either?

A: No sir, I haven’t.

C: The fucker knew the system from the inside but still to this day, motherfuckers like me can play the American electorate like a meat kazoo.

A: The Domino Theory, the Gulf of Tonkin, Secret Peace Plan, Nicaraguan threat, WMD, yellow cake from Niger, Iraqi connections to al-Qaeda---all horse shit?

C: Yep. (Laughter)

A: Mr. Cheney…(More Laughter).

C: Pretty funny shit!?

A: Dick, what about Obama?

C: That fucker better watch out or there’s going to be shit falling from the sky that’s going to make 9/11 look like the pyrotechnics at a Kiss reunion concert.

A: You’ll fuck him up if he gets out of line?

C: Absofuckinlutely. Fuck him right up. I have my own private assassination squad you know. But I won’t need it to discredit that limp wristed asshole.

A: Yeah. Mr. Cheney, I know that many of our viewers are curious as to why Halliburton pulled up stakes and moved to the Democratic Republic of Dubai.

C: Yaso, I’m often asked that question. Many people have jumped to the conclusion that we moved Halliburton to Dubai because we were afraid of prosecution for fraud, murder and the reckless endangerment of U.S. troops in Iraq, Somalia, Sudan, Congo, Albania, Afghanistan etc. But in reality we moved Halliburton headquarters because Dubai has the largest concentration of luxury car dealerships in the world. Besides there are hundreds of small Halliburton subsidiaries operating in the U.S. If Holder and the Justice Department want to go after some low level KBR vice-president more power to him. They’re a fucking dime an dozen.

A: Is it true that you have personally worked hard to prevent an extradition treaty between the U.S. and Dubai and 36 other countries where U.S. white collar criminals are hold up or have their money hold up.

C: What worked hard? Like James McMurtry says in one of his songs: “Money don’t talk when its one of their own.”

A: Dick, many veterans complain that you are unabashed war monger yet you did everything in your power to avoid military service including contracting syphilis when you were of draft age at the time of the Invasion of Southeast Asia. What do you say to those critcs about your 5 deferments especially those critics especially those who have lost a limb or three or walk around with shrapnel in their cerebral cortex who think if you’re going to be a bloody minded cocksucker you should put your ass on the line?

C: Look I’ve been Secretary of Defense. A good Defense Secretary has to see people and materiel as just pieces on an enormous chessboard. That’s why we’ve got those military mockups with the tiny tanks and shit. It’s like voodoo. If got pissed off and knocked over half of our pieces the personnel those fetishes represented would die. Same shit with computerized war games. One fucked up keystroke and a whole battalion could wake up in Antarctica or in the digital inferno Johnny von Neumann has prepared for all of us.

A: So you take a dim view of the quality and social standing of our service men?

C: I have to agree with Barbara Bush’s Katrina assessment on this one. The people who serve have never had it so good. Besides if they could have made it on the outside one would assume they would have.

A: How true. Like you and me.

C: Well that’s a little apples and oranges, Yaso, don’t you think? I mean I still have secret hit squads on Federal retainer. If I wanted to I could have you snuffed during this goddamn interview. Can you do that?

A: Well no. And I didn’t mean to give offense. My understanding is that you did belong to a quasi-military organization in college---the Spartan Meat Beaters. Do you care to elaborate?

C: Oh man, that really takes me back. The Meat Beaters were the first ones to move to integrate Wyoming University so we could see what a real lynching was like. We also had an initiation rite which involved kidnapping an Indian and taking out her out to the boonies and raping and beating her to death.

A: Why was the club called the Meat Beaters.

C: Nothing subtle there. The club was named for the physical act which most reflected our personal goals--masturbation.

A: Onanism?

C: That’s right, one of the world's three great religions, the onanistic rites of jerking off and pulling out—what we thought the brass and those chumps in Vietnam were doing while we were whooping it up and beating up barmaids and shop girls. So we started a mock or should I say ‘mocking’ ceremony. We’d all strip naked and grab our tiny pricks with our right hand, a bottle of Seagram’s in our left. Then someone would read a poem or letter by a Vietnam vet or his forlorn kid or widow. Then after the howls of laughter died down, the reader would take another swig of Seagram’s and jack off and while he spooged all over the other members he’d shout “incoming.” This is the way I passed my years at Wyoming.

A: What about at Yale? Did you try the Skull and Bones.

C: Yaso, I just found Yale’s Skull and Bones rites too twisted and depraved.

A: Is it true that academically you were a fuck up in college?

C: It took me six years to graduate with a BA in Outsourcing. Did you know I outsourced all of my term papers in college and bought privileged ‘briefing papers’ before quizzes and tests? I fucked up to the top, you might say.

A: What do you say to your critics that found your comment to Patrick Leahy, you know, when you told him to “Go fuck yourself.” How do you respond to those critics?

C: I’d say to them “Go fuck yourself.”

A: Do you have any advice for our young viewers?

C: Sure. I know I put down the Skull and Bones’ rites as too “depraved.” But look around you. Who has inherited the earth---the sick and depraved like me. You need look no further than my recent staff. Take ‘Scooter’ Libby who writes novels with scenes about bears raping little girls who are kept in cages and has the demeanor of someone who has peeled off his own skin to avoid revealing anything about himself. Or take my two obese lawyers David Addington and John Yoo. Addington looks like the before picture for a Save the Whales fund drive. And Yoo. Yoo looks a 500 pound Asian hairless schoolgirl. It’s no wonder they love torture. Their very physical presence exudes depravity. And along with my depraved self they lorded it over tens of millions of innocent people. So my advice to the kids out there, if you’ve got a little or a lot of Hitler or just plain Freddy Kruger in you, cherish it, and cultivate it. And one day you too can become a Dick Cheney.

A: Thank you Mr. Cheney.

C: My pleasure Yaso.

The entire interview can be seen on youtube or via NASA satellite hook up in conjunction with Fly on the Wall Media Enterprises.