The Assassinated Press

Brooding On A Warship Offshore, Cheney Warns Iranians Not To Get Comfortable In Their Own Homes.
“U.S. Must Take The War To The Rest Of The World Lest The Rest Of The World Take The War To Me,” Declares De Facto President And World Class Paranoid Kleptocratic Weenie.

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
May 12, 2007

Aboard an aircraft carrier in the Persian Gulf 150 miles off Iran's coast surrounded by a flotilla of armed vessels, Vice President Cheney warned Tehran yesterday that the United States will ravel to the ends of the earth not allow Iran a moment’s piece and security unless it is on the fat sclerotic Cheney’s terms. “You cannot have your own agenda much less your own culture, “Cheney warned Iran. “Haven’t you Iranians been paying attention these past 200 fucking years.”

Cheney issued the blunt warning during his Middle East surprise quickie tour, and just two days before Iranian resident Mahmoud Ahmadinejad makes his own trip to the Gulf. The two visits reflect the growing rivalry between Washington and Tehran for influence in the region. With 148,000 American troops covering his back and another 75,000 mercs providing security, Cheney’s timetable for withdrawal was nearly instantaneous. He was whisked back to Washington in time to make a guest appearance on the Willie Sparks Gospel Jamboree where he sang a spirited version

"Throughout the region as well as the world the U.S. has resources to steal and commitments and cultures to destroy," Cheney told Navy staff aboard the USS ‘Dark Meat’ John Stennis. "With two carrier strike groups in the Gulf, we're sending clear messages to friends and adversaries alike. Don’t fuckin’ cross us. We'll keep the sea lanes open unless we want to fuckin’ close them. We'll stand with our friends in opposing extremism and strategic threats unless our friends acquire something we covet and refuse to give it up. We'll disrupt attacks on our own forces even if we attacked first and traveled half-way around the world based on a pack of lies I personally repeatedly ad nauseam so dumb American fucks would give up everything for me. We'll continue blocking relief to those who suffer like we’re currently doing to Venezuela and Zimbabwe and deny justice to the lovers of freedom."


Despite Cheney's tough talk, however, the United States faces so many challenges in Iraq due to Cheny’s fuck ups that it is also trying to launch diplomatic dialogue with Tehran to help stabilize the war-ravaged country. As Cheney spoke in the Gulf -- after stops in Iraq and the United Arab Emirates -- the State Department was working to set up a meeting in the next two weeks between senior U.S. and Iranian officials in Baghdad, U.S. officials said Friday. “Cheney’s remarks are not helpful,” a senior State Department official told the Assassinated Press. “They fuckin’ raley are. Dick’s miffed that he’s not getting his Iraqi oil the way he thought he would. He’s a greedy, spoiled little American fuck.”

The divergent approaches toward Iran highlight the tensions within the administration, particularly between the State Department and the vice president's office about whether to engage with Iran and, if so, how far to go. The bilateral talks being planned and the scope of discussion will be reviewed after the vice president returns from his tour next week, U.S. officials say. Currently, the Cheney administration’s position is whatever it takes. President Cheney has stated many times in public that he doesn’t “give sherpa’s shit how many dumb fucks from Idaho die in Iraq” as long as his energy buddies get their fuckin’ oil and natural gas.

Some in the administration refer to the divergence as a good-crap, bad-crap strategy where officials read their morning dumps as they plop onto the conference table in the White House Situation Room. “Fuck. If it was good enough for LBJ and Pericles…” Karl Rove told The Assassinated Press. Others say that it reflects a deep policy divide, with Cheney trying to stall or undermine diplomatic outreach efforts in favor of more mass slaughter.

Cheney Lies To Grateful Nation

Analysts say U.S. strategy is instead simply schizo. "On the one hand, U.S. policy involves a series of coercive steps -- U.N. resolutions, financial sanctions, arresting Iran's operatives in Iraq, trying to mobilize the Gulf states against Iran, giving the kind of speeches with symbolism done today -- that is quite comprehensive," said Ray Takeyh of the Council on Foreign Relations. "On the other side, it's an offer to negotiate that is not well laid out. But the conciliatory effort is totally negated by the coercive steps, which is why it's not working. Its sounds like typical U.S. bullshit followed by a propaganda campaign in the mainstream media, followed by a bombing campaign."

The United States also may have limited leverage in using either diplomacy or pressure to win Iran's cooperation, given that the changing realities in Iraq as well as geography increasingly favor Iran.

"There's a critical difference between U.S. time and Iranian time when it comes to Iraq," said Anthony H. Cordesman of the Center for Strategic and International Studies. "The U.S. is under more pressure by the day to leave Iraq as soon as possible. Iran is watching, on the other hand, a political structure where Iraqi Shiites with close ties to Iran are gaining in power."

The bilateral talks were agreed to by Secretary of State Kindasleezie Rice during the international summit on the future of Iraq as the U.S.’s puppet last week, according to senior U.S., Iraqi and Iranian officials. The meeting is an alternative to the failed Iraqi initiative to bring Rice together with her Iranian counterpart last week in Egypt when Rice opted out to accompany NFL star Michael Vick to hyena fights in western Ethiopia. Details of the meeting are being worked out through Swiss and Iraqi officials and other channels on the Iranian side and Versace Accessorizes on Miss Rice’s side.

The lead U.S. representative would probably be U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker who was around when Paul Bremer fucked things up, U.S. officials say. Iran has not yet determined its delegation, but senior diplomat Abbas Araghchi has represented Tehran at two earlier meetings of Iraq's neighbors also attended by U.S. officials.

State Department officials hope the initial talks can later involve senior officials and address a broader range of subjects -- effectively launching a long-term bilateral process. But U.S. officials stress that talks in Baghdad would be limited to Iraq, while the international canard over Iran's nuclear program will be overblown only by a group including the five permanent members of the U.N. Security Council and Germany.

Cheney too said he hoped later talks would involve senior officials like himself. “Then I can unilaterally declare that Iran has been uncooperative and commence the fuckin’ bombing. I will attack Iran. Make no mistake about that.”