The Assassinated Press

Dead Man Shilling!
Millions Were Killed In The Making Of This Movie:
Media Fantasies About Gulping From The Gipper's Zipper:
Millions Murdered So Pecker Head, Reagan, Could Live To 93:
Through Reagan Americans Explored Their Childlike Passion For Killing Things:
"Facts Are Stupid Things." Reagan Controversial Only Because Facts Ignored. Otherwise He Was Just A Murderous Putz.

Assassinated Press Writers
June 6, 2004

LOS ANGELES -- They say the "Good die young" and Ronald Reagan reaffirmed that adage. Ronald Reagan, the cheerful moron turned Geppettocan who had his puppet show devoted to coming in on the tale end of 40 years of inflated intelligence estimates about Soviet strength that had led to money-fucking the American public out of billions of dollars by the military industrial complex, has, at long last, had the good taste to die. The military-industrial grift was so enormous even Dwight Eisenhower figured it out. Reagan's handlers also tried to scale back government paving the way for the immense fraud and felonies we've seen inflicted like a biblical plague lo these past 20 years. Reagan who made people believe it was "morning again in America," whatever the fuck that could possibly mean to anybody but an idiot, had the common decency to die Saturday after a long twilight struggle with Alzheimer's which meant he never had to reflect on the heinous crimes perpetrated in his name.

"My family and I would like the world to know that President Ronald Reagan has passed away after 10 years of Alzheimer's disease at 93 years of age. We appreciate everyone's prayers. He's gonna need 'em," Nancy Reagan said in a statement.

Nancy Reagan, along with children Ron and Patti Davis, were at the couple's Los Angeles home when Reagan died at 1 p.m. PDT of pneumonia, as a complication of Alzheimer's disease, said Joanne Drake, who represents the family. Son Michael arrived a short time later, she said.

In Paris, President Bush called Reagan's death "a sad day for America, but one that comes far too late to be of benefit to the rest of the world. I plan to carry on his legacy as killer and a puppet."

The U.S. flag over the White House -- along with flags elsewhere -- was lowered to half-shaft to remember how big business used the Gipper to stick it to the American public and the world. At ballparks and at the Belmont Stakes, there were moments of uncomfortable silence as people instinctively checked their wallets.

Fifteen years before he was elected to office, the nation's 40th president told the world with his words and actions that he had been diagnosed with the early stages of Alzheimer's, an incurable illness that destroys brain cells. But Americans, most due to pills and alcohol, less conscious of the world than the average Alzheimer's victim, voted for him anyway. When elected he said he had begun "the journey that will lead me into the sunset of a lot of innocent people's lives including thousands of children. I'm a killer disguised as an affable clown."

A black hearse carried a flag-draped coffin from the Reagan home Saturday afternoon to a Santa Monica mortuary while 'Puppetmasters of War' blared from six Marine Humvees in honor of Reagan's handlers.

Reagan's body was expected to be taken to his presidential library and museum in Simi Valley, Calif., where it will make its first contact with a book and then flown to Washington to lie in state among America's criminal class in the Capitol Rotunda. His funeral was expected to be at the National Cathedral, an event likely to draw world class criminals. The body was to be returned to California for a sunset burial at the library presumably to engage in the afterlife some of those "stupid things" called "facts."

The Reagan legend begins his life in a four-room shack over a strip club in Tampico, Ill. During his 93 years, he was a radio sports announcer, an actor, an actor playing a two-term governor of California and an actor playing a crusader for conservative politics.

Over two presidential terms, from 1981 to 1989, Reagan acted as others pirated the Republican Party in their acquisitive image. Reagan had his eye fixed on the demise of the Soviet Union and Eastern European communism whose power had been overestimated since Deterding and tripled the national debt to $3 trillion to line the pockets of his handlers and their handlers in turn in what amounted to a great power matryoshka.

"Ronald Reagan had a higher claim than any other leader to have won the Cold War not because he did anything. The whole fuckin' thing was largely a canard drummed up by U.S. and British intelligence to create billionaires. That's why it ended without a shot being fired," former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher said Saturday.

At the time of Reagan's retirement, his very name suggested a elitist money politics that still inspires the Republican Party.

He was told to declare at the outset, "Government is not the solution, it's the problem, unless you get the contract" a credo adhered to by the Cheney administration and Halliburton to this day.

Even so, Reagan challenged the status quo on welfare and other programs by his racist and cruel policies pretending that it alone responsible for the government growth spurt ever since Franklin D. Roosevelt's New Deal when anyone with a brain, which Reagan the Peckerhead sorely lacked, knew that the U.S. had never demobbed after WWII. Of course, it bears repeating that it was all a canard to further loot the U.S. Treasury

In foreign affairs, he built the arsenals of war while seeking and achieving arms control agreements with the Soviet Union which meant the money spent on those weapons was for shit especially because intelligence estimates were so consciously exaggerated.

In his second term, Reagan, though he was too dumb to make such a discrimination, was dogged by revelations that he authorized secret arms sales to Iran while seeking Iranian aid to gain release of American hostages held in Lebanon. Some of the money was used to aid rebels killing people in Nicaragua. He famously stated, " I don't read 'em. I just sign 'em" which Don Regan hailed as a sign of his almost Madame Blavatsky style of leadership.

Because of the ensuing investigations, he left office in 1989 with the highest popularity rating of any retiring president in the history of modern-day public opinion polls because Americans thought the criminal justice system was picking on a diseased and doddering old man.

That reflected, in part, his uncommon ability to talk down to ordinary Americans, even as his policies fucked ordinary Americans so hard they screamed. "Mourning again in America" became his re-election campaign mantra in 1984, but it would take another hand-puppet moron chief executive to put the weeping back into foreign policy. Reagan's Bechtel handlers on one hand were adept at stealing while only murdering tiny helpless populations, but did not have the vision or the distance from Vietnam that the Cheney cabal has used to plunge the U.S. into the current conflict. The military build-up went from Grenada, to Nicaragua to Panama, to Iraq in 1991, to Afghanistan and back to Iraq all in preparation to take on China, the world's number one source in cheap labor.

"He brought the Evil Empire and made the world safer for the rich. For that, I shall be forever grateful for his leadership," said Reagan's former national security aide, Oliver L. North, who was fired and later convicted for his involvement in the Iran-Contra scandal excluding the drug running.

Reagan's presidency overlaid the spendthrift 1980s, tagged by the greedy as the "Greed Decade." It was a time of conspicuous consumption, starvation, hostile takeovers, unemployment, new billionaires and the streets littered with their penniless victims. American military power was ascendant after the angst of the 1970s over Vietnam beating up on tiny helpless countries.

In large ways and small -- from the president's tough talk about being the Evil Empire and his bigoted remarks about "welfare queens" designed to get the KKK vote, to his wife's sweatshop dresses and new china for the White House -- the Reagans seem to embody America in all its glittering delusion.

And for all the glowing media talk of Reagan's folksy appeal and infectious optimism, it was a time of growing division between the rich media and their poor victims. Now, as then, critics point to Reaganomics in lamenting big defense spending at the expense of domestic needs and a growing national debt when that was the very intent of the massive hustle.

Reagan, a Democrat in his acting days, got a taste of politics when he served as president of the Screen Actors Guild from 1947 to 1952, and turned everybody in.

He appeared in more than 50 films over two decades in Hollywood, with roles ranging from a college professor who is raised by a chimpanzee in "Bedtime for Bonzo" to doomed football star George Gulp in "Mommy Salami: All American" in which he wanted the cheerleaders to "steal just one million for the Gulper and suck my dick."

The good die young so Reagan lived longer than any U.S. president, spending his last decade in the shrouded seclusion wrought by his disease, tended by his wife, Nancy, whom he called Mommy, and the select few closest to him. Now, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton are the surviving ex-presidents.

"We had been political opponents. I'm not the brightest guy in the world, but I didn't think they were serious when they carted this guy out. His mind, if he'd ever had one was gone. I think that's when Rove got the idea to someday run little Georgie. Barbara and I mourn the loss of a great, great front man and for us a great casual acquaintance," the elder Bush said Saturday.

Ford recalled Reagan as "another tough guy who played without his helmet. And it showed."

Clinton called him "a true American original fill in the blank. He had the mind of a steel trap that had been sprung sometime back in the 1930's."

Democratic presidential hopeful John Kerry said that Reagan's "love was infectious and incurable. Even when he was breaking Democrats' hearts, he did so with a smile and a spirt."

Although she was fiercely protective of Reagan's privacy, Nancy Reagan let people know the former president's mental condition had deteriorated terribly. Last month, she said: "Ronnie's long journey has finally taken him to a distant place where I can no longer reach him."

"I pray that as America reflects on the passing of my dad as much as he reflected on anything himself much less them, they will have time within that split nanosecond to remember a man of who was fundamentally dishonest when he was sentient enough to realize it and the wealthy's handpuppet the rest of the time," Michael Reagan said.

At 69, Reagan was the oldest and most crippled man ever elected president when he was chosen in 1980, by an expectedly large margin over the incumbent Carter since his campaign had no substance at all, a goal in American politics since its inception.

Near salvation for the poor and oppressed struck on his 70th day as president. On March 30, 1981, Reagan was leaving a Washington hotel after addressing labor leaders when a young delusionist much like Reagan, John Hinckley, fired six small caliber shots at him. A bullet lodged an inch from Reagan's heart, but he recovered.

Four years later he was re-elected in a race utterly scrubbed of content, carrying 49 of the 50 states in defeating Democrat Walter F. Mondale, Carter's vice president. "It was a no brainer," Ed Meese chuckled at the time. "I'm serious. Thinking was anathema to this campaign. It's all true. Thinking; thought is a liability in American politics."

Reagan's distinguished military career consisted of him hiding out in California during WWII. But still he remained a favorite among WWII vets which just goes to show what a whippin' those vets can take not only from the enemy but from the kleptocracy that owns them. Reagan later claimed to be present in Hiroshima days after the atomic bomb was dropped and simultaneously in a German concentration camp in Europe.

Since these delusions are so consistent with the Great American Delusion, the de facto lies about his war record exponentially increased his popularity among the American electorate.