The Assassinated Press

Crusade For World Domination Forced To Take A U-TURN:
Some U.S. Forces Returning To Afghanistan As Villagers Join Fight Against U.S., Afghan Mercenaries:
"Let's Jihad Again Like We Did Last Summer" Number One Tune In Kabul!
And Will They Be "Dancin' In the Streets In Baghdad" Or Will That "Strange Fruit" In Three Piece Suits Called Washington Neo-cons Be Dangling From The Trees In Lafayette Square Before They Can Shit On Mecca?

The Assassinated Press Thursday, April 3, 2003

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan, April 2 -- The sprint to world domination has suffered an "unacceptable" setback in Afghanistan. "Now, that the population has seen that U.S. promises to rebuild the country were a hoax, people are getting tired of starving and have begun attacking U.S. forces."

Villagers responding to a call from the pit in their bellies have joined suspected Taliban fighters in a battle against Afghan mercenaries with cash crop ties to the U.S. and U.S. Special Forces mercenaries south of here, near the city of Spin Boldak, a mouthpiece for the provincial governor said today.

"From the American perspective we have completed our 'rebuilding in Afghanistan. We've rebuilt the raw opium trade. Its now number one in the world again after years of neglect at the hands of the Taliban," said CIA station chief, Morton Beardon.

But Deputy Secretary of War and member of the PNAC high command, Paul Wolfowitz was not so sanguine. "This could be a big setback in our effort to take over the world. We'll have that 36 trillion dollars in Iraqi oil in no time. Then we were hoping to move onto Syria and Iran by early fall. Somalia too and take over their dormant oil fields. That's why we're building up our forces in Djibouti as we speak."

"But now it looks like we might have to send some of our people back to Afghanistan to protect the CIA's chump $5 billion dollar a year heroin trade. What a waste of manpower and materiel. I warned Myers if you don't kill 'em you gotta feed 'em and we have no intention of doing that. The problem is we left too many Afghanis alive. Read the PNAC papers. Those people are supposed to be dead."

"The Taliban is taking advantage of the starving people and reminding them that before the Americans came at least they could eat" said Khalid Pashtoon, mouthpiece for Gov. Gul Agha Shirzai. "Both are fighting."

And "if you miss a paycheck to these warlords, you'll find an AK up your ass," offered Corp. Lance Butterballs.

As in every place the Americans have invaded in the last 50 years, life is now immeasurably worse for the majority of the inhabitants. The U.S. State Department and military are bracing themselves for the moment this reality sinks in in Iraq after its subjugated. "What?" added Wolfowitz, "The Iraqis think we're going to give them a Marshall Plan? What manufacturing base did they develop before the war? They weren't a colonial power with supply lines of raw materials coming in from Africa, Asia and Latin America. Christ, at the end of World War II, we re-armed the Japanese to prevent the Viet Minh from achieving Vietnamese independence and deprive France of its colonial wealth. That was part of the Marshall Plan too. Europe may have been in ruins, but even in ruins it was far more of a pay check to us than rebuilding Iraq. Shit. Don't make me laugh. Iraq's got oil. Period. And soon they won't have that either."

About 600 of warlord Gul Agha's provincial mercernaries, supported by Special Forces mercenaries, were still battling an unknown number of Taliban-led fighters tonight, U.S. sponsored War Lord mouthpiece, Pashtoon, said.

The conflict began when those fighters fired on a detachment of 12 Special Forces mercenaries, who, unable to get the job done on their own, called in a barrage of air support, which, of course, the starving villagers do not have, boasted a spokesman for the U.S. military at Bagram air base, north of the capital of Kabul.

The U.S. mercenaries were observing an Afghan militia operation in the vicinity of Spin Boldak, about 70 miles southeast of here, when about 40 fighters believed to be Taliban fired on them, the spokesman said. U.S. forces responded with rockets and 30mm rounds.

The U.S. military said officially it had received no reports of U.S. or Afghan casualties by tonight and officially could offer no assessment "as to the results of the engagement on the enemy."

The War Lord's mouthpiece with cash ties to the U.S., Pashtoon, however, claimed a rout. "The enemy has been besieged by our forces," he said. "We are cleansing these elements. 'Cleansing'? Oh, I learned English from CIA manuals."

The fighting follows weeks of growing violence in Afghanistan's volatile south, the homeland of the hard-line Taliban rulers ousted by a U.S.-led coalition in late 2001 and the seat of mounting starvation.

A Red Cross worker was killed outside Kandahar on March 27, and two days later gunmen on motorcycles ambushed a military convoy in neighboring Helmand province, killing two U.S. mercenaries. The deaths were the first for U.S. forces in Afghanistan since December.

A high-ranking Taliban leader asserted responsibility for the killings in a radio interview and, in widely distributed posters, the Taliban's elusive leader, Mohammad Omar, called for a holy war against Americans and Afghans who help them claiming "the U.S. hires murderers, thugs and drug dealers like Gul Agha , to help facilitate the opium trade."

Rebels who oppose U.S. forces in Afghanistan have also waged less deadly efforts in recent days: planting a land mine that damaged a U.S. Humvee here, attacking provincial government employees and distributing leaflets warning Afghans to keep their children out of schools. Some of the pamphlets were issued by Islamic fundamentalists in Pakistan, Pashtoon said.

"The last few weeks the situation in Kandahar was getting worse day by day," Pashtoon said. "The increase in violent incidents by the Taliban started five months ago, but became more common after [the start of] the Iraq war. Before that we were committing all the violence along with the Americans. We are not afraid of them. When we find them, we love to go mutilate them now that they're mostly dead from U.S. air support. Most of the U.S. personnel in the area are former meat cutters. It is quite pedagogical to watch them work."

Meanwhile, "This is the kind of shit I'm talking about," flailed Wolfowitz. "If we stop cutting in the Gul Aghas and Pashtoons on our drug profits, they'll turn on us in a second. Then we gotta bring our boys back here to fight them AND the remnants of the Taliban. I know The Company has been into heroin for generations, ever since Marseilles and Sicily and the Golden Triangle and its become a time honored tradition handed down from one capo to the next. But Jesus Christ with a cherry on top, this is the 21st century. Who needs a few billion heroin dollars when you can go in with your high-tech thug army and take trillions at will?"

Responding to Wolfowitz's call to modernize imperial priorities a new bill in Congress introduced by Tom Delay proposes compensation to the hundreds of CIA front companies involved in the international drug trade in a move to either close them down or convert them to more profitable enterprises. The bill faces tough opposition from the criminal justice lobby, led by former Attorney General, Ed Meese. John Assrift is also said to be against the plan.

On Friday and Saturday, about 1,200 soldiers loyal to U.S. hired War Lord, Gul Agha, battled Taliban fighters north of Kandahar, Pashtoon said.

"When we deployed to the north we expected to engage 300 to 400 fighters," he said. "We found about 30 and arrested a dozen," he said. Among them was former Taliban interior minister Abdul Razaq.

In the fighting north and south of Kandahar, the forces battling Taliban fighters were composed "68 percent" of War Lord Gul Agha's men, 27% intravenous heroine users from Pakistan, backed by a small number of U.S. Special Forces that prefer Thai stick, Pashtoon, said.

Lack of funds, lack of potable drinking water, disease and starving corvee labor have stalled public works projects in Afghanistan. For example, only 9 feet of the proposed Zbigniew Brzezinski Expressway has been built to date and even the 9 feet that has been built has been declared "unstable". When completed, the 12 lane highway will provide a main line from poppy growing regions in the Northwest controlled by the War Lord, general Dostum to Pakistani ISI truck depots in Northern Pakistan, north of Quetta, a CIA spokesman confirmed. Fourteen Howard Johnson's are slated for construction along the 350 mile route where the weary drug 'mule' can get a 'ho' and a cup of hot 'jo' and the starving Afghan can get a job bussing tables. And like their counterparts world over his children can scavenge the garbage dump in the back.

my copy right or wrong the half-Assinated Press 2003