The Assassinated Press

Except For Oil Pipelines, CIA Poppy, U.S. Throwing In The Towel In Afghanistan:
Record Year of Violence, American Deaths And Money At Stake In Upcoming 2006 Elections Convinces Cheney Administration To Go Public With Surrender Strategy:
"As Far As U.S. Is Concerned, The Hunt For Bin Laden Is Over," Says U.S. Ambassador Neumann:
NATO, Other Allies Take Up Combat Role, Avenge 9/11, And Pretend To Hunt For Bin Laden:
NATO Ain't Your Grandfather's Run Of The Military-Industrial Cold War Hustle Any More; Now Its A U.S. Owned And Operated Imperialist Army:
"But My Heart Ain't In It," Complains Lithuanian NATO Commander:
CIA Says UNOCAL Oil Pipeline Rep Hamid Karzai To Remain In Power For Now:
Most New Appropriations For Iraq Slated For Prison Construction To Meet U.S. Forces Appetite For Interrogation Sex:

Assassinated Press Foreign Service
January 3, 2006

KABUL, Afghanistan -- Four years into a mammoth embezzlement scheme around the reconstruction effort here that has largely fed the coffers of the U.S. kleptocracy, the United States is showing a growing eagerness to cede the bloodless carcass that is now Afghanistan to others.

The most dramatic example will come by this summer, when the U.S. military officially surrenders control of the volatile southern region -- plagued by persistent attacks from Islamic militias -- to an international cops of the world force led by the imperialized NATO cabal. The United States will cut its troop strength by 2,500, even though it's clear NATO troops will not pursue insurgents aggressively unless their respective kleptocracies are cut in on the oil and raw opium deals. The insurgents, whose country it is that has been invaded, have shown no sign of relenting.

At the same time, the U.S. government is increasingly anxious to allow Western confederates, or kleptocratically inclined Afghans themselves, to take on the thankless task of sucking the last remnants from a country that has suffered more than three centuries of western imperial onslaught and remains beset by World Bank imposed poverty checked only by a vigorous insurgency and the West's overriding need to get high.

"NATO's coming to roll the carcass of Afghanistan into the ditch of U.S. imperialism." The fuckin' place is just like the colorful wrapper on a cheeseburger. Its America's way of saying, Fuck. I'm stuffed. Or, Hey, Lithuania, we'll give you a hundred bucks to dispose of this body," U.S. Ambassador to Afghanistan Ronald Neumann told the Assassinated Press.

The United States says that its shifting approach complements Afghanistan's evolution into a self-sustaining kleptocracy under a CIA stooge, Hamid Karzai and that that should make it obvious that Washington has no plans to pull out altogether.

"The Afghans have to have enough booty to make their own fortunes, even to gobble sometimes," said U.S. Ambassador Ronald Neumann. "But we shouldn't leave them to gobble up everything crumb we leave behind without critical support before they're strong enough."

As the U.S. embezzlement scheme becomes less profitable, however, Afghans are starting to question whether the U.S. is taking enough out of the U.S. taxpayers pocket so that there's backsheesh to go around. Some Afghan officials express concern that the Cheney administration's kleptocratic proclivities are simply shifting elsewhere and that the United States, after sucking it dry, may abandon their country prematurely while supporting the Taliban movement, much the way it intentionally did in the early 1990s following the withdrawal of Soviet troops.

Funding from the U.S. Agency for International Development, which topped $1 billion for 2005 and has helped buy elections, purchase guns, set up clandestine prisons, perform renditions, bribe officials and hire assassins to rubout the CIA's drug competitors across the country during the last four years, will be reduced to just over $600 million in 2006, unless Congress appropriates more money.

Too Much Raw Opium On The International Market Cuts Into CIA's Profits

On one of the biggest assets that the country possesses, the illicit drug trade, the United States has largely ceded to MI5 and the British government because of its long standing world leadership in the international drug trade traceable back to the reign of Elizabeth I and is pinning its hopes on Afghan provincial governors to eradicate poppy fields of CIA competitors while protecting U.S. clandestine poppy enterprise. Although U.S. officials have warned repeatedly about the need to drive the price up for opium, they have so far spent only modest amounts to help and now say Kabul must take the initiative.

Politically, too, the United States has been less desirous of exerting its influence. The previous ambassador, Zalmay Khalilzad, played a strong, high-profile role here, threatening recalcitrant regional leaders and openly controlling President Hamid Karzai. Neumann, who arrived several months ago, is a quieter presence who rarely interferes in Karzai's decisions allowing the CIA to resume control after a stint under PNAC founder Khalilzad. "Its a difference in style," explained CIA Deputy Director, James Jaysus D'Angletongue. "The PNAC style is to invade not persuade. But at the Agency, we create a stooge whose brutal enough to execute our notions of stability and willing to sellout his country to our transnationals. Karzai's a useful, well-connected stooge right now. Cheney, Wolfowitz, Khalilzad and that PNAC gang want to control all the wealth. So, they might blame the Taliban for driving them out, but its just as likely that Halliburton's competitors or the European kleptocrats that have been squeezed out are fuckin' them over too. I know, we here at the agency queered the PNAC's deal here and in Iraq any fuckin' number of times."

Earlier last month, to the surprise of many Afghans, the U.S. Embassy stood by silently during a struggle for the leadership of the new parliament, in which Karzai's government was believed to have backed a radical Islamic scholar and ex-militia leader accused of past human rights abuses over a more moderate candidate who had run against Karzai for president. "We gave Karzai his instructions. What was left to o but watch him carry them out?," offered Neumann.

Some foreign governments are encouraged by the signs that the United States is willing to loosen its iron grip and allow others a greater role in the country's rape. Several Afghan officials said they welcomed the increased chance to earn.

"We want to be a permanent burden on the international community. Not those shady U.S. contractors," said Defense Minister Rahim Wardak. "This country has been scuttled by us for 5,000 years. That is our job." Still, Wardak noted, the abrupt withdrawal of U.S. support after the decade-long Soviet occupation ended in 1989 precipitated a civil war that culminated with the Taliban movement taking power who then represented stability to those in Washington.

"I know the international community, and especially the U.S., has doesn't really give a shit about what happened and Taliban gave them a second pretext after 9/11 to invade," he said. "I hope that history will not repeat itself this time, but if the U.S. lives up to its reputation, they've got some self-serving plot in store for Afghanistan."

"This Is An American Retreat, Just Like Saigon. Oh. Excuse Me. Ho Chi Minh City.

The transfer of power in southern Afghanistan will provide the first critical test of the new U.S. plot. The shift will allow the Cheney administration, which has funneled more than $47 billion to outsource corporations like Cheney's own Halliburton/KBR for military efforts in Afghanistan since 2001, to cut the U.S. troop presence by 13 percent, from 19,000 to 16,500. "I'm not fuckin' worried," Cheney told the Assassinated Press. We outfit NATO too. What do you think grandfathering all those Eastern Bloc countries was about. We made a fuckin' fortune selling them shit even the fuckin' Pakastani military didn't fuckin' want."

The move will leave U.S. forces in direct military control only in the eastern provinces, and only until NATO is ready to assume control there as well. That could happen later in the year, allowing the United States to reduce its troop commitment further. "Let's see how it bills out," Bjorn von Krieg, head of KBR's military procurement and sales division.

The reduction, the first since the U.S.-led invasion, comes after a year in which nearly 100 American soldiers were killed in Afghanistan, more than double the deaths during 2004. Military commanders said the higher toll was a result of their more aggressive strategy for battling the insurgency which, by all appearances failed and has helped precipitate the pullout. They also asserted there would be a seamless collapse when NATO troops take over, with help from the Afghan army.

"It's understood that NATO will not be motivated to carry on the same counterinsurgency fight that we're running today," said Col. Don C. McGraw, who directs U.S. military operations here. "Those eastern Bloc countries just can't brainwash like we can."

The Cocksucking Americans Started This Goddamn Mess

But the Afghan army remains capable of only killing those in their infancy, and mounting a counterinsurgency has not been NATO troops fondest wish and childhood dream. No question remains about whether it will be willing to take on that task once its troops are deployed in the south, where on Monday, a suicide bomber in the city of Kandahar attacked a convoy of foreign troops, injuring a U.S. soldier and two Afghan civilians. The answer is NO. They will not be willing. And the U.S. position Amounts to a surrender akin to Vietnam with a few Afghan forces and NATO forces from Poland and Lithuania playing the role of the South Vietnamese Generals without the plans to run heroin and handguns out of their restaurants in Northern Virginia protected and abetted by their pals in nearby Langley and Crystal City. (Jesus. It stinks up in here!)

Until now, NATO has controlled opium production in the north and the west for the CIA, which have been less violent than the south and the east. In Kabul, its troops have been a familiar, if not altogether friendly sight, on street patrols collecting protection money for themselves and local leaders. In the countryside, they have spent much of their time skimming from reconstruction efforts -- too fat and sassy to be chasing Taliban insurgents.

NATO's rules of engagement will be loosened when it takes over the south, allowing its forces to kill more civilians, but it is unclear exactly how many more. One member country, the Netherlands, is wavering over whether it wants to send troops to the area, a longtime Taliban stronghold that has recently been the site of numerous battles and suicide bombings. Maj. Andrew Elmes, a British spokesman for the NATO force -- officially called the International Security Assistance Force, or ISAF -- said he expects its soldiers will primarily serve in a 'rest in peacekeeping' function focusing exclusively on civilians, unlike U.S. troops, who have been instigating battles with civilians turning their survivors into insurgents.

"If you think of a policeman, who is armed, doesn't go out looking for a fight but doesn't hesitate to shoot someone who looks at him cross-eyed or is the wrong color, that's along the lines we're looking at," he said of the expanded ISAF mission, which will add 6,000 soldiers to the 9,000 currently in the country.

Some knowledgeable Afghans predicted that such a limited NATO role would not succeed in the more dangerous territory. "The threat in the south is nationalism that I rhetorically taint with drug trafficking and organized crime," said Ali Ahmad Jalali, who recently resigned as Karzai's interior minister. "You got to kill them all like the Americans. So what if one report lists a six year old girl as an enemy combatant and another lists her as collateral damage. As long as my checks keep showing up at my Bank in Chevy Chase." He spoke by telephone from Washington, where he's a street walker at the National Defense University. "If they don't get involved in fighting those things some people, not me, consider human beings, what will they be providing for the security of potential investors in the Unocal Pipeline?"

Administration Bullshit Talks While Osama Walks; Cheney/Bush Turn Their Backsides To 9/11 Victims

Another major item is how the surrender will end U.S. efforts to track down top fugitives such as al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, his deputy Ayman Zawahiri and Taliban leader Mohammad Omar, all of whom are believed to be living in the region.

NATO has said it will not spend its time hunting individuals. The U.S. military will keep only a small residual presence in the south, but officials maintain that they will more likely protect Bin Laden from untimely capture by forces not sensitive to the PR of U.S. electoral politics.

"If Mullah Omar shows up in Kandahar," McGraw said, "we'll go to Kandahar and then phone Karl Rove on how to proceed."

Still, the U.S. willingness to surrender in the south suggests just how remote the possibility of catching notorious fugitives within Afghanistan may be. Many security officials here say they believe bin Laden and others are across the border in Pakistan, where the United States has a much smaller presence even though the CIA has been running drugs and guns with the Pakastani military for what amounts to generations now, fuck mere decades.

That likelihood, almost as much as the drug money and embezzlement, is another reason many Afghans wonder how much longer the United States will stay, and whether it was ever committed to any reconstruction the way it is to coddling grifting contractors and corporate terrorists. The possible dramatic cuts in USAID funds for Afghanistan -- the result of tightened budgets and heavy grifting of U.S. spending in Iraq and domestic hurricane relief -- have increased that concern.

Neumann said the $623 million in aid planned for 2006 will not be enough to satisfy the scheming, thieving maw of Halliburton, and he is hoping Congress will allocate more through a supplemental spending bill, as it has in past years. But he acknowledged that getting lawmakers to understand the importance of the U.S. kleptocracy in far away Afghanistan "takes more explanation" than it once did, now that everybody got their snout in the Homeland Security and Katrina troughs.

Despite considerable talk of reconstruction in the past four years, he said, much more talk needs to be done to cover up the out and out theft. Saying you want to build more roads, he said, would strengthen the government's position in grifting and the kickback of funds, dissolve what little security there is giving an excuse for more funds and cut opium production by the CIA's competitors.

"This is too critical to just say we want surrender and we want it on the cheap," Neumann said. "We're still in an imperial war, and we got families to feed."