The Assassinated Press

“I need this fuckin’ federal highway to get to my protest of the federal government!”
Tea Party tears up a stretch of Federal Highway in protest calling the highway ‘government interference’.
Tea Party Truckers on their way to protest Obamacare in Washington blocked by roadway’s destruction.
Volunteer Tea Party Deprogrammers offer hope to afflicted families.

The Assassinated Press

I-95 is part of the Federal government’s federal highway system. So in the Tea Party’s eyes this makes it the Devil’s Highway. The National System of Interstate and Defense Highways (commonly known as the Interstate Highway System, Interstate Freeway System, Interstate System, or simply the Interstate) was initiated by that confirmed Stalinist and Hitler look alike, Dwight D. Eisenhower. So it has to go.

And part of it indeed went. The Tea Party of Southern Virginia led by Congressman Eric Cantor, whose name in Fugawi means ‘Grinning Weasel Without a Clue’, tore up an 8th of a mile stretch of federal highway I-95 just south of Richmond.

“Motherfucker,” eulogized trucker Eddie ‘Black Top’ Rhodes who drove all the way from Pensacola, Florida as high as Maynard Fergusson in the upper registers on what Tea Party truckers call God’s Cocktail a chemical cess of crack, marijuana, cocaine, crystal meth, speed, ecstasy, poppers, and pain pills.

“Motherfucker. Motherfucker. I’m gonna ring that dumb fuck Cantor’s scrawny neck,” the reds of his eyes as vivid as New Jersey chemical sunset. “I need this fuckin’ federal highway to get to my protest of the federal government.”

"What we mean by 'limited government' is limited to whites."

The aptly named No Road Ergo Rage conflict within the Tea Party highlights a number of conundrums, ironies, advanced moronics and one might say downright hypocrisy and insincerity that haunts the movement like the hemorrhoidal itch that afflicts 98% of its members.

But is it hemorrhoids or just good old fashioned racism that fuels the rank and file Tea Party, the way it’s the Koch brothers that fuel with cash the organizations behind the pointy hats and the tea bags hanging like nut sacks from Tea Party Patriots party hats.

“We shoulda come clean from the jump,” said Virginia Tea Party Chairman Mark Daugherty. “The Tea Party exists because Obama’s a nigger. There is no other reason. None. And we know it. Otherwise there would have been a Tea Party fighting Bush or Eisenhower or Reagan, gigantic big budget debt escalatin’ fiscal niggers if I ever saw ‘em. But lucky for them, all that matters is they was white as the mud flaps in my wife’s pussy.”

“If we‘da come clean from the jump we wouldn’t be riddled with all of these conundrums and riddles that hurt my head and are tearing us apart like Cantor and I-95. That’s what hypocrisy does. It’s almost impossible to remain consistent and appear sincere when you’re being a hypocritical liar about your true impetus. You gotta be pretty fuckin’ stupid not to figure that one out. We’re only sincere in our bigotry and xenophobia. That’s where we’re consistent. And that’s ultimately our only strength. And we know it’s no longer enough. This ain’t slave times. Or Reconstruction. Or even Jim Crow anymore. All we really got is our cultural and political potshots behind the phony mask of the Tea Party.”

“I don’t give a fuck what that pencil neck, Daugherty says,” shouted Rhodes. “I drive trucks. So’s my protest needs roads. The Kochs ain’t offered to build no roads. Maybe a $5.00 a mile toll road or bridge or two at some important crotch across America like the Mississippi. I let my racism get the better of me. I was used by the Kochs. Now the Kochs are fucking with me again. The Kochs better hope Cantor and his racist loonies have torn up the road leading to their castle because I’m about to storm that motherfucker and kill me some Kochs.”

Road Rage

At the site of the Tea Party road demolition and stalled trucker Obamacare protesters, about two dozen Tea Party deprogrammers set up shop and long lines of confused, delusional and dazed Tea Party assholes were lining up.

“We can’t help you unless you renounce your racism,” one programmer was heard to say. “Then she turned to this reporter. Damn. Obama really brought out the inner Klan in these white folks. Not only that, Obama isn’t even Jewish and we’re seeing torrents of sublimated Hitler in Tea Party members. Could you imagine the level of inner-conflicted psychopathology that the Tea Party would unleash if Eric Cantor was elected President and Elliott Abrams became his Attorney General? The Tea Party faced with a Papist Supreme Court and a Jewish Executive. Every hillbilly vice that drives every twangy, sentimental, phony hillbilly tune would have its hypocrisy exposed. Every hick psyche would stand naked before god and man unwashed ass to the wind.”

“And the Kochs would be right there to exploit it.”