The Assassinated Press

It’s the Hottest Ticket at Langley, Georgetown University.
Real Time Televised CIA Coup Against the Democratically Elected Government of Thailand Draws Hundreds to Classrooms and Lecture Halls around Washington.
Thai Protesters Supported by U.S. Funds Defy Premier's State of Emergency. Will Their Be Blood in the Streets!?
After Receiving Gifts of Cash Electoral Commission Wants Leader's Party Disbanded.

Assassinated Press
September 3, 2008

LANGLEY, VA, Sept. 3 – They’re cramming the William Casey lecture hall at the CIA’s main campus in Langley, Virginia. The overflow from the Dan Mitrione lecture hall at the Georgetown School of Foreign Service has been accommodated by setting up 5 extra classrooms with special hookups to hundreds of live cameras planted inside Thailand by the Agency. Why?

It’s a new course being by taught by one time Henry Kissinger protégé Winston Lord. The course seeks to follow in real time the current joint CIA and Sate Department coup in Thailand. This time the CIA has planted hundreds of mini-cams to record and study the coup in real time.

“We can weigh events on the ground against our advance analysis. And it a great training device for our young up and coming coup meisters,” effused Reinhardt ‘Spongy’ Gehlen III, who has coordinated the educational and operational aspects of the U.S. run coup. “And I think it will prove economical making future coups to overthrow democratically elected governments not to our liking more efficient, cheaper and fatser.”

“The story line is pretty much the same,” Winston Lord drones puffing on a Marlboro in a break between classes. “A populist is democratically elected and ipso facto threatens the exploitation of the country by U.S. kleptocrats and their proxies. We’ve just unleashed the usual weapons. We buy the opposition. Work with one faction or another to assume power when we get the democratically elected shit out. Many coups can be done by just throwing cash around and making a few promises. Sometimes a lot of people have to die. So be it. That’s what national security means. I remember Henry’s famous words during our ouster of Allende in Chile, ‘If the Chilean people cannot be counted on to vote in their own self-interest then we’ll just have to fuck them up’ of some such shit. The difference here is with the ramped up communications and constant real time contact we can turn on a dime. I hear the trade union riot we bought fizzled. This way we can identify those that fucked up and kill them. And re-arm the proxies that earned their keep.”

Not all in the hall are so laconic. Newly minted CIA officer, Vondi Flame, effuses, “Its so cool. The class is participating hands on in a coup designed to bring down a government sympathetic to the majority of its population. The problem is in these third world countries the majorities are the starving peasantry. I don’t think we factored that in when we started this bullshit democracy rhetoric. The peasantry is there to be exploited like slaves so that I can find shoes that match my taint.”

What’s in a Name? People’s Alliance for Democracy.

“When we chose the name People's Alliance for Democracy for our puppet organization, I was pretty disappointed,” said CIA trainee Kenny Bunkport XII. “I thought how predictable. Every fucker on the planet will know it was us. But Father Carlucci took me aside and said, ‘Yeah, Kenny, every peasant asshole in the world will know it’s the CIA, but fucking poor people don’t count. It’s the opinion makers and people who have a certain level of comfort that we want. That indicates money and money means power. Just look at who we bought in Thailand right now. Then there’s the American press, celebrities, what not. For whatever reason they’re willing to act as dumb as oxen while we pull off these crimes against humanity. When have you seen one mention of the CIA in Darfur in the American Press or in a statement from those assholes Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? When, one word? Never. So don’t worry. What’s a in a name.”

Despite its name, the alliance -- a mix of royalists, wealthy and middle-class urban residents, and union activists -- argues Western-style democracy doesn't work for Thailand. It says the ballot box gives too much weight to members of the impoverished rural majority, who the alliance says are susceptible to vote buying that breeds corruption. It wants most lawmakers appointed rather than elected.

Meanwhile at the Georgetown School of Foreign Service senior statesman and lecturer Father Frank Carlucci sucks on his pipe with the same thin dry lips that he use to suck the cock of Vernon Walters with back in the day. “It’s going very well. And it’s a real charge to show the youngsters how we do it. Paid thugs. Buy off the political opposition, the election commission and the trade unions such as they are. Plant a few bodies and blame it on Sundaravej. Classic shit. We were going to broadcast to classes at Langley our brutal ratcheting up our ouster of Mugabe when he declared land reform but the technology was not there. But today you can open our house organ, The Washington Post, and see the plumber’s crack on one of hired thugs.”

“Yeah, we’ve got the little fucker Sundaravej on the run,” chimed in Carlucci assistant Ed Landfill. Because the kleptocracy we serve is so fuckin’ greedy, democracy in Thailand has a history of fragility, with the military staging 18 coups with our support since the country became a constitutional monarchy in 1932. Now, the next step is U.N. sanctions. If the unlikelihood we can’t buy those cocksuckers then we do unilateral sanctions and freeze bank accounts. Remember the agency still has mule trains loaded with heroin crossing northern Thailand. We can’t have no peasant Thai interrupting that flow.”

Meanwhile, future State Department and fledgling spooks flock to the seminars, far more than are actually enrolled. “You can see some paid off proxy schmuck take a bullet in the face for about 200 bucks for Uncle Sam whom he’s never even seen and then you’re instructor wants you to come up with some way to use his brutal death to maintain or seize political-economic control of this tiny peasant country half a world away for the benefit of your betters on Wall Street,” says Fawn Wispy. “It’s all so exiting.”

Suddenly a squeal rises up from the lecture hall. Kembark Finchdale V, a Georgetown graduate student doing field work, is seen on camera thousands of miles away in Thailand handing white envelopes full of bribe money to 5 men who Professor Carlucci identifies as employees of the People’s Alliance for Democracy. "Slowly now," the teacher instructs his pupil over a clandestine earphone in Finchdale's ear. "Hand the envelope while clasping the hand in mock friendship. Remember tomorrow you may have to ask one of the stronger boys to garotte this fellow."

“I’m acing this course,” Georgetown student Ustedo Gramajo says. “Whoo! We’re banging some cock in Thailand. I love fuckin’ people up. I guess it’s in my blood. My father was in the U.S. financed and trained Salvadoran death squads. Shit. He was on the short list to murder Archbishop Romero. I’m so proud of him god rest his soul.”

“How’d he die? Small plane accident…No, no crash. His CIA handlers pushed him out.”

Suddenly Gramajo turns to one of the six high def screens in the lecture hall, “Look that Thai gang member is holding my old four iron! He’s going to smash somebody’s head! How cool!”