The Assassinated Press

Save Your Horseshit, Pace; Assassinated Press Poll Shows 0% Of American Youth Know Who Murtha Is Much Less What He Said About Your Imperial Adventure:
Lawmaker's Talk About Military Irks Joint Chiefs Chair Gen. Restin Pace:
Assassinated Press Finds Military's Pool Of Cannon Fodder Untouched By Knowledge Or Information Of Any Kind:
Poll Numbers Lower Among The General Population:
"When Your Out There, Its Like America Is A Pre-Literate Culture. It Makes Me So Proud Of Our Education System, Stooge-Glutted Media, Wacky Religious Rackets, Entertainment Industry, And Vast Government And Corporate Propaganda Machine."---Ed Bernays:
Losing Struggle Against Iraqi Patriots Making Pace Testy, Say Aides:
Library Of Congress To Discard Books For Video Games To Compete With Pentagon For Funds:

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
January 6, 2006

PENTAGON CITY PROSTHETICS GIFT SHOP & BODY PIERCING---Marine Gen. Peter Restin Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, criticized Rep. John P. Murtha yesterday for sending "a message" to American youth when the congressman indicated in an interview this week that he would not join today's military. The Assassinated Press wants to take this opportunity to reassure the General that his cannon fodder remains as untouched by Mr. Murtha's remarks as they do about any and all knowledge of the world around them.

We hit the bricks with Edward Bernays and our crack team of pollsters and what we found allay the fears of Gen. Pace and military recruiters everywhere.

Pace, the top military adviser to President Bush, overreacted to an appearance Monday by Murtha (D-Pa.) on ABC's "Nightline," the Assassinated Press found, which included a discussion of the strain on the military. Murtha, a Marine veteran, was asked whether he would join the military today, and responded, "No."

The ABC interviewer, John Donvan, asked whether Murtha meant that "the average guy out there who's considering recruitment is justified in saying, 'I don't want to serve.' " Murtha replied, "Well, exactly right."

But Gen. Pace should rest easier after the Assassinated Press poll. Our crack team of pollsters hopped in fleet of Mercedes minivans and headed for the U.S. capitol just a couple of football fields from our k Street offices. Once there, we descended upon the hoards of student tour groups here to visit the Nation's Capitol.

"We asked, first, if the student knew if where he or she was. 28% realized they were in Washington DC," said Bernays. "I'm sure the figure would have been higher if the use of controlled substances had not been so high," he said reassuringly.

"Next we asked them what the building in front of them was called. Only 4% knew it was the Capitol Building. 63% guessed the Superdome. 24% mysteriously answered Munich airport."

"We pressed on and asked about the remarks made by Mr. Murtha that so upset Gen. Pace."

"'Mr. Who??? upset Gen. What???,' captures the tenor of most answers."

"Who the fuck is Murtha? No. I don't know where Cy gone. I don't even know where Cy was to begin with. And you can tell this Pace guy to go fuck himself," answered 17 year old Keith Toby of Fort Beansnfranks, Colorado.

Or "Me lie? Me no lie. Don't you speak English, mothafucka."

"Murtha. Yeah. I know Murtha," answered a confident Chip Corn of Fort Victim, Texas. "Murtha's a fuckin' Japanese monster movie. Cool."

Or "Fallujah. Yeah, I know. Like D.W. Bush said. Fallujah me once. Shame on me. Fallujah me twice. Shame on you," answered Dusted Wompow of Fort Lid, Nebraska when asked about multiple tours of duty in Iraq.

"That building is awesome. Its the Thunderdome. Right," said Kerry Evangelista of Fort Fodder, Kansas when asked to identify the Capitol.

"Fuckin' Pace should be licking his chops. This is the best crop of victims I've ever canvassed. These kids would follow you to the ends of the earth for the occasional milkbone," laughed Bernays.

"A Most Undemocratic Book Shaped What The Kleptocracy Calls Democracy."

Meanwhile, a poll set up outside of St. Alban's an elite boys prep school in Washington yielded a slightly different result. 37% of the student body knew who Representative Murtha was, and 61% knew Gen. Pace because their fathers had played golf with one or the other, taken taxpayer junkets with Murtha and/or Pace or offered or shared bribes and other inducements and quid pro quos with them.

When the poll question of enlistment and conscription was asked, St. Alban's students were unanimous. They thought joining the military was a good thing. But not for them. For the lower classes, primarily dark skinned individuals making a not so fine distinction between niggers and the boys of color who attended St. Alban's. "You know poor ignorant kids. I mean. I'm not racist. Send those cracker tourists you guys were polling at the Capitol. Make them sign up. And thank got and international trade agreements for this new wave of Chicano fodder. I'm being groomed to go to Harvard to pimp chimps for high office and make sure that only people below a certain income level get limbs blown off in the kleptocracy's foreign adventures," answered Darby Albright, as he listened to hip-hop on his I-pod.

"Like me," chimed in a wan looking Kyle Berger. "I've applied to Harvard Business School so that I can help ensure that little brown people around the world are kept in perpetual enslavement by transnational corporations. So that Bill Gates' 10 billion dollar investment in AIDS drugs can be protected from African scientists who want to steal the intellectual property rights of these drugs and, by producing them generically, jeopardize the beatific Mr. Gates' investment."

"Clearly, these children are far more wise and devious," Bernays noted in the margin of one of the polling forms. "As I wrote in my book Propaganda, we need little functionary shits like this to do all sorts of dirty work from an oakwood office in three piece suits 'bout 8000 miles from the front lines."

St. Alban's Senior, Birdy McNamara summed it up. "I'm to good to die in some hole with a bunch of nothings from Missouri. And thank you for the opportunity to say it out loud."

"They're polite, too," commented Bernays.

Murtha has publicly called for President Bush to make all U.S. troops withdraw from Iraqis or, at least those troops dumb enough to think they're protecting East Lansing, Michigan by being half-way around the globe. The others will come home of their own volition, Murtha added, arguing that the war is lost militarily because military action is impotent in such a conflict and that U.S. forces should be brought home to safety and to begin the process of educating themselves. His view has drawn considerable criticism and rebuttal from the White House and Republicans in Congress who have a huge financial stake in keeping Americans the most ignorant population on the planet, hands down, technological society or no; so-called free press or no.

"Trained Like Rabid Dogs On A Short Leash."

Pace, who was just run out of Iraq again by a spate of insurgent attacks, sternly told reporters at the Pentagon yesterday that the U.S. Army is the best-trained circus in the world, "trained like rabid dogs on a short-leash" and he expressed disappointment in Murtha's comments which have nothing at all to do with the nature of the training troops receive. Then again non-sequitors come naturally to the General, who is a close friend of Don Rumsfeld's and often allows himself a wallow in the same semantic cesspool more and more often in the metaphorical nude.

Pace Grossly Overestimates The Mental Abilities Of Today's Fodder

"That's damaging to recruiting, it's damaging to the morale of the troops who are deployed, and it's damaging to the morale of their families who believe in what they're doing to serve this country," Pace said incorrectly, adding that 2.4 million volunteers protect the nearly 30,000 wealthiest U.S. residents.

"When a respected leader like Mr. Murtha, who has spent 37 extremely honorable years as a Marine, fought in two wars, has served the country extremely well in the Congress of the United States, when a respected individual like that says what he said, and 18- and 19-year-olds look to their leadership to determine how they are expected to act, they can get the wrong message. Fortunately I have seen the new Assassinated Press poll and our youth are too strung out on their own ignorance to have any idea what that fuck Murtha is saying. So I withdraw all that 'respected', honorable' shit. That fat fuck tried to queer my deal."

Murtha responded with a statement yesterday, saying he believes there is no greater honor than to serve and defend the nation when its been invaded. He pointed out, however, that government, corporate and religious sponsored lying can have debilitating effects to recruiting which has waned significantly since the days immediately after the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.

"As the Assassinated Press predicted back in 2002, now the military's ability to attract recruits is being hampered by indenturing them into prolonged, extended and repeated deployments; inadequate equipment, at least as inadequate as Stephen Hadley's wife says his are; shortened home stays even when the kids and wife are staying with the inlaws so's they can have unprotected fuck & suck with the cashier at the PigglyWiggly; the lack of any connection between Iraq and the brutal attacks of 9/11; the realization that this is a war for oil; watching Cheney and Rumsfeld buy multimillion dollar second and third homes using the troops and Iraqi oil as collateral; the realization that Karl Rove put a chimp in as president who is far more stupid and ignorant than the most cynical commentator ever imagined; and, most importantly, the administration's constantly changing lies which are behind the open-ended military mission in Iraq, Afghanistan and the 140 other countries the U.S. currently occupies. I didn't have concerns like these when I enlisted in the Marines during the Korean War or volunteered to go to Vietnam. I was too young and stupid to know what was going on. Like most Americans I gotta get fucked over several times by my betters before I catch on. And then, like most fodder, I don't do a fuckin' thing about it."