The Assassinated Press

Four Members of Duck Dynasty Cast Shot at Fort Worth Gun Show, Two Dead, Two Wounded.
“They had beards. We thought they was Muzlums,” shooters say.
Beloved Sadie among the dead.

By Charlie Whitman
The Assassinated Press
6/21/14

Fort Worth --- The annual Fort Worth Gun Show had just gotten underway when the peaceful atmosphere of the commerce in fire arms was inexplicably shattered by rthe sound of automatic weapons fire.

No sooner had they been introduced than several cast members from the scripted TV Reality Show lay in a seas of blood along with 36 other attendees who were killed or wounded. Many were gunned down in a mad cross fire which ensued the initial bursts with an attempt to identify the shooters by shooting everyone.

“Can’t be too sure in a situation like that,” said Fort Worth native and veteran of the Gulf War, Ruby Frego. “When in doubt wipe all their asses out. That’s the way we do it in the shit.”

Once, apprehended by local police, the shooters who were identified as Jake Skinner, Muley Edswit, Ponto Moche, Hank Prime, Betty Mop, Billy Bob Wiznewski, Doris Bunch, Simp Cordinger, Brew Michaels, Sam Revel, Jes Mook, Ida Munch and Freddie Topp, all claimed they thought the bearded Dynasty cast members were Muslims because they had beards. Many cited FOX news and Bill O’Reilly in particular as the inspiration for such a devastating cultural faux pas. “We thought they was Mooslums trying to rape that pretty little white girl,” said Ms. Munch referring to Dynasty cast member and prom queen, Sadie Robertson. “Too bad she got kilt. We was only tryin’ ta help.”

“I was home schooled. I got a crepe paper diploma from my mama, and she taught me how to spot a Muzzlin,” said long time Wall Street CEO. part owner of the Dallas Mavericks and gun enthusiast Muley Edswit. “I don’t give a fuck what you say. Them folks was Muzzlin’s and they got what was comin’ to ‘em.”

Sadie died at the scene from multiple gunshot wounds to the cosmetic surgery.

So too her beloved Uncle Si Robertson whose folksy asides about the US Invasion of South-east Asia and the slaughter of three million people were the source of much humor. Ironically his death occurred at the famed Will Roger’s Center.

Yuki Spinkle, the gun show head of PR, said Rogers would have “appreciated the macabre in difference behind Si’s humor. The ability to think he’s funny when he’s not and convince other people that he’s funny too by being just as unfunny as they are.”

The clans patriarch Phil Robertson, was shot three times in the balls but survived. When his wife, Kay, was informed , she blurted out, ‘O thank gawd. No more bullshit about his pizzle. That good ol’ boy ain;’t been good since he was a boy and the he weren’t no great shakes always wantin’ me to ram my fist up his ass.”

Also, wounded was Wilie Robertson whose ambition and greed must have offended the lawd in some way and led up to this unfortunate situation. 36 other attendees were wounded and 17 killed. Their names are being withheld because they don’t have a TV show.


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