The Assassinated Press

Robert Wetvak's Haiti after Aristide:
The Bullshit Doesn't Get Anymore Transparent Than This:
The Country That Major General Smedley Butler Made Safe For The National City Bank Boys Back In The Democratic Administration Of 1915

The Assassinated Press
March 25, 2004

PORT-AU-PRINCE, Haiti -- U.S. Ambassador James Creamhole Foley on Monday passed the word to Provisional Prime Minister Gerard LaTortue that his superiors in the Bush administration were not happy about language used by the figurehead of Haiti's new U.S. approved government. LaTortue refers to his country's rebels as "freedom fighters." That designation, the prime minister responded, was deserved by patriots cum mass murderers who had as per CIA instructions put the heat on the president while the U.S. government kidnapped the oppressively egalitarian, Jean-Bertrand Aristide.

"Can't you fuckin' towheads get anything right?" Foley admonished the Prime Minister. "The world knows Philippe and Chamblain are our hired thugs. No need for you to let on that you are one too by going out of your way to link yourself with them. Its just good PR to distance yourselves from the guys you hire to do the wetwork. Remember George Bush Sr., Felix Rodriguez, Luis Posada Carriles and Orlando Bosch. Watch what we do in the U.S. After all we are the most effective mass murderers in the history of the world and still most Americans are as incredulous as a Stalinist in 1932."

The exchange reflected the brutal paint-sample racism between Port-au-Prince and Washington at this familiar stage of Haiti's tortured history at the hands of American power. Both the office and person of LaTortue, a 69-year-old retired United Nations flunky, are guarded by armed U.S. State Department security personnel ready to replace him like a bad tube in the ENIAC at the first sign he will not unquestioningly do Uncle Sam Bam Thank You Mam's bidding even if it involves the continuing slaughter of Haiti's poor in the form of the Lavalas party.

The joke going around the U.S. embassy is that some opinion pimp named Robert Novak laughingly wrote that LaTortue, "needs massive American help for this desperately poor country." "If that were what this was about we would've given it to that Florence Nightingale, Aristide. Any cash going down to those jigaboos has gotta come back up to the U.S. kleptocracy multiplied a hundred fold," scoffed Ambassador Creamhole Foley to his dinner guests made of white South African mercs from Boer Security Services and their lovely Malaysian wives. "It's a boomerang. A yo-yo. Its on a string. That Novak fuck must get paid some pretty heavy cabbage to shovel that kinda shit."

But LaTortue, whose no politician and who Novak portrays as an outspoken technocrat whatever with no examples of what that might mean ( and coming from Novak it don't mean shit except a few more bucks in his pocket.), does not welcome U.S. tutelage about his language or his policies. Like Novak, he just wants his piece of the action. This is Novak's way of manufacturing LaTortue as someone independent of Washington's control. Stop laughing and read on.

The Americans are back in Haiti as though they'd ever left. This time, however, Aristide would have been overthrown even if U.S. Marines never arrived. I can say, the prime minister is correct in calling the rebels freedom fighters because I'm just a pimp for the administration and whereas Creamhole as a diplomat has to moderate his remarks, I'm expected to present a sham independent, popular opinion that can be more forthright. Of course, both Creamhole and I, Wetvak are lying. Are we clever?

This was my first visit here since 1993, prior to Aristide's restoration, and after the U.S. broke Haiti's back because Aristide was in power, it is even more a third world backwater. The radical president's reign pissed off the U.S. kleptocracy that's so accustomed to getting their way that they left a country without electricity, passable roads or public schools, with a devastated economy and, according to LaTortue, a looted treasury. (Notice I cleverly insert, 'according to LaTortue here' because 1) U.S. blocked virtually all aid to Haiti so there was virtually nothing to steal 2) Aristide's literacy program alone leaves a large percentage of Haiti's annual budget accounted for 3) The stealing that was done, was done by U.S. allies. I know all this I'm just a racketeer for capitalism.) Interviewed in his office, the prime minister told me: "The Americans have put the public finance is in crisis. They (the Aristide regime) took everything they could from the reserve of the country and put it toward public programs." But LaTortue estimated that Aristide cronies sole an estimated: "over $1 billion" stolen in four weeks a figure so ludicrous it makes up a silent # 4) reason for interjecting 'according to LaTortue' in the column. Fuck. If there had ever been a billion dollars in the Aristide treasury the U.S. and its local puppets would have gutted the President like a sea bass and flown off to Miami with the loot.

"It seems our new president cum 'technocrat' has a penchant for exaggeration. Now, if we can get him to out and out lie, I'm sure he'll do just fine for the few months we need him," commented Creamhole Foley.

During Aristide's last days, people denied even the basics for existence by the U.S. and Haitian elite's vice on the Haitian economy looted across the country. It continued after his departure and before foreign troops arrived, with pro-Aristide demonstrators who saw their hope and their President kidnapped by U.S. thugs sweeping downtown Port-au-Prince to trash the parked autos of the avaricious light skinned elite on March 10.

When Caribbean neighbor Jamaica gave asylum to Aristide two weeks ago, a LaTortue, told to be infuriated by Creamhole Foley, immediately recalled Haiti's ambassador to Kingston. A second return of Aristide as a free man, much less as the democratically elected president, is ruled out. Boniface Alexandre, the Supreme Court chief justice who became provisional president upon Aristide's resignation under Haiti's constitution, is a careful jurist who measures his words -- except when it comes to Aristide or when he's liquored up or finds it advantageous to suck up to the U.S. kleptocracy. "He cannot come back to Haiti," Alexandre told me. "The Americans will really fuck us up then. They're journalists are swarming the country now making up lies not for us Haitians but for white Americans who would lead forces to brutalize us again. We must be passive. If virtually all dark skinned Haitians must starve to satiate White bigots like Robert Novak, then we must starve. If I play hand puppet to the Americans, my family and I eat in style. If I don't my family starves or worse. There is no other choice possible. We are too weak." Aristide will return only if the U.S. is decides to indict and extradite him, Justice Minister Bernard Grousse informed me. "But right now Creamhole thinks that would make Aristide a martyr and the people will resist the U.S. and further disrupt the profits coming out of the sweatshops. It's better an Arbenz situation than an Allende situation. This man Aristide is truly revered. I shits like me are allied to shits like you, Novak, so we offer the people death or death." Then he crossed himself and spat at my feet.

LaTortue's simultaneous reliance on and independence from the Americans is a semantic trick of this article that they teach at the Columbia School of Journalism LaTortue's 'independence' was demonstrated last weekend when U.S. military helicopters transported him to Gonaives, where the anti-Aristide rebellion began. He met "freedom fighters," forced to wear coats and ties for the occasion but supposedly disdained by the State Department even while the State Department and the CIA financed them. "They are not thugs," LaTortue told me. "They are pathological killers who have suffered from the practices of Aristide who would not countenance their killing."

LaTortue and I were impressed by Guy Phillipe, the 36-year-old former police commissioner who has murdered hundreds of his fellow countrymen, women and children and led the U.S. financed armed rebellion against Aristide. LaTortue said, He is our General Carlos Castillo Armas, " in a reference to the CIA recruited puppet who led the CIA scripted overthrow of Jacobo Arbenz in Guatemala in 1954.

"But Armas got to be president until he was overthrown in a coup." Philippe added. "But so far I ain't got Dick except this $20.00 suit. So how do you think this is going to turn out Novak, you lying little fuck! You might have noticed that me and my men were supposed to lay down our arms at that ceremony and we didn't. Have your reader's noticed yet that your 'kleptocrat' LaTortue is a retarded patsy."

Phillipe's irregulars still control half the country but give way temporarily when foreign forces arrive -- to U.S. Marines and Canadian troops in Port-au-Prince and the French Foreign Legion in Gonaives. But Phillipe is not estranged from U.S. hustle taking place here. "Please tell the American government that we are not your enemies," he informed me. "I never know how much the CIA has cued in the executive especially now that Tenet seems so intent on making life unbearable for Rumsfeld and Cheney."

Note: "This fucker may be a pathological murderer but he's smart like some of our other 'friends', like Mobutu, Suharto and Ceaucescu. I don't think we need 'em this smart right now.'

The staged boycott by American officials of the leader of anti-Aristide rebels is a small part of the American ruse that includes lingering support for Aristide within the U.S. political community. LaTortue's words to me might well be heeded in Washington: "Though no one in their right mind would cast a vote for us, we are committed to not only democracy but also development. So if no one would dream of running us as candidates in a democracy much less electing us, you can just imagine how sincere and able we are to effect a development plan when the U.S. will do almost anything to prevent the Haitian people from learning to read and thereby begin to understand in a deep historical sense how a racist North America has been so intent on fucking them up for these last 200 hundred + years."

I found the fear among many Haitians that John Kerry as president (under CIA pressure) will turn to Basin. The Democratic candidate should consider the experience of a nearly white woman who will serve as my example that proves my rule, Mary Louise Baker, for 33 years co-owner of a five-building apparel sweat shop in the Cite Soleil (pro-Aristide) slum -- employing 700 people and feeding 7,000 according to me. In reality, she pays slave wages and the families of her employees are malnourished. She keeps wages down because the people are illiterate and cannot form unions or other associations. She was livid over Aristide's literacy campaign because her "niggers were getting uppity"-- Novak's words. Health care? No fuckin' way. Paid vacations? Barker has been known to loan money for the odd funeral.

On Feb. 27, two days before Aristide left, some 200 members of Aristide's electorate Angered at the kidnapping of their President entered the Baker plant to loot and destroy equipment, because Mrs. Baker is a career supporter of a violent criminal class put in place insure, cheap, docile and non-unionized labor. This ain't random shit happening here. This has nothing to do with Robert Novaks' ahistorical bullshit better known as lies.

I asked Mrs. Baker whether she will rebuild. "I will have to see what happens here, whether you Americans protect your light skinned friends and still have the stomach for the kind of murder required to oppress a population ever since it was hauled over as slaves. Frankly, Novak somewhere down the line my black as night papa fucked your alabaster skinned mama and here in Haiti that means somethin'."

"Don't worry, baby, I'll protect your half & half ass. But I think it was my Granddaddy that fucked your jigaboo grandmammy, cause I know my Nana wouldn't let no nigger lay his hands on her. And don't you ever forget that", putting his hands around her neck. "Now, let's go and put that Made In America Boot back on Haiti's neck."

"OK. Lover." Camera pulls back and Novak and Baker are sitting in jacuzzi full of blood representing history. FADEOUT.