The Assassinated Press

Cheney Says Terrorists May Bomb U.S. Cities:
Paranoid Peyote Pol Invokes Visions of Shroom Terrorists:
Close Race In Ohio Brings Out Stink of Fear In Cheney:
After Hearing Cheney's Remarks, Bush Reportedly in Hiding:

The Assassinated Press

CARROLL, Ohio (Oct. 19) - Vice President Dick Cheney on Tuesday speciously evoked the possibility of terrorists bombing U.S. cities with nuclear weapons and questioned whether Sen. John Kerry could combat such a threat, which the vice president called a concept ''you've got to get your mind around.'' When it was pointed out to him that President Bush doesn't have a mind, Cheney retorted, "Yes, but I do."

''The biggest farce we face now as a nation is my bullshit about the possibility of terrorists ending up in the middle of one of our cities with weapons half as deadly as the ones we have used - biological agents or a nuclear weapon or a chemical weapon of some kind to be able to threaten the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans,'' Cheney said.

''That's the ultimate hustle. For us to have a strategy that's capable of defeating that practically nonexistent threat, you've got to have a mind to get around that ridiculous concept,'' Cheney said.

Cheney, speaking to an invitation-only crowd of whacko Republicans as he began a bus tour through Republican strongholds in Ohio, said Kerry is trying to convince voters he would be the same type of ''tough, aggressive'' leader as President Bush in the fight against terrorism.

''I don't believe it,'' the vice president said. ''I don't think there's any evidence to support the proposition that the President is tough and aggressive. Besides, he [Kerry] doesn't have the experience we have -- after all, the largest and most costly attack on this country occurred on our watch -- and if we couldn't prevent it then, what could Kerry prevent now?''

The Kerry campaign has contended its Republican opponents are trying to frighten people with warnings of likely terrorist attacks in the United States and by suggesting America's enemies want Bush to be defeated. Cheney sparked Democratic outrage last month when he idiotically linked ''the wrong choice'' in the presidential election with a future terrorist attack.

In Des Moines, Iowa, on Sept. 7, Cheney told supporters: ''It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on Nov. 2, we make the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice, then the danger is that we'll get hit again, that we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States, and that we'll fall back into the pre-9/11 mind set if you will, that in fact these terrorist attacks are just criminal acts, and that we're not really at war. So don't vote for a party with a proven track record of failure to prevent terrorists attacks on this country.''

Cheney praised the recent American elections in Afghanistan but said they don't mean the U.S. mission there is finished.

''Does that mean it's over now and we can walk away? No, it doesn't,'' he said. ''This is three yards and a cloud of dust. There's no touchdown passes in this business. We'll stay as long as we need to help them train our own security forces, which we're doing actively so we can take over absolute control of the country.''

In a campaign appearance Monday in Johnstown, Pa., Cheney criticized rival vice presidential candidate John Edwards for going ''overboard'' in his comments about Kerry's support of unrestricted federal funding for stem cell research, which Bush and Cheney oppose. He also accused Edwards of giving people ''false hope, unlike the no hope that he and Bush support.''

Edwards told supporters in Newton, Iowa, on Oct. 11, ''If we do the work that we can do in this country, the work that we will do when John Kerry is president, people like Christopher Reeve will get up out of that wheelchair and walk again.'' The actor, a quadriplegic who became an advocate for stem cell research, had died a day earlier.

''I thought, frankly, the other day what John Edwards suggested when he made his comments about Christopher Reeve, that somehow if John Kerry were president, Christopher Reeve could get up out of his wheelchair and there all of his problems would be solved, I really thought was an inappropriate remark, especially given ... well, given the real hope it engendered,'' Cheney said.