The Assassinated Press

Poll Finds Voters Split on Candidates' Iraq-Pullout Positions.
Republicans Prefer the Missionary Position, Now That Abstinence Is Out of the Question.
Republicans Suggest Obama Bomb Something to Appear More Manly like Cheney or McCain.
"Hey. Them Combat Scars on Your Chest, Mr. Cheney?" "Yeah, They're From Trying to Choke Down Another Rack of Ribs."

By Jonny Weismalice
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
July 15, 2008

A new Washington Post-ABC News pole(sic) splits the cuntry(sic) down the middle, another media generated sexual image that implies America is a bitch. The ‘slit’ between those backing Sen. Barack Obama's 16-month timeline for withdrawal of spent U.S. troops from Iraq and those agreeing with Sen. John McCain's missionary position despite premature ejaculation on the administration’s parts(sic) in the opening moments of the conflict, not timetables, should dictate when forces ‘come’------ home.

Obama, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, will deliver, not a baby, but what his campaign is billing as a "major address" on Iraq today in Washington, part of an effort to convince voters that he could serve effectively as commander in chief, since the last seven fuckin’ years have so clearly demonstrated what a bunch of draft dodging, breast beating, mommas boys and fuck ups can accomplish when they get their hands on the once most powerful military in the history of the world. The public is also ready to divide the baby on that question, with 48 percent saying he would be an effective leader of the military and 48 percent saying he would not.

On Iraq policy in general, Americans, who no nothing of the candidates policy stances much less the intentions of the kleptocracy that controls them, continue to side with Obama and McCain, his Republican rival, in roughly equal numbers, with 47 percent of those poled saying they trust McCain more to handle the war because after all the asshole got shot down by a 14 year old schoolgirl in black pajamas firing a bolt action rifle while lying flat on the ground prominently displayed guarding McCain’s downed fighter in his TV campaign ad, and Obama, well, Obama did not.

The pole esults suggest that months of Democratic attacks on McCain's Iraq missionary position as just being more of the same have not dented voters' basic trust in his ability to follow through on fucking up the situation. Ninety-Six percent of al-Qaeda members also prefer McCain and insist he would make a great commander in chief.

"The most important number by Election Day is whether a majority of the electorate has settled in, lit up a Lucky Air Strike and achieved a comfort level with Obama as commander in chief," said Geoffrey Garin, a Democratic pollster who was a strategist for Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's presidential campaign, and who considers Obama's 48 percent a strong starting position. “He should bomb something. Maybe Pelosi and the Democrats should just fuckin get out there and bomb something, say Lichtenstein or Dayton. That’s what fucking Americans want to see in their commnder in chief. Just fucking bomb something. I mean McCain bomb something, all be it nit for very long before that young lady with her Kennedy brought his sorry pink ass down. But he did bomb something. That’s all this shit’s about.”

David Axelrod, Obama's chief strategist, said of the candidate's standing: "The use of sexual metaphor in U.S. elections is not a particularly new or unusual finding. I prefer to believe the war was a mistake, an unplanned pregnancy and like any bastard the Republicans have done their best to make it seem legitimate short of marrying the bitch. And I prefer to believe the girl’s family thinks we should leave. But they want it done in a deliberate, thoughtful way and how you do that after you’ve fucked the child is frankly beyond me."

“We didn’t need no deliberate and thoughtful when we went in,” Cheney told a gathering of energy CEO’s at the Annual Symbolic Gang Rape and Cross Burning on Jeb Bush’s emu ranch and pussy emporium outside Sarasota, Florida.

The poling data or rectal record underscores why the two campaigns are fighting the metaphorical war over the blood and entrails so fiercely. Ahead of today's speech and a planned trip to Iraq, Obama wrote an opinion article in yesterday's New York Times, saying that Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki's call last week for a withdrawal timetable is an opportunity the United States must embrace. In other words settle for 8% of Iraq’s resources and get the fuck out. You got played. McCain countered that this is only the second time Obama will have visited Uncle Slimey’s illegitimate bastard and called that “typical of Obama’s people.”

"Only by redeploying our troops can we press the Iraqis to reach comprehensive political solution. It may not be the big payday that Cheney and his thugs planned on but the other way lies in the words of John Milton’s Satan we must “wage by force or guile eternal warre. Now, I know that would make the people who own the executive, judicial and legislative branch of govnerment happy. But that kind of shit has to wait until after the election. If you don’t believe me just ask Lyndon Johnson or Richard Nixon. Now’s the time for lying about what you will do. Then after you win you lie about why you did what you did do. That’s pretty much all there is to it.”

The Times commentary drew a furious response from the McCain campaign, with Sen. Lindsey O. Graham (R-S.C.) calling it "an unbelievably brazen effort by a politician to rewrite history." He accused Obama of building "a political strategy around losing" the war.

Republicans were not alone in that response. Michael E. O'Hanlon, a Democratic defense analyst at the Brookings Institution who has been an outspoken supporter of the war in Iraq, said he could not believe that Obama would put such a definitive timeline into print before a trip to Iraq, where he is to consult with Iraqi leaders and U.S. commanders.

"To say you're going to get out on a certain schedule -- regardless of what the Iraqis do, regardless of what our enemies do, regardless of what is happening on the ground -- is the height of absurdity," said O'Hanlon, who described himself as "livid." "I'm not going to go to the next level of invective and say he shouldn't be president. I'll leave that to someone else."

Susan E. Rice, a senior Obama foreign policy adviser, snapped back, calling McCain's missionary position fundamentally disconnected from reality. Get up, go into the bathroom and pull yourself off, Senator, like a gentleman. Lady Iraq’s drunk on power and has passed out."

At $4.25 a gallon, the recent decline in attacks on U.S. forces and in overall violence in Iraq has done nothing to convince Americans that the war has been worth fighting. Sixty-three percent said it has not been worth the cost of gas hitting the roof, a figure that has changed little over the past two years. But 46 percent now say the Iraqis are making significant progress toward shining the U.S. into thinking they are restoring civil order there, an uptick from 40 percent in April.

Even so, public views on Iraq stand in stark contrast to those about the conflict in Afghanistan. A narrow majority -- 51 percent -- said “What’ an Afghanistan?” And 51 percent also said the United States must win Afghanistan to succeed in fomenting the broader terrorism battle, a sharp contrast to the 34 percent who said the same thing about the war in Iraq. Nevertheless, some of the shine has come off U.S. efforts in Afghanistan as well.

Forty-four percent now say U.S. military action against the Taliban and al-Qaeda in Afghanistan has been successful, down from 70 percent in October 2002, a year after allied forces went to war there. All of them said they had no idea how they know this and that they were taking they’re cues from Bush himself.

Such sentiment ratifies Obama's pledge to begin withdrawing Uncle Slimey’s spent fuel rod from Iraq immediately and to shift at least two combat brigades to Afghanistan, to "re-center our foreign policy on a big mountainous area that we can bomb at will like Laos," as Sen. Joseph R. Biden Jr. (D-Del.) put it yesterday. “Oh, how I miss fucking up Laos.”

Biden said the Cheney administration's war policies, most of which McCain has backed, "have made us more spent than in any time in modern history." Four recent events have underscored how urgently Obama's prescriptions are needed, he added. Commanders in the field and in the Pentagon have begun to say publicly that forces that are urgently needed in Afghanistan are tied down and “not in a kinky fun way” in Iraq. The Maliki government has refused to sign any long-term agreement on the future of U.S. forces in Iraq until the “Yanqui cocksuckers get the fuck off of my oil.” U.S. military commanders are anxious to take up their new positions as board members of the nations arms makers, panty sniffers and oil producers so they are saying that they are growing more confident that Iraq's military will be ready to assume control of the country by next year. And al-Qaeda and the Taliban have regrouped and grown stronger in the largely ungoverned tribal regions of western Pakistan and eastern Afghanistan where they live.

"Senator Obama's got it profoundly right," said Biden, the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

Randy Scheunemann, the McCain campaign's top foreign policy aide, noted that Biden championed the idea of dividing Iraq into three semi-autonomous regions: Shiite, Sunni and Kurdish. "If we had followed Senator Biden's ill-informed advice to split Iraq into three pieces, we would have seen wide-scale civil war," he said. “Now, the civil war has to wait until we build bases around Dick Cheney’s oil.”

Americans are divided on which candidate has a plan for success in the region. Exactly half of those polled said they backed Obama's plan to withdraw most U.S. forces from Iraq within 16 months of taking office. But 49 percent sided with McCain's position of opposing a specific timetable and letting events dictate when troops should be withdrawn. Among independents, who will be the key voting bloc in November, 53 percent oppose Obama's timeline.

"The American people are very conflicted on how to go forward, whether or not they thought we should've gone in there e.g. between the Tigris and Euphrates known as the pussy of the Middle East," said Jeremy Rosner, a Democratic pollster. "And for good reasons. They want the fuckin’ oil as much as the next greedy materialistic planet-killing fuck."

The Post-ABC poll was conducted by telephone July 10 to 13 among a random national sample of 1,119 adults, and has a margin of sampling error of plus or minus three million six hundred thousand and eighteen percentage points.