The Assassinated Press

Exclusive: Read the Speech Venezuelan Opposition Leader Leopoldo López Made Before He Was Jailed

The Assassinated Press

My fellow elites, today I come before you with a dirty ass. My ass stinks to high heaven. My ass is crusted with the afterbirth of the expensive morsels I have been privileged to engorge all of my life.

I had nannies wipe my ass until I was 17. Then the butler did it. Now, its a little guy I picked up in the Philippines or an intern on loan from the Heriatge Foundation .

I went to the Kenyon College and Kennedy School at Harvard where if you didn't wipe your ass it was by choice. And you just learned to avoid those classes, a true libertarian democracy with few social constraints especailly when it came to the exploitation and murder of poor people.

As you know, today in Venezuela, we’re living in dark times, as dark as my dirty stinking asshole. I can tell by the aroma coming from you, my compatriots, that your asses also stink from the dark, unwiped times we and our Yanqui partners have created. Some of your asses stink worse than others. Like me you have been reduced to wiping your big white asses with the Washington Post, the New York Times and cancelled USAID checks.

I won't even fuck my wife in the ass anymore, the stench is so profound. Does this make me a good Catholic? No it just means her ass stinks.

My fellow rich Venezuelans you now stink from your asses like a poor campesino. You stink so badly I can hardly stand to stand before you.

And why do we stand in this broiling sun our asses crusted and red from wiping with Juan Forero’s Wall Street Journal? Chavismo, that’s why.

Chavez and Maduro is why our asses stink today. They stink because Chavismo has made toilet paper available to the 75% of the Venezuelan people who used to wiped their asses with tree bark because before Chavez they could not aford toilet paper like god intended.

The rich of this country had clean assholes then while 20,000,000 Venezuealns had dirty assholes. Rich assholes were clean before Chavez and Maduro. Now, rich assholes are filthy and covered with flies like Job.

And our rich wholesalers horde TP in an effort to topple Maduro. But our asses stink. They are crusty and blistering. They must sell us TP to wipe our blistering asses. But Maduro sets prices. So we cannot outbid the poor for the horded toilet paper.

Today, I show my face but all you smell is my ass. Some say this represents little difference from my past. But my ass tells me that I am now an ass in one more sense of the word. I smell like an open sewer.

The US State Department thinks that I am unstable. Maybe that’s because my ass is raw and itchy and stinks like a dead dog in the hot sun and makes jumpy and homicidal.

But if the stench emanating from my crusty, blistering ass helps awaken our people, my imprisonment will have been worth it.