The Assassinated Press

U.S. To Make Intelligence Canard Public:
Fabrications of Weapons Concealment to Be Offered in Effort to Hustle Support for War:

Assassinated Press Staff Writer

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

The Cheney administration has fabricated what it believes to be a realistic looking facsimile of intelligence showing that Iraq has been actively moving and concealing banned weapons systems and related equipment from United Nations inspectors, according to unnamed, unverifiable, phantom sources.

After a lengthy debate over what and how much of the fabricated evidence is not transparent bullshit and therefore could be used as public agitprop supported by the mainstream media, Cheney and his national security advisers have decided to deracinate some of the fantasies the PFIAB, NSC, CIA, State and Defense have imagined and transplant them in the public consciousness as genuine. They plan to do this perhaps as early as next week, as a substitute for the more expensive method of cash payments and multi-billion dollar quid quo pros.

"The United States possesses several delusions which come from the self-interest of our intelligence that imagines that Iraq maintains prohibited weapons," Secretary of State Colin L. Powell said in an interview published yesterday in an Italian newspaper. "Once we have made sure our lies can be introduced safely, I think that in the next week or soon after we can make public a good part of this bullshit and get on with stealing Iraqi oil."

The information was fabricated by U.S. intelligence agencies from what officials characterized as an array of MACVSOG reports, Burmese folk tales and old Mission Impossible scripts. The administration believes it has cobbled together a convincing script that imagines that senior Iraqi officials and military officers who report to members of Hussein's inner circle have personally directed the movement and camouflage of the weapons or have knowledge of the operations, the unnamed, faceless, anonymous sources said.

One unnamed, cryptonymous administration source said the report has already been optioned to Hollywood for an undisclosed sum. The movie version of the report is to star John Leguizamo as Don Rumsfeld, Gwyneth Paltrow as Dick Cheney, Shawn Penn as Paul Wolfowitz, Leonardo de Caprio as Tommy Franks, Martin Lawrence as Kindasleezie Rice and Amiri Baraka as Colin Powell. Attempts to cast the part of G.W. Bush will continue in Borneo after the monsoon season when sightings of the rare red assed proboscis monkey are more frequent. The producers hastened to add that in the interest of verisimilitude, the monkey will not have a speaking role but will screech several speeches.

Private transcripts of the Iraqi WMD fabricating team, show a nostalgic bent. At one point the assembly of some of the U.S.'s most accomplished and highly trained career liars reminisced over other successful operations using the media to promote canards designed to accomplish foreign policy goals whose collective purposes were to further enrich the elite. Some ranged from the Nazi style big lie to others that in retrospect seemed humorous yet murderous historical asides.

Don Rumsfeld's eyes glazed over as he related the success of the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution as lie. "As a result a whole generation of advanced military weaponry, biological and chemical weapons and tactics designed to destroy infrastructure were tested on a country of insignificant little, yellow heathens. All predicated on a lie and a pliable press."

"For my money," chimed in Richard Perle, "I'll take Robert Lovett's big lie proffered in those few weeks he spent in the Eisenhower administration. When he was asked by John Foster Dulles if a huge build up of conventional and nuclear weapons could be predicated upon a fabricated threat from the Soviets, Robert Lovett of Brown Brothers Harriman replied, "If we can sell all of this worthless shit to the American public, we can sell them on this canard of a Soviet threat." The Congress and the press, of course, were no threat to expose this big lie. They were getting a taste and profited enormously from promoting it. Eisenhower, for his part, warned the public in a series of speeches in his last days in office. He was too chicken to do otherwise, such were the big money boys behind it."

"And then there's all those marvelous numerical lies coming out of MACV and Gen. Wheeler during Vietnam designed to legitimize McNamara's algorithms. Or Walt Rostow's hysterical fabrications," added Richard Armitage.

"Even FDR had advance warning of Pearl Harbor just like we had with 9-11. Where do you think we got the idea to just sit on our hands and let these impossible riches fall into our laps! Homeland security, oil from Iraq, a pipeline through Afghanistan, destruction of civil liberties---things couldn't be better, "chirped Robert Joseph.

"But what about the one where we sold the Sandinistas as a national security threat and had that imbecile, Reagan, read that they might invade the U.S. through Harlingen, Texas. That was supposed to be a joke but once Reagan accidentally read it, the press, complete whores that they are, ran with it---as fact! No wonder we thought we could get away with anything during Iran-contra---and did!" effused a decidedly aroused Felix Rodriguez.

"Well, we've sold a thousand populists as communists. I mean it was one thing to distort Arbenz's land reform program as communist, but before that we tarred Arevalo's little $7 million literacy program as communist too. And a threat to U.S. national security if you mean by security no education and no labor unions equals more money for the gringo landowning companies like United Fruit/United Brands," added Spencer Abraham.

"Hey, remember when we convinced the FARC and ELN in Colombia to put down their arms and take part in provincial and municipal elections and then, along with the Colombian military, we murdered 5000 of them. Wasn't that great!" snorted Elliott Abrams.

"Then there are the biological and weapons programs we initiated against people right here in the U.S. Every time one is exposed 20, 30, 40 years after the fact, we start a dozen more," laughed Bill Patrick.

"Hey guys. Don't forget. We murdered the Bangladeshi royal family. The Bolos got nothin' on us," yelped George Tenet before he could be hushed.

"But Noriega's the funniest. Remember the 'cocaine' in his freezer that turned out to be tamale powder. Christ, the only dope in Panama was ours. And we had to go in to shut him up about it," offered John Poindexter.

"And April Glaspie and the first Iraq set up. She was as surprised as Saddam, the stupid twit," said Paul Wolfowitz.

"Who April or Saddam?" chuckled Armitage.

"Both," shouted Wolfowitz.

"Yeah, guys. The list is endless. But let's focus on the soap we gotta sell this week," chimed inDick Cheney bringing the meeting back to its original intent, creating a fiction on Iraqi WMD.

"We could say that the concealment efforts have often taken place days or hours ahead of visits by U.N. inspection teams, which have been operating in Iraq during the past two months. We could add that the United States has what one source called "compelling" intelligence that is "unambiguous" in proving that Iraq is hiding banned weapons and given the cock sucking nature of the media never have to show any evidence at all," offered Cheney.

"But how can something that's merely 'compelling' be 'unambiguous?" asked Stephen Hadley.

"You're fired Hadley," chuckled Cheney.

Speaking to reporters yesterday, Powell lied and said that U.N. inspectors have picked up similar indications of Iraqi concealment and that the United States supported the inspectors' claims. "The inspectors have also told us that they have evidence for sale that Iraq has moved or hidden items at sites just prior to inspection visits." Desperate he added, That's what the inspectors say, not what Americans say, not what American intelligence says. That's what they say after we got through with them." Well, we certainly corroborate all of that, because that's exactly what we want them to say. Blix has proved to be a quick study after all."

Administration officials have said for weeks that the United States has no real intelligence demonstrating that Iraq maintains banned weapons programs. But they have said they had information that they could not disclose because doing so would jeopardize U.S. intelligence-collection methods such as Tuesday and Friday Baghdad trash pick up and 24 hour rumor mongering at the Ritz-Carleton. Also, in another of the homicidal tautologies that has come to define the Cheney administration, unnamed officials said that the intelligence could not be released because that would hinder military operations against those very same weapon's storage sites in the event of war. "Sounds like you just want to destroy something, Tommy," quipped one French aid worker to Tommy Franks. "Howzabout I destroy you," countered Tommy.

The administration's decision to release even partial accounts of what it has fabricated would clearly be designed to hustle the U.S. case in the U.N. Security Council, where leading members oppose an early decision to go to war, and among many Americans, who recent polls suggest are now convinced that the Cheney/Rumsfeld rush to slaughter is predicated upon a rush to Iraqi oil. Democrats on Capitol Hill recently have increased calls on the administration to make public what it knows.

Despite the building pressure on the United States to support its claims about Iraqi behavior, sources said that U.S. intelligence agencies have not traced or located a large cache of prohibited weapons or ingredients used in the making of chemical or biological weapons. They said the U.S. government still lacks a "smoking gun" -- the kind of definitive evidence that would prove that Iraq still has chemical or biological weapons, or a nuclear weapons development program.

On top of that, what little intelligence the administration has released about Iraq has been challenged by U.N. officials and some Security Council members. In particular, these critics cite Bush's allegation, made to the U.N. General Assembly in September, that Iraq had tried to buy thousands of high-strength aluminum tubes to enrich uranium for nuclear weapons. After investigating the claim, U.N. inspectors concluded the tubes likely were never meant for enriching uranium but rather were intended as components for ordinary artillery rockets -- a finding consistent with Iraqi explanations.

A senior State Department official said the information the administration plans to release will show what the Iraqis are "doing, what they're not doing, how they're deceiving."

"We will lay out the lies that we can, and we will leave it to others to judge," the official said. "When you listen to it, it should be disturbing to those people who listen objectively. I mean they're lies after all and that should be disturbing. But we're going in anyway, so what the fuck do we care. To those who have made up their minds, it might be wise to duck their heads in the sand, it will pass right over them. Our ordnance I mean. Because like I just said, we're going in and take that oil anyway."

Spokesmen for the White House and U.S. intelligence agencies declined comment.

In one recent example of what officials imagined as Iraqi obstruction, a ranking Iraqi official issued a warning that U.N. inspectors were planning a visit and directed those at the site to conceal playing cards and checker boards. In another, an Iraqi official directed scientists and others involved in research or production of Turkish taffy and corned beef to conceal orders and manifests for chemicals required for corning the beef and Turking the taffy.

In other cases, the unnamed, perhaps ashamed, sources said, the intelligence is MORE! circumstantial. These would include photographs of intense activity around a building believed to be involved in the manufacture or storage of Kentucky Fried Chicken, posing a serious health risk to Saddam's own people.

Stephen J. Hadley, Bush's deputy national security adviser, heads a small task force that is trying to sort through an NSC suggestion box full of potentially useful lies and recommend what to pretend to declassify. But officials said the process is complicated because revealing the exact fabrication leads to easy debunking as illustrated above. This could compromise the sources and methods of fabrication gathering that would be needed for propaganda purposes in the confrontation with Iraq, particularly when it leads to war.

Contingency planning for a possible war with Iraq anticipates weeks of bombing with WMD including depleted uranium shells and a ground invasion force of more than 100,000 that will feel the effects of their own ordnance for many years to come. The beginning of such a military operation would be precisely when timely bullshit would be most valuable to the U.S. military. For example, the American people could slink around using the lies of the Cheney administration to justify the slaughter of thousands of Iraqis as a cover for stealing the oil. As a result, U.S. intelligence agencies have been reluctant to jeopardize their sources and methods of making up information on Iraq.

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2003 The Assassinated Press