"To wage by force or guile eternal war."
---the tattoo burned into the ass of initiates at
The Project For The New American Century

The Assassinated Press

New Poll: Americans Take A Whack At 'Thinking' About Iraq:
Rumsfeld Dubs Combatants Who Blow Up Dick Cheney's Oil Fields In Iraq 'War Criminals':
Several Forces In Mad Race To Northern Iraq Oil Fields:
Airy Fleischer: "Saddam's Burning Oil Fields Confirms This Is What Its All About":
OIL Is To Cheney As CRACK Is To Toby

The Assassinated Press
March 20, 2003, 2:10 PM EST

Two war veterans sat at a Rhode Island tavern, raising another shot of whiskey up high, offering a toast as Iraqis awoke to falling American bombs.

"Here's to very few fatalities and a very quick victory," Ken Sullivan and Harry Church said from Art's Tavern in Portsmouth. "As long as the bombs are not falling on our homes, we can engage in any banal sentiments we can imagine. It all comes out of a sense of relief that's its not me and mine being shredded out of existence. And when thousands of innocent Iraqis are slaughtered , we can count on our government to lie to us in a manner so sophisticated that it will seem to absolve us from responsibility right up until our judgment day. Then were fucked."

Other Americans had a different focus: that the country was making a mistake thinking killing people for oil could be considered a legitimate goal.

"We'll win this, it's no contest ... but the final outcome is not going to be a good one for us in the international community," said the Rev. Chet Guinn, a retired Methodist minister in Des Moines, Iowa. "But then again what the fuck does it matter. If the Project For A New American Century has its way the 'international community' is next on the U.S.'s hit list."

Meanwhile, one CIA operative described the race to capture the Iraq oil fields at Kirkuk and Mosul as "like a scene from a Zero Mostel movie. Turks racing along side U.S., Syrian, Iraqi exile and Kellogg Brown & Root forces, all trying to beat a Kurdish contingent with far less distance to traverse while Al-Qaeda and the Iranians hurtle in from the East. It's like motherfuckin' NASCAR except the guns are bigger."

"I'm not convinced by Don Rumsfeld's argument that a barrel of oil is a person, so I can't go along with his statement that torching oil fields is a crime against humanity. Rumsfeld's position is a mighty materialist one and suggests when it comes to genuine humanitarian concerns the man's a sociopath," said clinical psychologist, Dr. Sidney Gottlieb.

"Gramps Rumsfeld has certainly slipped his moorings. The $36 trillion in Iraqi oil was just too much for him," offered the Secretary of War's grandson, Tommy, who preferred not to give his last name.

"Well sir. I served in the military for 30 years and burning an oil field to slow down advancing enemy forces or to deprive them of the value of that resource is considered a legitimate military objective. I know its taught in the military academies," said retired General Michael Halvey. "You're only left with one conclusion. Rummy's a lying, murderous, heavily armed beeatch for big oil."

However, a highly agitated Airy Fleischer communicated the administrations concerns over oil fires appearing in Southern Iraq. Putting an elegant administration spin on the topic, Fleischer said, "Its not that we put greater stock in a barrel of oil than in a human life, but that we find the loss of both equally repugnant."

Americans were glued to television sets in the relative safety of their own homes being entertained by the first moments of war Wednesday night. Some prayed, most snacked, while others sobbed, grateful that they weren't under the deluge. There was a lot of anger directed at Saddam Hussein for not just giving up the oil and capitulating to a public relations barrage of lies the likes of which the advertising world had never seen. Some were angry at President Bush as well but since they are mostly a stupid and ignorant fucking lot and have no idea how thoroughly they've been hustled again, their anger stopped far, far short of the fate that Bush deserves.

"I mean Dick Cheney's got the oil anyway with the deal his company signed with himself on Monday. Why does Saddam have to put his people through all this? You know how this administration is about its oil. If my cousin Toby wantsta sell my CD player to buy crack, I let him. He loves his crack and he's got a Nine AND a Forty-Five. Cheney, Bush and Rumsfeld. They's like Toby. I'd stay outa their fuckin' way if I's Saddam."

Ahmed Al-Mahana, a Shi'ite Muslim and Iraqi native living in Southern Iraq said he considers getting rid of Saddam one of many worthy goals, though it led to American Tomahawk missiles raining down on his homeland Wednesday night.

"We have lived in a dark future ever since Saddam has come to power," said Al-Mahana, who deserted from the Iraqi Army in 1991. "But as much as we hate Saddam, we hate America a thousand times more. It was Shi'ites who were behind the bombing of the World Trade Center not Saddam's Sunnis. We were aligned with Iran in the war against Iraq and desire a strict Muslim fundamentalist state. And we feel justified in murdering Americans and the British because of all the slaughter, oppression and destitution they have brought on this, the cradle of the world, when they carved it up for big oil and created these mongrel nation states that we are now forced to huddle in. We know that today the U.S. comes for Saddam's oil. But we also understand that tomorrow they will come for us. So fuck your feeble attempt to have my statements bond with the simpering nonsense of your American respondents. And Fuck America and Fuck the ignorant and brutal American people!"

I aked Mr. Al-Mahana to listen to two responses from 'average' Americans. Gary Emtman of Spokane, Wash., said, "Make a parking lot of the place. It's about time. I want Saddam Hussein dead." Mr. Al-Mahana replied, "Oh, thank Mr. Emtman for me. Finally jobs. I can be a parking lot attendant. I see he's no friend of Joni Mitchell's. But seriously. I don't know this Spokan(sic). Is this a crazy person's place. Who could possibly care what such a fool 'wants'? He's not here. He has suffered nothing. This is the only reason he can speak in this way."

"I hope it ends quickly," said Scott Casey, an Oklahoma City mortgage broker. "I hope there aren't many lives lost and I hope that everyone understands that George W. Bush has done a good job by proving Saddam Hussein has been lying." To which Mr. Al-Mahana replied, "This is not a very worldly man. How can people who have so much material wealth be so ignorant? This is a big concern among people here. Why doesn't wealth translate into intelligence? Mr. Bush is a lying puppet. May Allah strike me if my camels don't know this."

A CNN-USA Today-Gallup poll released Monday said the American public, by a 2-1 margin, generally supports military action against Iraq to remove Saddam, but the numbers fall dramatically when only people who can spell 'Baghdad' are allowed to take part in the poll. Opinions ran 60,000,000 to 1 against when people were asked if they would like to be on the receiving end of the bombing. "Not that I'm chicken mind you. It's just that I've got to get my nails done and pick up the kids from soccer. I can't imagine 2,000 pounds bombs dropping on my Chevy Chase neighborhood, and for now I don't have to imagine it if I don't want to. Do I?" said Washington matron, Lulu Krauthammer.

Walter Christiansen, a Minneapolis resident, said the bombings would show potential terrorists the United States means business. When this reporter pointed out that the people responsible for 9/11 were Saudi and Egyptian and not Iraqi, he gave me a strange disconcerted look then said, "Oh fuck it. So were bombing innocent people. My opinion don't count no how anyway."

"I'm hopeful that this will be an action that will lead to long-term world peace." But again when this reporter pointed out that people controlling policy through the Project For The New American Century demand that America prepare for a state of perpetual war until the U.S. dominates the world and its markets," he began sucking his thumb.

"Apparently, in the tiny mind I inhabit, it's the only solution to get rid of Saddam," said Kara Kalkreuth of Wheeling, W.Va., who had been safely watching the high school boys state basketball tournament while Bush addressed the nation. When asked if perhaps the Cheney administration was interested in overthrowing Saddam to get at Iraq's 36 trillion dollars in oil reserves, she said, "Now that's a better reason than this WMD stuff. But this is the first I've heard of it and I watch Blather, Jonings and Brokejaw every night. Saddam could be our next Hitler," she added obviously mimicking some father figure journalist. When I asked her to give me a rough comparison of Hitler's military, technological and industrial strength compared to Saddam's and then pointed out that the makeup of the U.S.'s forces are more akin to Nazi Germany, she stuck her thumb in her mouth. "Don't worry. Bill O'Reilly stuck his thumb in his ass and then put it in his mouth on that one," I told her.

Others were worried about the country's reputation, such as it is.

"I hope they made the right decision in what we are doing because in doing this, we're losing a lot of ties with other countries," said Meagan MacLeod, 22, as she waited to catch a bus in downtown Providence, R.I. "I don't want a World War III."

"You mean a war over oil?" I asked. She answered, "I watch Blither, Jonings and Brokejaw every night and this is the first I heard Iraq's got oil."

Honolulu resident Tim Rupright said President Bush's administration has been "totally arrogant" in dealing with Iraq.

"I think it's a mistake," he said. "Certainly there are merits to the attack, but please don't ask me what they might be. I think the way the Bush Administration is going about it is terribly wrong."

"Merits like the $36 trillion in oil that Cheney's companies have just de facto acquired?" To which he answered "I watch Blither, Jonings and Brokejaw every night and this is the first I heard Iraq's got oil."

Baltimore peace activist Max Abuewzmi said many war opponents had accepted that violence was almost inevitable. "I mean, violent people are violent and we on the other side are not. The corporations and politicians can count on it. It's expected of them to be violent and it's expected of us to stand around and hand wring over the lies and murder. And if we get out of line and shoot a few of these habitually violent people the official press is all over our asses and we're hunted like dogs."

"Some of us were looking for that miracle, but we knew that George Bush wasn't going to listen to the progressive movement," he said. "He's a stooge and he knows who he has to listen to. The next time Bush will be free to speak his mind, such as it is, will be in Hell."

When protesters in San Francisco found out about the strike, they stopped their peace march through the city's Mission District and chanted slogans against the war. Jocelyn Wicker, 34, of San Francisco, said the idea of the United States attacking Iraq was like a tiger attacking a mouse.

"This isn't a war, this is a takeover," she said. "I'm disgusted. But I'm most disgusted by the lack of response form the American people. But not surprised."

In Harmsville, TX, Anna Errant, the wife of an eminent Nuremburg scholar, expressed the one wish everyone seemed to share: that some day before she dies this entire administration is charged with crimes against humanity, convicted and hanged. A dream the entire civilized world shares.

my copy right and apparently never wrong 2003, The Assassinated Press