The Assassinated Press

The Dark Knight Rose In America A Fucking Long Time Ago.
13 Remaining Colorado Gunshows in July Need Not Be Concerned Attendance Might Be Down After Shootings, According to NRA Poll.
So Many Funerals Will Not Deter Enthusiasts.
NRA Steps In with Door Prizes of Semi-Automatics, Body Armor, Flags, Bumper Stickers, Stun Guns, Caches of Armor Piercing Ammo, Magic Kevlar Underpants with Nut Knicker Protection, Free Viewing of ‘The Dark Knight Rises.’
NRA’s David Keene --- “Fuck the Second Amendment. We prefer our rank and file be functionally illiterate and we work hard to promote ignorance. The NRA’s all about the money.”

The Assassinated Press

Gun Show promoters throughout Colorado and the US need not worry including the one that sold alleged mass murderer Jmaes Holmes some of his guns. A quick NRA poll shows that gun enthusiasts will not be deterred from attending the estimated 20,000 gunshows slated for the US by the slaughter at a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado which killed 12 and injured scores. The theater was showing yet another banal piece of Hollywood crap, this one called The Dark Knight Rises. And he certainly did. Today, Mexico ain’t got nothin’ on America.

Where’s the study that shows the more ignorant and infantile the piece of entertainment such as heavey metal, Andy Warhol and for shit movies like The Dark Knoght Rises lead to violence. Twelve to 15 dollars a ticket doesn’t inspire calm either.

Gun show enthusiasts puzzled over why the gunman, James Holmes, attacked a bunch of unarmed people in a movie theater?

“Fuck if the cowardly asshole had shown up at a gunshow and opened fire, we’d a showed him a thing or two. That is if we didn’t start shoting each other by mistake like that Cheney dickwad done,” offered Fergus Milo of Fort Around the Bend, Colorado. “I was in the Gulf and many a good man went down from friendly fire ‘cause when that shit is going down, you’re britches shittin’ terrified.”

“I often fantacize about a shoot out at a gunshow,” said self described ‘gun fanatic’ Brickley Buttwrinkle of Fort Wad, Colorado. “I tell myself, Brick, fire a few rounds into the goddamn Remington booth just to get things started. Then all hell breaks loose.”

“This is why every citizen should be armed and wear body armor twenty-four seven. In all likelihood the slaughter would increase, but at least you’d have the satisfaction of taking a few pot shots at the perp before your 11 year old daughter took one in the head,” NRA Chairman David Keene. “We need to put more guns in the hands of our citizens especially loners because they’re most likely to walk the streets at night feeling inadequate and valueless like --- what’s that useless shits name that shot that kid in a hoody – O! fuckin’ yeah, George Zimmerman.

Experts Say, Like Most Gun Enthusiats, Holmes Had Trouble Getting Laid.

“They’re people who are unfailingly unable to form satisfying sexual attachments, and their masculinity essentially gets replaced with their fascination for destruction,” Michael Welner, a forensic psychiatrist and chairman of the Forensic Panel of New York City, said. “And most gun enthusiasts fit this category too not to mention the poor hygene, racist tendencies and endearing childlike bouts of paranoia the profession calls “What’s hiding under the bed syndrome.”

A recent poll found that 88% of Gun Show enthusiasts repeatedly fantasize about killing scores of women and children. But mercifully most wait until they join the military and murder little brown people in Central America, Africa and the Middle East.

“The Far East? Not so much nowadays. Got our nuts kicked there real fuckin’ hard, ” Keene observed.

After a few drinks Keene became confessional. “Ya know,pal,” he said. “We’re not about the Second Amendment no matter how twisted the fuck up we’ve made that piece of constitutional drivel. Here at the NRA we’re about the money and we sure as shit got the goons donating it. So suck on that, pussy boy.”