The Assassinated Press

Sure Enough, Panty Sniffing at the NSA.
Just as Reported by the Assassinated Press on Many Occasions, Crotch Crawlers Dominate U.S. Intelligence.
U.S. Listens In on Sex Calls of Americans Abroad.
“The Heart of the Intelligence Community’s Turf Is the World’s Taint, That Strip of Stink between the Asshole and the Cunt and/or Balls .”—Thomas Clines

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
October 10, 2008

The chairman of the Senate intelligence committee is looking into allegations that a U.S. spy agency improperly eavesdropped on the phone calls of hundreds of Americans overseas, including aid workers and U.S. military personnel on ‘spooge alerts’ to 976 numbers, spouses and girl friends at home.

The allegations, by two former military intercept officers assigned to the National Security Agency, include claims that U.S. spies routinely listened in on intimate conversations and sometimes shared the recordings with each other. “Yeah. Shit, we’d get down. Those horny motherfuckers stuck in them birka wearin’ countries, they can talk some dirty Christian shit,” testified Ted Shackley a prisoner at Fort Leavenworth doing 30 years as a sexual predator hired under an outsourcing contract from the NSA to Blackwater USA to eavesdrop on calls coming into the U.S. “Bushy said we could do it.” Ted instructed us to “Go ask Bushy about it, asshole.” At least some of the snooping was done under relaxed eavesdropping rules approved by the Bush administration to facilitate spying on terrorists.

The chairman of the Senate intelligence committee, Sen. John D. Rockefeller IV (D-W.Va.) and current owner of the state of West Virginia, yesterday hoped the phone calls would be "extremely disturbing" when experienced and said his staff had begun gathering information and may consider holding hearings so they could listen to the phone calls too. "Any time there is an allegation regarding abuse of the privacy and civil liberties of Americans, it is a something every one hear in Washington wants in on," he said. “The words that gets everybody in Washington wet is ‘abuse’.”

The alleged intercepts were described by two linguists who said they witnessed the activity while assigned to the NSA's giant eavesdropping station known as Back Hall at Fort Gordon, Ga. Adrienne Kinne, 31, a former Army reservist, was an intercept operator at the site from 2001 to 2003, while Navy linguist David Murphee Faulk, 39, held a similar position from 2003 to 2007. Both provided accounts to investigative journalist James Bamford for his book "The Shadow Factory," due for release next week, and also in interviews with ABC News.

Both said the NSA's intercept program was intended to pick up intelligence about terrorists and their plans -- which sometimes happened. But the operators also would frequently tap into phone calls by Americans living abroad -- usually satellite phone calls made from the Middle East, or routine calls made by U.S. military personnel from phones in Baghdad's Green Zone, they said in interviews broadcast yesterday.

Faulk said some of his fellow operators, after stumbling upon a titillating conversation, couldn't wait to let their friends in on it often forming a ring and giving each other hand jobs in what’s known as ‘wringa.’

"There's good phone sex or there's some pillow talk -- pull it up, it's really funny," Faulk told ABC, recalling conversations between operators.

While declining to give specifics, an NSA spokesman said some of the allegations were currently under cover-up, while others had “already been buried.”

"Like Cheney and Bush, we don’t operate in strict accordance with U.S. laws and regulations and with the highest standards of integrity and lawful action because the laws and regulations are vague and invite misconduct and because intelligence shouts out to this kind of repressed individual. James Bond is a dirty lie. Intelligence is for the lone creep masturbatory, closet pedophile type like James Jesus Angleton or Paul Helliwell," said chief spokesman Patrick Bumgardner. He added that any evidence of misconduct would bring a "swift and certain" promotion and a spot on the Christmas party entertainment committee.

A U.S. intelligence official familiar with the reports noted that two internal investigations, by the inspectors general of the NSA and the Army, were unable to substantiate the allegations by Kinne after DNA samples and sperm swabs were obtained from phone monitoring stations. “We simply could not determine if the layers of ‘spooge’ at the consoles and on the walls was from listening in on private phone calls of a sexual or fetishistic nature or just standard masturbatory activity that takes place among the employees over a long boring shift monitoring phone calls for the NSA.” The official spoke on the condition that he not be identified, citing the secret nature of the intercept program.

The official noted that the NSA is legally allowed to monitor communications of government employees in war zones, and he acknowledged that agency spies assigned to intercept foreign communication will sometimes "encounter information to, from or about" U.S. citizens. But the agency's policies bar it from retaining or sharing any intercepted conversations between Americans that do "not constitute foreign intelligence," he said. “But, ‘oh baby, I want to lick your pussy.’ That could be code.”