The Assassinated Press

Convenience Store Operators Irate Over Loss Of Greenland Glaciers:
Southland CEO Lashes Out--"All that ice could have been bagged and sold through our more than 45,000 outlets to cool beer at softball games and Klan rallies. Now this wonderful resource and enlistment tool is lost to posterity forever."
Glacier Melt Could Signal Faster Rise in Ocean Levels, New Beachfront Property

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
February 17, 2006; A01

DECATUR, GA---"Congress and the administration had a chance to do the right thing," snarled a visibly upset Joe De Pinto, CEO and President of convenience store giant Southland Corporation. "But, shit, now its too late. One of the world's great natural recourses, or is that resources, has fuckin' slipped literally right between our grasping hands."

De Pinto is referring to Congress's refusal to act on an industry drafted bill placed before them 3 years ago by Southland to buy Greenland's glaciers and bag the ice to sell in 7 Elevens all around the U.S. "The cocksuckin' mechanical cooling industry and the oil companies just fuckin' outbid us for the pols vote. Fuck. You gotta sell a shitload of corndogs and Slurpees and cause enoromous colon cramp to compete with Exxon/Mobil."

"And damn. Weren't it 7-Eleven that pioneered the convenience store concept way back in 1927 at the Southland Ice Company in Dallas, Texas by selling ice. We started it all. We know our goddamn ice," De Pinto barked.

But now Greenland's glaciers have melted into the sea twice as fast as previously anticipated, the result of a warming trend that renders obsolete not only Southland's proposed legislation but predictions of how quickly Earth's oceans will rise over the next century, scientists said yesterday.

When asked to comment, Rick Cohen, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of C&S Wholesale Grocers who own the nation's 1600 Piggly Wiggly convenience stores said, "Motherfucker. That legislation just made ecological sense. Think of all the energy costs we coulda saved. There wouldn't have been a warm Schlitz on the fuckin' planet all damn summer. It woulda gone down as the Summer of Bud."

"We missed our chance for a perfect synergy between environmental concerns and the social costs of getting loaded after a work week of being little more than a debt ridden indentured slave," said De Pinto still livid days after hearing the Greenland glaciers had been pissed away like a case of Rolling Rock behind Al Capone Junior High.

The new data came from satellite imagery and gave fresh urgency to worries about how humans can responsibly chill their beer in the future. The Greenland data is mirrored by findings from Bolivia to the Himalayas, scientists said, noting that rising sea levels threaten widespread flooding and severe storm damage in low-lying areas worldwide.

Ridley Mango, a spokesman for Claxton Refrigeration which opposed the legislation said, " The melt is a blessing in disguise. We stand behind our own synergy. The more beer we chill using electricity produced from fossil fuels, the faster the melt, the less time the human race will need to get loaded before things are too fucked up for even that to help."

Bechtel, Halliburton, Fluor Have Ambitious Plan To End Draught

The scientists said they do not yet understand the precise mechanism causing glaciers to flow and melt more rapidly, but they said the changes in Greenland were unambiguous -- and accelerating: In 1996, the amount of water produced by melting ice in Greenland was about 90 times the amount consumed by Los Angeles in a year. Last year, the melted ice amounted to 225 times the volume of water that city uses annually. As a consequence, Halliburton, Bechtel and Fluor have introduced competing plans for capturing and redirecting the water released by the Greenland glaciers. The bill drawn up by industry representatives calls for 380 billion dollars for a feasibility study. The Cheney administration is solidly behind the plan.

Further, the DoD is looking into using Bechtel technology to flood entire countries before invading them. "Fuck. Its more humane than bombing the shit out of them," said Gen. Abizaid before a Congressional subcommittee last week. "It fuckin' worked in New Orleans. Besides sand niggers may be able to make bombs, but the fuckers can't swim."

"We are witnessing enormous changes, and it will take some time before we understand how it happened. Until then we have to act just like nothing's happening and go on living our lives like Bush was told to say after 9/11 and just as Americans are doing even though there's a holocaust going on in Iraq and the planets a shithole largely of my handlers' making," said White House Chief of Stink Karl Rove.

White House Spinning The Planet

The Greenland study is the latest of several in recent months that the Cheney administration has rejected out of hand and attempted to bring charges against the studies' authors. The studies have found evidence that rising temperatures are affecting not only Earth's ice sheets but also such things as plant and animal habitats, coral reefs' health, hurricane severity, droughts, and globe-girdling currents that drive regional climates.

"We've bought our own studies," said Rove, "which indicate that we could send a barrage of press releases out there and the subsequent spin would cause the earth to rotate in the opposite direction, and the planet would be far better off."

The ice sheets in Greenland and Antarctica are among the largest reservoirs of fresh water on Earth, and major corporations have spent billions of taxpayers' money for basic research trying to figure out how to exploit that. The fate of the glaciers is expected to be a major factor in determining how much the oceans will rise.

One clear winner is the real estate industry as what constitutes beach front property. Real estate giants like Cendant Corp. and Caldwell Banker are buying up property ten miles inland in anticipation of it becoming valuable beachfront property in the near future. "This is a growth industry. No telling how many times the shoreline will shift and recede," said real estate mogul Donald Trump. "I'm in the process of turning my Atlantic City holdings into the first aqua-casinos. The whole fucking casino will be one big diving bell."

Rignot and University of Kansas scientist Pannir Kanagaratnam, fearing for his life, declined to guess how much the faster melting would raise sea levels but said current estimates of around 20 inches over the next century are probably too low. "You've heard Trump on the business news. The fuckin' loonies out there seem to be the only ones with access to capital," Kanagaratnam added.

While sea-level increases of a few feet may not sound like very much, they could have profound consequences on real estate values and what land is going to end being beach front property. "Damn. Real estate is really getting tough. You gotta fuckin' be a climatologist to stay ahead of the curve," said Michael Furpioni of Long and Foster.

Many real estate firms are offering courses in global warming and ocean currents to help their agents price and predict future home sales. "Some shit you wanna sell fast cause in a couple of months its gonna be under water," added Furpioni. "Other shit that's sitting in the desert could be fuckin' Malibu in a couple of months."

"The real estate implications are global," said Jumbo Perksey, a real estate glacier expert at the University of Cambridge School of Enclosure and Driver's Ed in England who reviewed the new paper for Science. "We are talking about walking along the sea front on a nice summer day, except that the fuckin' week before that seafront was in the middle of the fuckin' Mohave." The study also highlights how seemingly small changes in temperature can have extensive business opportunities. Where glaciers in Greenland were once traveling around four miles per year, they are now moving twice as fast outstripping many forms of traditional transport. While it is possible that increased precipitation in northern Greenland is somehow compensating for the melting in the south, the Southland executives said that is unlikely.

There are multiple ways warming might be causing glaciers to accelerate. The scientists said increased temperatures may loosen the grip that glaciers have on underlying bedrock, or melt away floating shelves along the shore that can hold ice in place. Southland has a plan to use the remaining fast moving ice as a kind of mammoth beer dispenser. In partnership with Coors Brewing, Southland plans inject millions of cans of light beer into the glacier. As the glacier melts these cans will be released and customers can claim them as designated points with a voucher issued over the internet. "It will put the fuckin' fun back into buying beer. And its fuckin' scenic too," said De Pinto.

Whatever the mechanism, the retail phenomenon seems like it will be widespread. At a news conference organized by the American Association for the Advancement of Beer Consumption at its annual meeting in St. Louis, drunken fuck Valdimole Obsebual from the Phi Beta Brew fraternity at the University of Idaho and Blimpy Corona of Chile's Centro de Estudios Cerbeza said they were hoping to see the same thing happen to glaciers in the Himalayas and South America with indigenous as well as imported beers.

"Glaciers have retreated systematically and in an accelerated fashion in the last few decades making it reliable and easy to use as coin operated beer dispensers," Corona slurred. One glacier that provided Bolivia with its only ski slope five years ago has splintered into three and a bottling plant has already been built at the top. One slope is used for premium, the second for draft and the third for light beer.

Rapid melting of Himalayan glaciers also alleviates concerns for the large portion of brewers because fresh water from glacier-fed rivers in South Asia provide a ready source. Water is an essential ingredient in beer.

Most climate scientists believe a major cause for Earth's warming climate is increased emissions of greenhouse gases as a result of burning fossil fuels, largely in the United States and other wealthy, industrialized nations such as those of western Europe but increasingly in rapidly developing nations such as China and India as well. Carbon dioxide and several other gases trap the sun's heat and raise atmospheric temperature. This has helped accelerate beer production worldwide just as the world needs to drink itself into a stupor prior to the Enlightenment induced Apocalypse.

"This study underscores the need to take swift, meaningful actions at home and abroad to harness for the common good the cold energy of melting glaciers," said Raye Hopps, director of policy analysis at the Brew Center for the Acceleration of Global Alcohol Consumption.

The data highlight the lack of meaningful U.S. policy, he added: "This is the kind of study that should make people stay awake at night wondering what we're doing to our beer, how we're shaping beer consumption for future generations and, especially, what we can do about it chillin' and swillin' at the foot of what's left of these natural wonders."