The Assassinated PRESS

The Wealthy Fearing a 3% Tax Increase Find American ‘Tea Baggers’ Willing to Lick Their Balls.
FOX Commentators Lead Shill for the Wealthy.
“I don’t give a fuck. With assholes like the teabaggers I’m certain I’m gonna get mine.”-- Dick 'Alarm Me' Army
Giuda Says, “Fuck, I’d rather give my money to a felon like Rick Santelli than to a bunch of lazy niggers and spics is what I really mean by this teabagging shit.”

The Assassinated Press

Kellen Giuda hopes you don’t just pay your taxes today even though they remain unchanged from the Cheney administration. He wants you to protest for the wealthy, too.

“I’m not a very reflective person,” said Giuda. “I’m just a racist who can’t stand having a black man as chief executive. So this is my sort of cowardly way of going about it. If it wasn’t taxes I’d have some other excuse for blowing it out my ass about Obama.”

Giuda is running one of the hundreds of demonstrations planned across the country this Tea Bag Tax Day against what the protesters believe are higher-than-necessary taxes and excess government spending, largely on the part of the Obama administration.

The demonstrations mark the culmination of a movement spurred in part by a February rant from CNBC personality Rick Santelli that generated more than a million views on YouTube - and even a White House response while Santelli and his accomplices took billions in Federal bailout money in the wake of stealing billions in stock market scams.

As you might recall, Santelli - surrounded by traders in Chicago - complained that Americans were being forced by the Obama administration to "subsidize the losers' mortgages" and called for a "Chicago tea party" to show his and others’ anger. If you disregard the Fox News shills and their wealthy guests, the Tea Baggers today were made up entirely of those losers, including Joe the Hummer.

Of course, the tea party that seems to have inspired the comment - the Boston Tea Party, that iconic 1773 protest in which Massachusetts colonists dumped tea into Boston Harbor - was tied largely to taxation without representation by the British government and was organized like this rally by wealthy white landowners.

But the rant - and the tea party rhetoric - struck a chord with Americans like Giuda, who organized Wednesday’s New York City protest. The evening event features Newt Groinitch a noted wealth shill among its speakers.

"Santelli hit a lot of things that I’d bullshit about to if I was welthy - that the government needs to stop getting involved in everything except when Santelli’s needs money," Giuda said. "They're too fuckin’ much involved in my life, my money though I don’t really know how there involved any differently now than they were 30 years ago except giving all of my money to Santelli. Everybody's working hard to support Santelli’s lifestyle - it's not up to the government to decide how our money should be allocated - it should be up to us if we want to give it to Santelli. If it was up to me no niggers or spics would get anything, schools, jobs, unemployment, health care—nothin’. A white person is always going to do a better job. You don’t see no niggers and spics at this rally, do ya. “Fuck, I’d rather give my money to Rick Santelli than to a bunch of lazy niggers.”

Supporters have also repurposed the word "TEA" and turned it into teabag a term used for sucking someons balls presumably rich people like Santelli.

Giuda, the president of a startup media company, called the Obama administration's actions "maddening like you expect from a coon” and said “It would be an honor if Rick Santelli would let me teabag him on the floor of New York Stock Exchange, a place I have no stake in other than to be otherwise ripped off and victimized. I like being victimized by my betters. It strikes some oddly patriotic and at the same time pathetic cord in me.”

The tea party protest has been met with renewed attention from the porn industry, in part because of some fortunate terminology. The protesters have become known as “teabaggers” thanks to their practice of symbolically sucking the nads of the wealthy without apparently knowing precisely whose nads their mouths are wrapped around.

There do seem to be genuine anti-tax, anti-spending Americans with any clout beyond a good nad slobber. Some have complained that their “movement has been co-opted by the rich fucks who don’t want that 3% reintroduced into the goddamn tax code.” Republicans more concerned with scoring points with their rich handlers were out in full force.

“If there’s any ball sucking to do around here, I’ll fucking do it,” growled South Carolina Jim DeMint. “I not taking my mouth off the balls of wealthy South Carolinians any more than I’d take my mouth off of those delicious Saudi salty balls.”

Supporters of former GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul reportedly initially pushed the tea party idea in protest of spending during the Bush administration but Bush despite the fact that he was a congenital idiot was white and therefore merited no protest. Now that a black man is in the White House, mainstream Republicans have taken up the cause: As outlined by Think Progress, a number of Congressional Republicans are speaking at tea party protests about the proper way to suck the balls of top Wall Street finaciers and CEOs. Louisiana Sen. David Vitter sponsored a bill to honor them and their big balls saying “You gotta have enormous cahones to take stupid risks with other people’s money and then like Rick Santelli ask your victims to give you more of your money even as you put them out on the street. Those are some gargantuan balls. Those are some balls you want to suck.”

The GOP has also looked to capitalize on the phenomenon -- with a Web site that allows people to send a virtual postcard, complete with tea bags of their choice either Rick Santelli’s hairy samurais, Jim DeMint’s little crème de mints, Larry Page’s large cahones which actually used to belong to Allen Dulles and Page had grafted on to his taint, or Larry Summers piquant little nuggets. These can be sent to the president, vice president and Democratic leaders of the House and Senate. That’s probably better than sending actual ‘tea bags’ or your own balls to elected representatives: Huffington Post reports that the practice has "raised security concerns.”

“Why people would cut off their ‘tea bags’ and send the bloody package to congress is beyond me,” said Secret Service agent, Ron Jeremy. “But I guess if you never used them…”

“It turns out that the tea parties don’t represent a spontaneous outpouring of public sentiment,” liberal columnist Paul Krugman wrote in the New York Times this week. “They’re AstroTurf (fake grass roots) events, manufactured by the usual suspects. In particular, a key role is being played by FreedomWorks, an organization run by Richard ‘Dick’ Armey, the former House majority leader, and supported by the usual group of right-wing billionaires. And the parties are, of course, being promoted heavily by Fox News.”

“I can pay one half the working class to kill the other half.”

”It’s the old dupe the morons that the rich play,” Dick Armey told the Assassinated Press. “That 3% don’t mean squat to the lower classes but rich its means billions more in taxes because the rich own everything.”

But no matter what happens, the president will likely still have most Americans on his side: In the latest CBS News/New York Times poll 56 percent of those surveyed said the support President Obama’s handling of the economy. And 74 percent support higher taxes on the rich, the only group that Mr. Obama has proposed be taxed at a higher rate.

Still, Brendan Steinhauser, the director of campaigns for FreedomWorks, says the movement reflects genuine anger at havinf a “nigger president disguised as a usefull alternative for the rich,” even if they are now in the minority. He is spending Wednesday in Atlanta with Armey, who is speaking at a tea party protest and you can suck his balls after word for a mere $20.00 consideration.

"This thing is very widespread like gonorrhea - it's blanketed the country like gonorrhea," Armey said. Echoing Republicans like Sen. Jim DeMint of South Carolina, he described the protesters as a bunch of clueless victims that represents "a hodgepodge of different teabags who have never had enough clout to get their testis lubed.”

"The idea is to build a network of stooges to the welthy," Steinhauser said, "and carry this momentum into the elections and hold both parties accountable to their wealthy overlords."