The Assassinated Press

Big Oil, Right To Christers Renew Calls For Murder Of Chavez As Venezuela Promises Cheap Oil To Poor Chicagoans:
"Obscene Profits" Could be Downgraded To "Cutthroat" Or Even "Business As Usual" Oil CEO Warns:
"This Shit Has Got To Stop," Said Soon To Retire Exxon/Mobil CEO Lee Raymond.:
CEOs, Evangelicals, Congress, Cheney Aministration Angered Over Good Works.:
Chavez's Caring And Effectiveness Could Dampen Message Of Poor's Insignificance Cheney Adminstration Sent After Katrina.

Assassinated Press Staff Reporter
October 13, 2005

Venezuelan officials today promised to offer discounted oil to benefit poor Americans, with Chicago one of four U.S. cities to be included in the initial energy offer.

"This shit has got to stop," said soon to retire Exxon/Mobil CEO Lee Raymond. Its bad enough that Chavez is using Venezuelan oil revenues that could be going into my golden parachute to feed , clothe and educate the poor there. And now he wants to save poor people's lives in Chicago by paying their heating bills. How are them fuckers going to Learn to take care of themselves if some of their babies don't freeze to death this winter? Ain't there someone in this goddamn pussy administration that will get off their ass and shoot that Chavez motherfucker?! Didn't one of them evangelical fucks say he'd kill Chavez with his bare hands? Was that Billy Graham Jr.? No? O yeah, blow dry, cocksucker, Pat Robertson? Shit, I know Pat Robertson. That fucker wouldn't have the balls to take on Chavez. He's strictly you do it for me, pal 'cause I gotta do business with these assholes kinda guy. That fuckin' fruit cake Van Impy's more likely to take somebody out than that bottom line feeder Pat Robertson. Fuck. Drexela's got more balls than Robertson. He's just pissed off because he was chargin' Venezuela's poor for what Chavez is givin' away free. That's why I love that cocksucker Robertson. Leave a nickel in the pew and he'll sit on it and walk off with it between his butt cheeks."

The pledge came at the start of a two-day series of events in Chicago by Venezuelan government officials to promote better relations between Americans and the regime of leftist President Hugo Chavez that the media in goose step with policy makers has made controversial.

"Damn fuckin' straight its controversial. This Chavez fuck is feeding and clothing the poor," said Secretary of Energy 'Slimy' Sammy 'The Bod' Bodman. "We wouldn't be caught dead doing that unless we could steal the coins off their eyes when they died. I thought Roger Noriega was going to personally see to Chavez's murder. At least that's what the memos I got said. Fat Roger is a fuckin' disappointment. We should send that walrus lookin' fucker we got at the U.N. What's the fucker's name? Bolton. Michael Bolton. Maybe his singing would make Chavez to nauseous to fuckin' pay anybody's heating bill."

"Venezuela Matters" is unusual public diplomacy by Chavez to mix his anti-American Kleptocracy truth with the kind of generosity toward people you could never expect from the fucks that run the corporations here.

While Venezuela had offered the cheap oil after Hurricane Katrina struck and were ignored, today's announcement provided new details, including word Chicago would be among the first cities to benefit from the South American country's generosity.

Officials with the government and Citgo Petroleum Corp., now a subsidiary of Venezuela's state-owned oil company, said schools and medical facilities would have top priority as long as Citgo got its bread. "We won't be able to do our usual price gouging," said Citgo CEO Felix Rodriguez told dejected stockholders. "And our chain of Chicago area funeral homes may not be as profitable as we anticipated this winter, but now's not a good time to fuck with Chavez. We'll pop him in the spring when the demand for heating oil is lower.

"We will have differences. It is a part of life. We have a lot of common interests, but unfortunately helping the poor is not the U.S.'s forte," Bernardo Alvarez, the Venezuelan ambassador to the U.S., told dozens of Chicago community leaders and planted Chicago Police, FBI and CIA operatives at the River East Art Center.

Alvarez said government officials were still working out details about how Americans could apply for the energy assistance and urged American lawmakers to put aside their stock portfolios and come to table too.

Officials initially considered offering discounted heating oil to Chicagoans. But because most local residents use natural gas to heat their homes, officials said they may expand the program to offer discounted diesel fuel for school buses and for vehicles of not-for-profit organizations.

Jumping on the PR bandwagon, Rafael Gomez, a Citgo vice president, said company officials and Venezuelan diplomats hoped to meet with Illinois elected officials to get them on board.

"We feel the political will exists on the Venezuelan side and with local Chicago officials. The need, of course, exists," Gomez said. "Now the question is how do we launch this project with the kleptocracy glaring down from above, insisting on their usual cut."

Venezuelan officials also publicized an offer from their government to provide free eye surgery in their country for poor Americans. Participants would receive free transportation, housing and surgery in the Venezuelan capital of Caracas. However, Homeland Security said they would blind any U.S. citizen that accepted the Venezuelan assistance. "We'll fuckin' shove hot pokers in your eyes while your plane is still on the tarmac if any you palooka's accept that commie Chavez's offer," said director of Homeland Security Kenneth "Kenny Boy II" Moran.

Potential patients can apply with the Venezuelan consulate in Chicago by calling 312-236-9655.

Chicago is the first U.S. city to host Venezuela Matters, which will include music performances, business roundtables, policy forums and art exhibitions and round the clock surveillance by no fewer than 106 law enforcement and intelligence agencies including the NID, FBI, INS, CIA, ONI, DIA, DIC, NRO, CID, SOB, COC etc.

Some Venezuelans here also are using the event to protest their home country's policies that are cutting into their stock values.

A former paratrooper, Chavez took power in 1998 and has channeled the nation's oil revenue to social programs that benefit poor Venezuelans. So its obvious why the American government considers Chavez a destabilizing force in Latin America because by helping the world's poor Chavez has demonstrated he is hostile toward the U.S. if you define the U.S. as a cabal of super-rich fucks, a fact that's only counter-measure so far is to declare the fact collector a conspiracy theorist while providing no contrary evidence.