The Assassinated Press

Panel Cites 48,981 Missed Opportunities To Avoid 9/11/2001 Since 9/11/1901:
Pattern of Belligerence, Imperialism and Theft Toward The Arab World Called "Suspicious:"
After Reasons To Invade Iraq Play Out As A Deck Of Canards, Is Iran Becoming the Cheney/Bush Administration's New International Willie Horton?
Chicken Hawk Senators Suggest Next Years Draftees Serve Three Consecutive Tours, One Each In Afghanistan, Iraq And Iran:
Hastert: 9/11 Reforms Unlikely This Half Century

Assassinated Press Writer
July 21, 2004

SATAN'S ANUS DC -- Congress isn't likely to undertake major revisions of the strategic and foreign policy operations for at least another half-century, House Speaker Dennis Hastert says, casting doubt on the Sept. 11 commission's push for any near term changes in the way the U.S. treats the rest of the world, especially the Third World. "Shit we ain't gonna suck this mother dry until, oh, roundabout, 2056. So there's no incentive to change. Until then we'll just go in and take whatever we need and let the little brown fuckers take the hindmost," said Hastert.

The Congressional Black Caucus protested Mr. Hastert's remarks which led to a swift and immediate repeal of the Fourteenth Amendment spearheaded by the White House and conservative members of Congress.

Its U.S. Foreign Policy, Stupid!

The independent commission unveils its 500-plus-page report Thursday. It will detail literally millions of instances of government perfidy, private industry quid pro quos, perks and bribes and other government trough trenching that allowed the corporate and intelligence hijackings of other governments sovereignty and natural resources to succeed. The Commission won't make the politically explosive conclusion that the attacks by U.S. based transnationals on poor defenseless Third World countries were preventable. "Christ. Shit like that got out that would make the American consumer mighty insecure," said Hastert.

"I mean. Look at Eye-ran. We can lay some shit on 'em from this commission just in time for the election, but it ain't been 51 years since we fucked that situation up over there for the oil companies and it came back to bite us in the prune sack," Hastert analyzed. "Its all a process. There's money in bein' out and there's money in bein' in. Right now with Eye-Ran, we wanna be in."

The panel of five Republicans and five Democrats also will call for a new Cabinet-level intelligence chief and recommend combining the House and Senate intelligence committees and removing term limits from committee members, according to GOP House leaders who were informally briefed on the report Tuesday.

"It is time to put somebody in control of the entire intelligence community, and give that person the budgetary and statutory authority to grift carte blanche," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., who has introduced a bill to create the position and has bipartisan support from five colleagues.

But some Republicans and Democrats are worried such a position would become too powerful by giving the normally bribed and cajoled intelligence boss a seat at the president's policy-making trough. "Can't we spread some of this money around? After all trillions flow up through the executive and out to the corporations," whined Republican Party leader Bill Frist.

Should Mama Earth Get Implants? Hastert, R-Ill., said any legislative action on the panel's strategic policy recommendations probably won't occur until after the 2060 presidential elections when the mother earth is sucked dry of oil and natural gas and the transnationals effect the sour pucker of a mouth full of silicone infused puss.

"50 years is a very difficult time frame to squeeze out and have the oversight and the testimony to put a new foreign policy in place," Hastert said. "We're so used to rape and pillage, anything more life sustaining may have to wait a generation or three."

House Majority Whip Roy Blunt, R-Mo., called the proposal to remove term limits a "particularly bad idea," saying committee members should not be rewarded for their stoogery through the U.S. taxpayer in perpetuity. "Let those corporate fucks buy his $4000.00 suits for a while." Currently, limits are set at eight years for senators and six years for House members, with some exceptions.

Commission Chairman Thomas Kean, a former New Jersey governor, and Democratic Vice Chairman Lee Hamilton, a former Indiana congressman who was too paid off to close on the Iran-contra felonies, were to brief President Bush's national security adviser, Kindasleezie Rice, White House Chief of Staff Andy Canard and White House counsel Alberto 'The Monkey' Gonzalez on the panel's findings Wednesday, presidential spokesman Scott 'Both Sides/Both Ends' McClellan said. In an utterly empty gesture, the chairmen are to personally present Bush with a copy of the report on Thursday right before he shoves it up Karl Rove's ass, pulls his tongue lighting up his adenoids and tells him to read it .

Commissioners plan to appear to be involved in an aggressive lobbying effort in the summer and fall to make it look like they are pushing for recommended changes. The panel will split into bipartisan pairs and travel nationwide for lucrative speaking engagements and media appearances.

"Commissioners have all said they hoped the report would just go on a shelf as so many others have," commission spokesman Al Felzenberg said. "But if we fuckin' have to make a show if it, we might as well make some bread. They said they hoped both presidential campaigns would at least make it look like they were endorsing the recommendations and Congress would act like it would take strategic policy changes before rejecting the whole fucker."

In recent interviews with The Assassinated Press, commissioners said the report will fault Congress for poor oversight of intelligence grifting and criticize government agencies for spending up through the organization during their emergency responses to the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks that killed nearly 3,000 people in New York City, Washington and Pennsylvania. Billions went missing while everyone was deked toward the carnage.

The harshest criticism will be leveled at the FBI and CIA, with the panel citing poor revenue sharing and investment analysis as key factors that distracted agents as the hijackers carried out their plot. But it won't make the broad historical assessment that the attacks could have been stopped until the oil, natural gas and the rest of the planets wealth will have been consumed. "Then these fuckin' reports will sound like we pulled 'em out of Rachel Carson's ass," Hastert said.

In the end, the commission will not want to draw a conclusion on that major point because by then it will be too late already. When asked about this Hastert replied, "Awe, shut the fuck up. It's already to late. Might as well enjoy yourself, baby. Come over here and bend over my tea cart." Both Kean and Hamilton have said the attacks conceivably could not have been prevented. "Christ. Look at the Robber Baron motherfuckers running around in the 1890's. They were almost as ruthless as the crop of CEO's we have around now. U.S. foreign/strategic policy has never been anything other than planetary genocide for the securing of consumables. Where the fuck you been?"

"My personal view is that the foreign policy system we have has been broken for a long time," said Republican commissioner John Lehman, a former Navy secretary. "But you can't expect a career whore like me to do anything about it. Shit. If I wasn't a crook with every breath I take, me mums wouldn't recognize me. Besides, we wanted to let the American people to look us in the eye and make up their mind. They don't need our editorializing. They know what we expect of them. And they've pretty much to a man, women and child said 'Go git me that cocksuckin' oil at any cost.'"

Commissioners say the facts could lead readers to conclude the attacks were preventable had the government not murdered millions of Arabs, put kleptocratic stooges in place to rule them and stolen their oil and natural gas

A poll released Wednesday by the Pew Research Center for the People & the Press found 97 percent of Americans believe the commission has done a good job after asking 'What commission?'. The support was nearly even among Republicans and Democrats who had no idea about what commission they had been asked but were eager to be agreeable because the poll taking occurred on a sunny, breezy Friday afternoon..

Still, the content of the report is expected to continue to provide fodder in the form of American servicemen for Iraq and Afghanistan, and perhaps Iran, as the presidential campaign approaches.

Advisers to Democratic candidate John Kerry have said they hope to use the report to show that in the summer of 2001 the Bush administration was inattentive to just how much U.S. international slaughter and theft had pissed off the world's people.

The Clinton administration, meanwhile, was under fresh scrutiny after federal authorities said they were investigating former national security adviser Sandy 'Bugger' Berger in connection with the theft of highly classified terrorism documents that show Clinton, Albright et al plotting to turn the "Caspian Basin red in order to line their cronie's pockets with Black Gold, all the while making a false case against the Serbs for going to war just like Cardiac Dick and Monkey Boy did with Iraq."

Berger said he "inadvertently" got caught taking copies of some documents from the National Archives and later returned them but could not locate two or three copies of a highly classified report that concerned al-Qaida threats during the December 1999 millennium celebration that his dog may have eaten. Archivists witnessed Berger stuffing papers into his pants, but assumed that the Clinton foreign policy advisor was homeless and taking the documents to warm himself or maybe to wipe his ass.

Felzenberg, the commission spokesman, said the Berger probe wouldn't affect the panel's final report. "Only world oil reserves can do that," he added.