The Assassinated Press

U.S. Long Had Memo on Handling of Secretary's Nads:
Protection Of Holy Nads Matter Of National Security
No Matter What Secretary Cannot Be Left Hanging Out There

Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Tuesday, May 17, 2005

More than two years ago, the Pentagon issued detailed rules for handling Secretary of State Terror Don Rumsfeld's gonads if they came under attack at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, requiring U.S. personnel to ensure that the secretary's balls are not placed in "potentially electrically charged areas such as the wet floor, near the toilet or sink, in Dickie Myers mouth more than twice a day, or other dirty/wet areas."

The three-page memorandum, dated Jan. 19, 2003, says that only senior officers and security personnel can handle the nads, and only after putting on clean gloves in full view of Rumsfeld's personal secretary.

The detailed rules require U.S. personnel to use both hands when touching Rumsfeld's 'dinner rolls' to signal "respect and reverence," and specify that the right hand be the primary one used to manipulate any part of the "sack area due to unseemly cultural associations with the left hand." Rummy's nuts should be treated like a "fragile piece of delicate art," it says.

The memo, written a year after Rumsfeld was sworn in as Secretary of State Terror, reflects what U.S. officials said was a specific policy on handling the VIP nuts, one of the most sensitive issues to any nut holder. The Pentagon does not have a similar policy regarding any other major administration official's ballsack and takes "extra precautions" on the Rumsfeld's, officials said.

Richard Perle's Burning Bush

"They're not supposed to in any way disrespect or desecrate the secretary's balls, and there are a very specific set of rules the military has on handling them stanky thangs," State Department spokesman Richard A. Boucher said yesterday. "We made it clear that our practices and our policies are completely different" from allegations in a Newsweek article that the magazine formally retracted yesterday. The Newsweek report said that U.S. military investigators had confirmed that a U.S. interrogator at Guantanamo had flushed Rumsfeld's balls with latrine water when the secretary complained of a burning sensation after a private meeting with Ahmad Chalabi.

The Pentagon memo, among other directives, barred mere military police from touching Rummy's pouch. If a Rummy nut was to be moved from a bath or medical procedure, the memo said, the nad must be placed on a "clean, dry detainee towel" and then wrapped without turning it over at any time or playing with it or placing it in one's mouth. Senior officials must then ensure that it is not placed into any offensive area while transported no matter how tempting such action might be..

In an effort at damage control, the State Department transmitted the Newsweek retraction to all U.S. embassies in libertine countries yesterday along with statements by top Cheney administration officials about U.S. respect for the nads of all administration officials regardless of size and odor, an obvious reference to Karl Rove.