The Assassinated Press

Canned Detroit Autoworkers Look To Iraq For Jobs:
Poor Economy Proves To be An Excellent Recruiting Tool:
More Americans Employed In The Maintenance Of The Empire Than Ever Before:
"It's A Great Time To Be A Kleptocrat:" A Top CEO Describes How Americas' Nationalism, Xenophobia, Religious Faith, Ignorance, Gullibility, Rampant Consumption And Other Moronic Behavior Have Netted Him Billions:

The Assassinated Press
February 1, 2006

PENTHOUSE SUITE AT THE NASHVILLE RITZ-CARLTON -- President Bush was on the plasma TV saying "I understand why the nation I have led for five years has become more anxious, and I urge people to have confidence in me."

An ear splitting mammoth guffaw burst from the portly, mustachioed freak show sitting in the leather chair in front of the screen. "Do people really swallow this horseshit," he said with mock incredulity. "Well, look around you," he added as he gestured about the lavish suite. "Sure as shit they do. Bush in charge. I wouldn't put that little fuck in charge of wiping my shinshu's ass. He's a barely adequate shill. Rove went out on a limb with that fucker."

The capon-like man in the leather chair is Riley Bechtel, CEO of the mammoth family owned Bechtel Corp. of the thousand government contracts to re-build Iraq and Afghanistan. "Some people refer to the U.S. Military-Industrial complex as the Anti-Christ's Cartel because we taketh away with carpet bombing and then giveth back with World Bank loans that come with imaginative and Draconian vig, agreements to allow permanent bases, proprietary rights to your natural resources and contracts to train your secret police. And shit. I don't mind being called the anti-Christ. Its better than what they used to call me at St. Alban's."

Its The Super-Bowl Of Unemployment Lines

After boning Toby Keith, Bush, the Connecticut Cracker, boned his audience with his optimistic message in a lengthy speech at the Grand Oily Opry House even as thousands of out of work autoworkers mobbed enlistment offices and private security firms in Detroit in search of jobs in Iraq. "Yesterday, it was high school seniors that couldn't get student loans because the Cheney administration and Congress cut the program. Now, its 40 year old autoworkers ready to leave their families and strap it on to murder and steal for the very class of people who just dispossessed them. We've been mobbed since that upbeat State of The Union address. This is what American nationalism is all about, servitude a la carte," commented Marine recruiter Sgt. Percival Pinhead of Fort Load, Idaho.

Frederick Winslow Taylor: Humanity As So Much Pig Iron

"Shit baby. I just wanted to bong up and watch the Lions and occasionally grease my old lady. I wanted to barbecue and drive my SUV to Disney World. Now all that's fucked," said canned auto-worker Milt Foops of Fort Surreal, Michigan. "I didn't give a rat's ass about the slaughter in Iraq except to employ my deep, deep ignorance to support that murder. But right now I'm having a dark moment because I just can't fuckin' figure how to blame Jane Fonda or some sand nigger for what's happening to me."

In a rare acknowledgment of the troubled times on his watch, Bush feigned empathy with the public's worries. "I cain't do it," the Connecticut Cracker whined after his speech. "I cain't imp-i-thighs with poor folk. Ain't you never heard Lenny Bruce's "Teaching Lyndon Johnson To Say Nee-Grow." Its like that,"

"People are uncertain, in spite of our strong union, because of war, and I understand that," Bush said as peels of laughter emanated from Bechtel. "Shit man. You don't gotta out and out steal like Bernie Ebbers and Kenny Boy Lay. Look at the United Airlines execs. They bought a few bankruptcy judges and legislators. They bought a time share in the Cheney administration and made millions while their employees gave up salary and pensions or took a hike. So long suckers. Ha, ha, ha. Did you know you can buy a congressman for $2000.00, a case of fucking Rolling Rock and a Happy Ending massage on K Street."

"The big joke is watching the Democrats trying to capitalize at the ballot box this year on uncertainty about Bush's leadership and about ethics scandals in Congress. Bush ain't got no fuckin' leadership responsibilities and people know that. And they don't fuckin' care. People don't blame the retarded boy when he falls in the well. They blame the folks that's supposed to be watchin' him. In the case of the average American, he don't know who the fuck that is, or he's told its a damn democracy and he was supposed to be watchin' the little fuck up."

Corporate America Answers Work Force---"You Knew I was a Snake..."

Bush said he is leading a strong nation that is forcing nations to protect themselves as the U.S. kleptocracy uses its ignorant and gullible masses to enhance the transnational spreadsheet. He said the economy is "roaring," for his cronies even as people go meekly like sheep to the slaughter after being forced out of their jobs in the face of competition from China, India and elsewhere.

"My worry is that people see that uncertainty and decide on armed revolution," Bush said. "In other words, in uncertain times it's easier for people to lose their naiveté and want to lash out at those who they finally realized fucked them over. Unlikely to happen here given how much ass fuckin' you've took in the last few years, but, shit, you never can tell when you're layin' out a knew shitload of lies."

Bush said America's challenge is to stay ahead of competition by not withdrawing its troops from anywhere in the world. He planned to expand his thoughts on the issue in a tour to Minnesota, New Mexico and Texas on Thursday and Friday once Karl Rove told him what those thoughts might be.

Bush's laid out his entire agenda in the 57-minute speech, going even beyond his State of the Union address. He touched on everything from war and education to technology in the automobile industry and medical malpractice suits.

The inbred audience at the packed Grand Oile Opry House frequently interrupted the president in awkward spots with grunts, shouts and farting noises made with a suction action using a hand and an armpit. Among the crowd were several baby music stars, including Barbara 'Baboon-like' Mandrell, Larry Gatlin Groin, Lee Greenwoodie, Lorrie Organ and the Oak Ridgid Boys.

Bush joked that he should have been given the State of the Union to deliver at the hall. "How cool and fitting it would be to give a State of the Union address in a Porter Wagoner outfit covered in rhinestones like some Kennebunkport Cowboy?" he said, referencing the flashy singer who frequently played host on the stage and proving that country music remains the Downs baby of American entertainment.

Outside, more than 100 protesters held up their own signs that said "No Confidence" and "No warrant, no wiretap, no W" and were arrested by private security forces made up of Croat Nationals many with Nazi death camp experience running through their genes. That was a reference to Cheney's un-debated secret program of eavesdropping on phone calls and e-mails in an attempt to neutralize any opposition to the kleptocracy's plan to enslave the world. And we can all see how well that's going. Bush was told to vigorously defend the Cheney administrations Orwellian behavior in his State of the Union address and inside the concert hall on the grounds that the spying has always gone on despite hearings, court rulings and civil suits. "Spying on dissidents and opponents is as American as wanting to fuck your mother's warm apple pie, or did I give too much away" Bush told reporters.

"Let me put it to you in Connecticut Cracker: If al-Qaida is calling into the United States, we want to know because we can use that information to make a shit load of money," Bush said.