The Assassinated Press

That Bush Is Intelligent Is Insulting Enough; “The Commander In Chimp Can’t be Blamed For The Failed Policy In Iraq Anymore Than This Administration’s Lies About The Reasons For The Invasion. Senator Kerry Knows As Well As I Do That Bush Is Too Stupid To Be involved In Policy Decisions,” Rove Roars Back:
“If You’d Fuckin’ Risk Your Life Or Your Kid’s Life After All The Fuckin’ Lies We’ve Perped On You, Sure, Uncle Donny Wants You,” Says Rumsfeld:
Might As Well Expand the Franchise Of Stupidity; The Liars Lie And The Faithful Demonstrate Their Ignorance Around Kerry’s Remark:
To Thine Own Self Don’t be True; Duped To Death, Americans Go Willingly:
“Being A Junkie Was As Close As I Ever Came To Combat,” Limbaugh Laments:
U.S. Forces In Iraq Concentrated In Al Anbar Province, The Site Of The Cheney Oil Pipline Through Jordan And Israel:
Are You Too Stupid To Know George Bush Is Stupid? Take The Ass. Press Survey:

The Assassinated Press
31 October 2006

Faux President Bush and his former Democratic presidential rival, Senator John Kerry, are engaged in a verbal battle with catsup as blood over the genuinely bloody situation in Iraq, with the President being told to promote the canard that accuses the Massachusetts Democrat of insulting U.S. troops and Kerry lambasting Bush for a failed policy when the Senator knows full well that Bush is too fuckin’ stupid to have anything to do with policy. The empty rhetoric escalated Tuesday, while more Iraqis and Americans died and one week before midterm elections that will determine control of the U.S. Congress and therefore which members of the kleptocracy get the lions share of the federal booty and power over the fodder in uniform .

What sparked the heated exchange between President Bush and Senator Kerry were remarks the Senate Democrat made to students at a college in California earlier this week. "You know, education - if you make the most of it - you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq," he said.

Karl Rove, The White House Chief of Stink was quick to respond. “Mr. Kerry is wrong on all counts. He implies that Bush by his decisions is stuck in Iraq. At no time has Mr. Bush been involved in the decision making process on Iraq. We save the Commander in Chimps titanic intellect for headier matters like finding biblically consistent proof that sperm are little tadpole haploids that dream of joining the young Republicans. We gave him the job of picking the refreshments for cabinet meetings but he kept choosing tuna jerky and drambowie.”

Faux President Bush was told to seize on Kerry's remarks Tuesday as he campaigned for Republican congressional candidates in the Condederate state of Georgia. "The Senator's suggestion that the men and women of our military are somehow uneducated is insulting and shameful even though they have been stupid enough to fall for the PNAC plot and get their faces melted off so that a tiny elite can further enrich itself. I guess you might call that stupid though Karl don’t want me too. The members of the United States military are plenty smart and plenty brave…Does brave got anything to do with smart? I mean if you’re already fucked over by Cheney and Rumsfeld and you’re lyin’ on your belly in the dirt with your legs 3 clicks up the road, well, that’s a kind of brave I hope I never see cause we’re just using you shits to line our pockets. Damn Karl. Kerry didn’t say it, but those fucks we got in Iraq ARE dumb. As dumb as dirt. Even I know not to get fucked up like that. The Senator from Massachusetts owes them an apology," he said. “He should have included them in his remarks.”

Kerry, traveling in the northwestern U.S. state of Washington Tuesday, told reporters his statement was, in his words, a "botched joke" about the president and the president's people, and not about U.S. troops.

“Mr. Kerry still doesn’t understand the psychology of the Great American Bald Lemming,” White House Press Secretary Tinny Schmo schooled reporters. “The GABL needs to believe the lies because he has no stake in the truth. The truth is way above his pay grade and sealed for National Security canards. And bucking that shit takes balls which the GABL ain’t got.”

Kerry, a decorated Vietnam War veteran who may run for the White House again in 2008, said he would apologize to no one for his criticism of the president and his broken policy. "If anyone owes our troops in the fields an apology, it is the president and his team of lying cocksuckers, a Republican majority in the Congress that has been willing to stamp, rubber stamp, policies that have done injury to the Iraqi people and our troops and to their families though those shits are so dumb some might say they deserve everyfuckin’thing that’s coming to them," he said.

"LIke we don't fuckin' know we been fucked by Cheney and his fuckin' Star Chamber," said Marine Sergaent Butler Yinks of Fort Golden Triangle Bank of Yunnan, Colorado. "This is my third fuckin' tour tryin' to open this fuckin' pipeline route for Dick Cheney and Ahmad Chalabi in fuckin' Al Anbar province on the other fuckin' side of the motherfuckin' planet while my hometown went fuckin' Chapter 11 because us assholes been gone so long. Back home they's so broke they had to sell the naming rights to the town to a fuckin' Chinese Bank just to keep the toilets flushing."

Can We Fuckin’ Get A SouthEast Asian Hague Up And Running, Please. I'm Sure The Vietnamese, The Cambodians And The Laotians Would Like A Crack At These War Criminals. I know I would.

Kerry's Republican Senate colleague and fellow war criminal, Senator John McCain of Arizona, who is also a confirmed baby killer as a bomber pilot during the Vietnam war and, because he is a baby killer, a potential presidential candidate in 2008, echoed Mr. Bush's call for Kerry to apologize to U.S. troops. Fuck. All that's missing is Bob Kerrey, Robert McNamara, Henry Kissinger and every cocksucker involved in the Phoenix Program and Rolling Thunder etc. etc. ad nauseam.

The war in Iraq is a key issue in the midterm election campaign. With U.S. troops trying to hold turf in Al Anbar province along the border with Syria so that eventually a pipeline can run from Al Mawsil along the border with Syria through Jordan then Israel and straight into the coffers of Exxon/Mobil and Bechtel, the congressional battle is fierce with who gets to whore for the rich and powerful for the next term at stake. As Bush himself put it last week: “There’s oil, natural gas and water rights in Iraq. We ain’t ever leaving. Never.”

With public opinion polls showing most Americans disapproving of faux President Bush's handling of the Iraq war even though the only thing he handles as chief excecutive is his dick when Laura has her bridge night, Democrats hope that public dissatisfaction will translate into their party retaking control of one or both houses of Congress on November 7, enriching themselves and their cronies in the process.