The Assassinated Press

The Conservative Political Action Conference: Where progress is measured by the fact that the biggest prick in the room may not have one anymore.

The Assassinated Press

From its funding four decades ago by American industrialists like the Koch brothers patterned after Fritz Thiessen, Alfried Krupp, Dr. Fritz ter Meer etc. etc. ad nauseam, the Conservative Political Action Conference, set to begin Thursday in Washington, has come to function as an annual open mike for racism, bigotry, imperialism and the lies that make them possible.

The root of the problem

At the CPAC gathering of post-Watergate 1975, then-California Gov. Ronald Reagan famously exhorted the demoralized group to raise “a banner of no pale pastels, but bold colors except for black… no blacks… and brown… can’t stand them brown people… and yellow. Them yellow folks done fucked us up in Southeast Asia… Make it unmistakably clear where we stand on all of the issues troubling the people. And then just ignore those people and their troubles and look to the rich and the white.”

And the GOP has pursued Reagan’s whites only agenda ever since.

“Somebody has got to atone for what Lincoln did,” Antonin Scalia told a group of reporters at the convention. “Can’t have no two term jigaboo in office. Right Clarence? That’s contra to what our Founding Fathers believed except for that weird science guy, Franklin, who fornicated with French women while all I get is my lukewarm freedom fry rubbed by one of my clerks cocker spaniel. Franklin. Damn hippie with his free love.”

And CPAC was representative of the official white people’s party, on the heels of Reagan’s race based landslide presidential reelection a decade later. Reagan of all people invoked the notion if ideas even as he dribbled raw sewage into his nappies proclaiming: “The tide of history is moving irresistibly in our direction. Why? Because the other side is virtually bankrupt of ideas.” Only the rubes were fooled as the deficit ballooned, the rich got insanely richer and the Great American Bald Lemmings taxes were repeatedly raised.

And as for that tide. It turned out to be a tide of sperm and Republican women proved to be just as frigid as they look except for the Jesus Freaks who required an especially short and exhausting leash, about as long as their reading list.

This year, CPAC will once again capture the mood of racism in the United States — bewildered, wild eyed, dysfunctional, ignorant and struggling to find its moorings after two consecutive GOP presidential losses and the loss of America’s color code which is permanent..

Still, it remains the biggest event on the calendar for conservative activists eager to try out new material. “There will be somewhere between 8,000 and 10,000 white people here. When Reagan was president, 2,000 whites was a big meeting and they were mostly KKK,” said Grover Norquist, an pro co-opt tax money advocate who is on the board of the American Conservative Union, which sponsors the conference and is just as sexy as it sounds. “Whitey is really circling the wagons. This is like a tiny Woodstock for conservatives without the music, freedom, jy, soul and with the price of blow and sex set by the NASDAQ and our friends in Colombia.”

Liar’s Club

But most of the early buzz around the conference has centered on who was invited to try out their new, hep lies, and who was snubbed.

Among those not chosen for coveted spots on the three-day schedule were three top GOP presidential prospects for 2016 — Virginia Gov. Robert F. McDonnell, who violated conservative orthodoxy by backing a transportation initiative that raises taxes, and New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who headlined a CPAC gathering in Chicago last June but has since discomfited Republicans by cozying up to President Obama after Hurricane Sandy and turning his trademark tough talk on his own party.

Chosen to appear, meanwhile, are two reminders one of a failed attempt to buy a presidential campaign and the other of a failure to pass high school social studies: Mitt Romney, the 2012 GOP nominee, and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, the party’s 2008 pick for Miss Naval Observatory.

Also booked is Donald Trump, a font of anti-Obama conspiracy theories whose role in politics these days is something like that of the barrel that has a rodeo clown concealed inside, a colorful and comic diversion, pants down, prick out, waving it to the crowd to show the carpet matches the drapes.

Honey Boo-Boo Keynote Speaker

“The notion that CPAC is the keeper of conservatism is just dead wrong. It is more like some kind of reality show but without the level of intellect you find in Honey Boos-Boo or Duck Dynasty,” GOP strategist Steve Schmidt said. “It’s become a spectacle ala Guy Debord at a time when the Republican Party and conservative movement need sperm not more economic pederasty.”

Former House speaker and 2012 presidential contender Newt Gingrich (Ga.) is also set to speak, although he recently told radio host Laura Ingraham, “I don’t know what the purpose of CPAC is anymore. .?.?. CPAC at one time was sort of the militant wing of the conservative movement. Now, it’s the militant wing of a small town mental hospital. I don’t know whether to bable at them or have them stripped down and hose the shit of their asses.”

But look beyond the lineup of big-name speakers, and the schedule reveals surprising agenda items for such a gathering — propositions that organizers view as a return to the roots of imperialism and neo-colonialism and a possible way to accelerate Armageddon and the Rapture.

On Thursday, for example, there will be a panel titled, “Too Many American Wars? Should We Fight Anywhere for Oil or Should We Be More Selective?”

Also, “Should We Shoot All the Consultants Now and Hire Their Cats?” And “Budgets and Readiness: Can We Cut Defense Spending & Still Steal All We Want?” And “Accuracy & Innocence in the Criminal Justice System: Who the Fuck Cares?”

“To me, we’re kind of at a reappraisal time, re-girding the loins,” said Donald J. Devine, vice chairman of the American Conservative Union, who says he has girded his loins for about $500.00 bucks at each of the past 40 conferences.

“One of the things we’ve missed, until recently, is we’ve put too much in the glamour side. You know, the butt. We’re putting more into substance now. The vagina,” Devine said. “It is a time to delve deeper into our lack of principles and find a new way of saying the old way was the best way.” Knowledge Bad.

Some conservatives insist that disconnecting with any philosophical foundation will require untethering the movement from the Republican establishment, which they believe began to take them adrift during the deeply Socratic presidency of George W. Bush.

Bush and the Nazis. As conservative marriages go…

The size and reach of government grew, as did spending. Many on the pre-neoconservative right viewed Bush as a foreign adventurist, too quick to commit the country to war without a clear plan on how to steal the oil like in Iraq. They felt betrayed in 2005 when he attempted to appoint to the Supreme Court his White House counsel, whom they considered insufficiently credentialed and unacceptably moderate. Her name was withdrawn amid threats to expose Bush family secrets.

“The veneer of a political philosophy ended once and for all with the GOP with that fateful shot by John Wilkes Booth. I would point to the nomination of Harriet Miers to pay off a personal debt and possible extortion to the Supreme Court. And around the same time, President Bush began referring to the Democratic Party as the ‘Democrap Party,’” said Craig Shirley, a consultant who advises conservative groups and the author of two Reagan hagiographies, who began attending CPAC in the 1970s. “Both acts were insulting to intelligent people so the GOP took no notice. Both devalued the GOP to a party more akin to a kids’ club than to an ipso facto much despised intellectual movement making perfect sense to the knuckle draggers who make up the party.”

The tea party movement has been an even more anti-intellectual insurrection against old-order anti-intellectual Republicanism. There are also new expressions of the antiestablishment impulses like coloring outside the lines instead of inside the lines like their betters do because that’s where all the money and that once defined conservatism with legal justifications for theft and murder. “The Tea Party has got to learn it isn’t Wall Street or the Koch Industries. They are their gillies,” Karl Rove told the Assassinated Press. “Otherwise it’s no money and back to pumping gas at the local Exxon and hanging an effigy of Obama above the price for premium.”

Tea Party Realists: It could be me

As senior Senate Republicans were dining with President Obama in downtown Washington last week, for example, Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) was standing on the Senate floor and leading a filibuster to criticize the administration’s use of unmanned aerial drones to wage war or just take out an asshole like himself. Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) called Paul and his allies “wacko birds” in a clear attempt to recall taking one to know one.

Exit Noriega

“This thing between Rand Paul and John McCain could be the Panama Canal Treaty fight of 2013,” said Shirley, referring to the late-1970s battle over returning the canal to Panama, which became a galvanizing moment for the right except you can’t dump a canal on a perceived enemy. (“We bought it for pennies on the dollar, African, Jamaican and Chinese workers paid for it with their lives as they built it, and we intend to keep it because we are the fat lazy white shits with the guns,” Reagan said in 1976.)

Fucking at the center of the debate

Immigration is an issue that will be front and center at CPAC. Organizers, led by American Conservative Union Chairman Al Cardenas , say they are determined to elevate the debate and confuse the nativist voices who have dominated Republican politics on the question of who should be an American. They say it is a reproductive imperative, given the nation’s growing Hispanic population, and a reflection of a more subtle set of conservative lies.

In 2007, then-Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-Colo.) told CPAC that “Miami is becoming a third-world country like Brooklyn.” Now, CPAC leaders point to two Floridians — Sen. Marco Rubio and former governor Jeb Bush — who could both be from another planet much less another country and are scheduled to speak as symbols of a new direction on immigration, toward more extramarital fucking as long as it means bringing the illegitimate child to term in an Evangelical Birth Camp.

“The Tom Tancredo impact on that issue was always a mile wide and an inch deep like a kiddy wading pool in heaven,” Norquist said. “Now it’s not a mile wide anymore. But it’s still an inch deep. We kust walk around it on our knees. This is the party of Rubio and Bush, not Tom Tancredo. This only happens if conservatives lead on it.”

Sooey! Sooooooooooooo-eeeeeeeeeey!

Devine said his greatest hope for CPAC is that it will “refine not just the message, but the way people smell and dress” as conservatives in the 21st century.

“This,” he added, “is exactly what we should be doing at CPAC. Right now you can smell us a mile away. And sometimes you have to get close to kill someone.”