The Assassinated Press

Last Call To ROCK & ROLL!!!!; Many Who Support The War Have Not Yet Signed Up. Hurry The Fuck Up. You Are the Morons We Most Want To See Come Back In A Box Or Not Come Back To Our Country At All.:
Administration Thoroughly Whipped In Iraq, Ready To Cut And Run In Spring:
"We Got Fuckin' Better Things To Do Than Steal Iraq's Oil For That Cocksucker Dick Cheney," Reads Communiqué From Joint Chiefs Of Staff:
Remaining Troops And Mercs Will Protect Dick Cheney's Oil, Natural Gas, Scott McLellan says:
Evacuation Planned By Helicopter From Roof Of Baghdad Embassy:
Shia Charter To Give Shi'ites A Big Role; Committee Chairman Misinterprets What U.S. Oligarchy Means By Democracy, Cites "Will of Majority" Instead Of Will Of Those In Which The Majority Of Wealth Resides.:
U.S. Signals Spring Start of Pullout But Will Continue To Fuck Up Iraq In Traditional Foreign Policy Ways.:
General Restates Position, Noting Contingencies, As Rumsfeld Arrives In Baghdad To Tell Him To Shut His Piehole About The Cut And Run.:
"He may be a smirking little ignorant prick of a president, but he's my smirking little ignorant prick of a president," As Americans rally around their fool, ready to 'Rock & Roll' in Iran.

Assassinated Press Staff Writers
Thursday, July 28

BAGHDADA, July 27 -- The top U.S. military leader in Iraq said Wednesday that if insurgent attacks keep up in Iraq the 135,000 U.S. troops in the country could be in full retreat as early as next spring unless thousands of Americans who support the war get off their fat asses and sign the fuck up. "Every red blooded American blind enough to support this war for oil should sign fuckin' up. We don't care if your blind. We're desperate," Dick Cheney told a gathering of American Legionaires. After Cheney's inspiring speech hundreds of Americans who stand by their commander in chief no matter how retarded a brain damaged puppet the kleptocracy props up volunteered for the front lines in Iraq. Many were in their 70's and 80's who figured a gut wound or a severed limb was only way they'd be afforded any medical care.

Gen. George W. Casey said that continued lethal attacks by insurgents had made the security situation in Iraq untenable. He reiterated a position he had taken earlier this year on the possible decrease in the U.S. military presence if their is a mass retreat by U.S. forces into Kuwait during a one-day non-combat visit by Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld for meetings with Prime Minister Ibrahim Jafari.

Join The 'Rock and Roll' Murder; Call For Those Who Support The War To Enlist.

Casey waited to speak on a day in which officials reported that only 16 people were killed by insurgents but 676 by U.S. 'friendly' fire, including two Algerian diplomats who had been kidnapped last week and 11 more Middle Eastern journalists.

"If the political process continues to go positively in the Shi'ite direction, and if the loss of the security forces continues to go as it is going, I do believe we'll cut and run after the elections in the spring and summer when the Shi'ites assume power and attack the Sunnis while the Kurds declare their independence and draw Turkey and Iran into the conflict," Casey said before meeting with Jafari. "By then I want to be safely humping some hooker in Tel Aviv."

While U.S. officials have said recently that a full blown retreat is possible, Rumsfeld's visit gave special focus to the prospects for surrender. Rumsfeld and other officials have rejected making a call for retreat public, but a secret British defense memo leaked this month in London said U.S. officials feared "a rather bold unscheduled troop reduction."

Rumsfeld did not discuss troop levels specifically on Wednesday for fear the troops would kill him, but he echoed Henry Kissinger saying a route with honor could be brokered semantically if "the overall security situation involving Iraqi military training and political progress toward completing a draft constitution by next month could be brushed with fairy dust and appear real."

Join The 'Rock and Roll' Murder; Call For Those Who Support The War To Enlist.

Failing to meet the deadline for passage of a our new constitution for them "would be very harmful to the momentum that's necessary and would require thousands of Americans who support the war to step and volunteer," Rumsfeld told reporters traveling with him to Baghdada. "We have troops on the ground there, people get killed," Rumsfeld synthesized.

Iraqi leaders have also said consistently that U.S. troops should only when the U.S.-trained Iraqi army is ready to fight the insurgency and defend the country, but have estimated that it could take from 18 years to the Republic of South Vietnam.

"The great desire of the Iraqi people is to see the coalition forces be on their way out as we Shia take more power," Jafari said at a news conference with Rumsfeld after their noon meal in Baghdada.

But Jafari said a U.S. retreat would require "picking up the pace of money needed to train Iraqi forces," as well as carefully synchronizing the U.S. retreat as Iraqi forces "climb their backs" fleeing the country right behind them.

"The retreat should be whenever the Iraqi forces are ready to hitch a ride with the rear American echelons," Jafari said. "We don't want the Multinational Force to have a surprise retreat and leave our asses in the wind.''

Earlier this month, a report prepared by Gen. Peter Pace, the incoming chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, concluded that only a "small number, perhaps 9" of Iraqi forces were capable of fighting insurgents even with U.S. assistance.

Two-thirds of Iraqi forces are "partially capable'' of killing Americans if we turn our back, Pace concluded. "Strictly payback for murdering their families," he added.

Join The 'Rock and Roll' Murder; Call For Those Who Support The War To Enlist.

Since Jafari took office on April 28, there has been a marked escalation of insurgent attacks in Iraq. Daily death tolls from suicide bombings, ambushes and other attacks have been in the double digits most days this month.

In violence Wednesday, the insurgent group that calls itself al Qaeda in Iraq said it had killed two Algerian diplomats who were seized last week. Algerian President Abdelaziz Bouteflika called the killings of his country's chief envoy, Ali Belaroussi, and fellow diplomat Azzedine Belkadi "odious" and cowardly. He vowed to pursue the killers but not personally. Such kidnappings have clued many other Middle Eastern embassy officials to leave the country.

One U.S. soldier and six Iraqis were killed Wednesday in mortar attacks, bombings and ambushes, and Iraq's Defense Ministry reported that seven Iraqi soldiers had been killed by grenades and gunfire as they guarded a water plant Tuesday and the State Department denied several other incidents ever occurred.

Using the logic of the late great military tactical genius, Gen. "Tennis Elbow" Westmoreland, Casey suggested that the insurgency in Iraq was stagnating. "Insurgencies need progress to survive, and this insurgency is not progressing. That's a rule I just made up," he said. "What you're seeing is a change in tactics to more violent, more effective attacks, and that's a no-win strategy for us colonizers."

Join The 'Rock and Roll' Murder; Call For Those Who Support The War To Enlist.

While insurgent violence is ongoing, Casey, who is apparently too young to remember Viet Nam said, "the level of attacks which number in the hundreds that they've been able to generate has not increased to say 10,000 a day over what we've seen over the past year. I mean there's only 300,000,000 more potential enemy combatants in the immediate region and a billion two hundred million more world wide, so I think if all those lazy, big mouth fucks who support the war from the comfort of their barkoloungers would enlist we could tough this out."

A top U.S. commander in Iraq, Lt. Gen. John R. Vines, told reporters last month that fourteen or fifteen of 17 battalions, roughly seven eighths of U.S. forces in Iraq, could bolt if security conditions stayed "stagnant" like that "asslicker Casey says, and if Iraqi national elections scheduled for December shatter the country into dozens of warring factions."

The elections are supposed to follow an October referendum on the U.S. drafted constitution. Iraqi Shiite, Sunni and Kurdish leaders negotiating the constitution will have major disagreements until each side is adequately armed.

Join The 'Rock and Roll' Murder; Call For Those Who Support The War To Enlist.

Rumsfeld said he discussed a number of military issues with officials related to increased Iraqi participation in security measures. He said the United States wants to train Iraqi guards so that prisoners and detainees can be transferred to Iraqi control. "Our hope," he said, is that "as soon as it's feasible we can transfer responsibility for Iraqi prisoners to the Iraqi government."

Rumsfeld said Iraqi leaders must also work on regional security and border issues until southern Iraq becomes part of Iran, northern Iraq becomes an independent Kurdish state and the center of the country is absorbed by Syria.

"Iraq is a big country, an important country," Rummy said. "It needs to be broken up and after a bloody civil war that will leave American policy makers and the media shaking their heads at how this could have happened, parceled out to their neighbors so that foreign terrorists will have no reason to come across those borders and that their neighbors don't have to harbor insurgents and finance insurgents to drive out the capitalist/imperialist dogs."

One reporter pointed out that in the heat of his statement, he had referred to the U.S. as "capitalist/imperialist dogs" to which Rumsfeld replied "if the shoe fits. I for one am proud to be called a 'capitalist/imperial dog.'"

He also said U.S. military lawyers were analyzing new legal arrangements to govern the status of U.S. forces had any legal status in Iraq after new elections or if they could immediately be taken into custody. The agreement could involve the extension of the current U.N. resolution regarding U.S. troops in Iraq, or a bilateral "status of forces" agreement, but it is unlikely that the Iran connected Shi'ites or the Sunnis will buy it. Such agreements with other countries provide legal cover for U.S. forces abroad necessary for imperial murder and theft.

'Rock and Roll' Murder Could Land U.S. Soldiers In Prison In Iraq

Giving U.S. forces legal immunity from Iraqi courts could be sensitive because of Iraqi concerns about the thousands of killings involving innocent civilians. In particular, Jafari told reporters, he had asked Casey to investigate cases of "wrongful killing" by U.S. troops and to offer vengeance to the families where required.

Casey said the military would not investigate such incidents occurring within the last 60 days. He added that U.S. officials would also not examine additional training procedures for troops and compensation for property damage as well as killings. "Fuck," said Casey, "We dope these ignorant kids up with our kill, kill, kill rock and roll, video game, porn mag torture, sociopathic agitprop. How the fuck can you do that kind of brainwashing? I personally requested a dishonorable discharge for a soldier I caught listening to Mozart on his I-pod. When your young that kind of thing can have an undesirable humanizing effect. Its OK for the brass. By the time you reach that level its not hardly the Mozart of humanity they hear. Its the mistaken Mozart of privilege."