The Assassinated Press

Public Relations Sensation, Pussy Riot Girls, Busted in New York for Defiling Cathedral
District Attorney for Greater New York Seeks the Death Penalty

The Assassinated Press

NY CITY --- The latest public relations sensation to sweep America by storm was arrested tonight for dancing on the altar at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and defiling church property.

During an evening requiem service, the vivacious young no talents known as Pussy Riot rushed the stage and began to perform their Ukrainian hit, ‘Don’t Come on My Face While I’m Nursing My Cats’.

As she was being dragged off the stage by two altar boys and a few of New York’s finest, Pussy Riot participant, Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, cried out, “Why are you arresting us for singing? You heard us. We cannot sing.”

The Riot claim they were just trying to demonstrate the difference between the US and Russia when it come to religious tolerance. They soon discovered there is none though Russia may be slightly more progressive.

They face charges that could land them in an American prison for 20 years to life. Charges include criminal trespass, destruction of religious objects, resisting arrest, assault, assault with intent, mock fornication, faux sexuality and for feloniously and fraudulently masquerading as musicians.

Known for gaining enormous notoriety by pulling off public relations stunts in their homeland, Russia, they signed on with Edward Bernays and Associates here in the states last March.

Since then they have been on a whirl wind tour of American prisons which has served to depress and disillusion them about the US which has far more prisoners per capita than Russia.

Their lawyer Walter Lippmann said in defense of his clients, “It’s not illegal in this country to impersonate a musician. It may be immoral and unethical, but not illegal. For fucking Christ sake. Look at the Grammies. Adolescent love song after adolescent love song. Neotony run rampant. Puppy shit masquerading as music. And I don’t see any indictments coming down on those fops unless they get caught with a bag of dope or fucking a9 year old and even then. Whether making sounds like geese ralphing into a cacophony of pig farts is a sin against nature is another matter. I will say Yoko Ono sold 51 units of her recording of barnyard noises after draining all the clever dry humor from John Lennon and turning him into a sentimental pansy.”

But the charges against Pussy Riot go far beyond their inability to make music. They are accused of destruction of property. Specifically, former bus driver and bar tender and now the Archbishop of New York, Tim ‘Tambourine Man’ Dolan’s, claim that Pussy Riot fornicated with the monstrance with the body of Christ still inside.

Pussy Riot girl, Maria Alyokhina, claimed she just had a vicious itch from a recent STD acquired from Amnesty International staffers.

New York mayor Bill De Blasio when asked for comment said, “What the fuck did they think would happen? Lucky they didn’t try that shit in Alabama. Or at the Park East Synagogue. They would have been lynched or stoned to death respectively.”