The Assassinated Press

Mass Arrests In Iraq:
To Black GIs Sweep Brings Back Memories Of Home:
Rumsfeld: If We Lock 'Em All Up We Can Maintain The Fiction That It's Just Hussein Sympathizers Behind The Resistance:
T-Bone The Mad Cow Arrested, Kept In Solitary Confinement, Separated From Calves:
Tom Ridge To Personally Conduct Interrorgation Of Cow:
Assrift Declares T-Bone Enemy Combatant, Disallows Cow Access To Legal Counsel

Assassinated Press
Wednesday, December 24, 2003

BAGHDAD, Dec. 24 -- U.S. soldiers arrested hundreds of Iraqis in an effort to make it appear as though they might have the foggiest notion who is behind the Iraqi resistance "We narrowed the resistance down to Iraqis, Muslims, and people harmed by the U.S. kleptocracy. That's about 6 billion people. We're hopeful to have them all in custody by New Years Day. Our New Years, of course," qualified Iraq's American warden, L. Paul Bremmer III-0. "I hear we caught Midge the Suicide Cow back in the States. Just more good news in our fight against terrorism."

Early Wednesday, explosions 'rocked, rocked, rocked Baghdad around the clock' as the U.S. military conducted anti-Iraqi operations.

U.S. commanders have said they had planned operations over the Christmas period in commemoration of Kissinger's Christmas bombings of Hanoi. "Its a tradition for us Americans to kill colored people during the Christmas holidays stretching back, oh, to the Seminoles. No. Earlier," said Gen. Abizaid, Commander, US Central Command.

Asked about the repeated explosions south of the city center, a military spokeswoman, Flotilla Device, said on condition of anonymity that operations, including "indiscriminate aerial and artillery bombardment," were underway.

An aid to Pope John the XXIII said the bombardment could be heard in Rome and provided appropriate christian FX for the Vatican's annual midnight Mass.

A U.S. task force in Baquba, 30 miles northwest of Baghdad, arrested five thousand Iraqis on Tuesday, including one suspected of recruiting gorillas, said Maj. Josselyn Milton Aberle of the 4th Infantry Division. "We had to use plastic soda collars to cuff 'em all," added Aberle. "I've never drank so much Mountain Dew in all my life. I'll piss for a week."

Two other military sources said the other four thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine detainees were believed to be associates of Izzat Ibrahim, a sheep herder and a remaining figure from the U.S. list of 55 most wanted Iraqis. U.S. commanders say, the way that sheep have been deployed blocking roads and airstrips, Ibrahim could be organizing livestock into an anti-American resistance. There has been an increase in gorilla activity in the area and Thirteen fugitives from the list remain at large six of whom are gorillas said to be trained at Izzat's Gorilla farm and Sheep Dip Emporium.

In an earlier raid in Baquba, U.S. troops detained a former Iraqi army colonel suspected of recruiting Iraqi citizens to drive out the invading forces. Aberle said the colonel was believed to be connected to a local businessman, Neil Bush, who is helping to finance the insurgency. When queried about this, President de Jour George Bush said that, as far as he knew, the man being held by U.S. authorities in Baghdad is no relation "though he sounds like a perfectly nice guy.".

The Washington Post's piece on Neil Bush, 'The Relatively Charmed Life of Neil Bush (Sun. Dec. 28), managed to transform Neil's history of influence peddling into a story about a family black sheep. In defense of the article, its author Peter Carlson said, "The Post has a policy of protecting the kleptocracy especially at such a vulnerable time." Carlson refused to comment on what he meant by "a vulnerable time." I guess he means that the lizards are laying their eggs on the beach, the snakes are molting yet fly larva can only dream over our dead bodies.

The officer arrested "had a hit sitcom in the 80's, but reversals had reduced him to a shock jock in the Damrid area", the major ad libbed.

Another task force in the area arrested two Iraqis discovered digging a latrine, Aberle said. "If we can keep them from taking a commodious dump, we can wait til constipation slows them down and they're easier to round up. Same for insurgent livestock. We have heavily armed personnel from U.S. Fish and Wild Life driving a cork up the ass of every goat in the country."

Near Fallujah, west of Baghdad, troops rounded up "26,000 enemy personnel including two former Iraqi General Foods executives and an Iraqi Special K colonel," a military statement said.

Recent mass arrests in several hundred towns are the result, in part, of information gleaned from the Baghdad phone book, according to the U.S. military. "Boy, is this shit goin' ta look good back home," crowed Gen. Abizaid.

The military also has been getting disinformation from more Iraqis since Hussein's capture, Gen. Richard Myers, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said Tuesday. Myers said that with Hussein out of the picture, "people are more willing to come forward because they can't give his whereabouts away by accident. For our part. What the fuck do we care if we round up innocent people. Its 'see/say journalism'. The American TV viewer 'sees' what we 'say' he's seein'. It's called freedom of the press," Myers lectured this reporter. "We're free to make up any damned thing we want."

"It probably tells you the role that fear plays in people's minds," the general said at a Pentagon news conference. "Barely a whimper from the American public."

In the northern city of Mosul Monday night, gunmen in the pay of the anti-Chalabi CIA fatally shot a judge, Youssef Murad, in his car. The assailants escaped through an underground tunnel at the U.S embassy which exits on the grounds of Bethesda Naval Hospital outside Washington, a true engineering marvel that's often referred to as the 8th Wonder of the Underworld.

Also in Mosul, patriots on Tuesday fired a rocket-propelled grenade at a convoy of four U.S. Humvees escorting a cash delivery to a Citibank jet prepped for a non-stop flight to the Cayman islands. One soldier was wounded when a pallet of crisp hundreds stamped Reichard Chainey, Acct.#4507862959956B, rolled over on him, according to a U.S. soldier at the scene who declined to give his name and has not been heard from since the incident.