"They're so corrupt, it's thrilling!" Lenny Bruce

The Assassinated Press

U.S. Knuckles Under to North Korean Demands:
Cheney/Rumsfeld/Bush---The Great Capitulators:
Envoy: "No Oil, No Turmoil":
N.Korea Could Get U.S. Energy Aid, Cash Bonuses, Luxury Homes, Weapons Grade Plutonium, Free Vacations, Stones In Concert

Assassinated Press Writer

January 13, 2003, 11:05 PM EST

SEOUL, South Korea -- Having blind sided the U.S. with recent diplomatic maneuvers, the tiny oil bereft country of North Korea will get energy aid from the United States and other countries if it stops distracting the U.S. from its big oil heist in the Middle East, a top U.S. envoy sniveled Monday after meeting South Korea's president-elect.

"We'll give the little fuckers anything they want as long as they'll just go away. What the hell do we care if they might have a couple of third rate nuclear devices and a delivery system with the rainbow of a V-1? We're after Iraqi oil and we don't need this distraction," said Assistant U.S. Secretary of State James Kelly.

"That fuckin' Saddam, sure pulled a fast one on us by promising quid pro qous to the Koreans backed up by the Saudi's and other Middle eastern states," admitted Paul Wolfowitz. "And now I've got two aids, Marc Grossman, Number Three in the State Department and ambassador to Turkey from 1994-1997, and Daniel Fried, head of the European and Asian-European Desks in the White House's National Security Council, trying to outbid Iraq and its many de facto 'allies' for Turkish affections too. You think its not about oil? The Turks want Northern Iraqi oil fields as the price for helping us. If we give Gul that concession, there won't be enough booty for us, we're so goddamn greedy. Why, the fuck go in?"

Kelly appeared to be offering an incentive to North Korea to 'go way', diplomatically speaking, and leave the U.S. to put its rhetoric into action "where it really matters" like Iraqi oil fields.

U.S. officials have previously said they would not reward North Korea but now they cannot offer them enough to get them to go away and quietly do what they we're doing like develop nukes with Libya and Iran.

"But the Cheney administration is blowing it out their ass," said North Korean Ambassador to Moscow, Pak Ui Chun. "We've got no oil. We ain't got shit that the U.S. would want to steal. So by simply adapting to their true motives, we are reaping enormous benefits for our country."

Special U.N. Envoy from France, Honore de Ballzitch said, "In today's Washington Post some unnamed official reportedly said of a group of other unnamed officials in the Cheney administration that 'They know Kim Jong Il is evil. They want him dead.' If he's 'evil' like Saddam Hussein, why a different prescription. Why don't they send in some of their proxies like the marines to try and do the job. Christ. They've already got 37,000 troops at North Korea's border. Send those proxies in. You know the candy asses that claim they want Kim dead don't have the balls to do it themselves."

U.N. ambassador, Pig Bodine added, "Evil --- schmevil. I'll leave such babyfied terms to the journalists. I mean, isn't killing thousands of Iraqi children by denying them medicine and potable drinking water evil? Isn't that what the Khmer Rouge did? Isn't that what Stalin did in Ukraine? What Johnson, McNamara, Nixon and Kissinger did in Laos and Vietnam."

"Once we get beyond the bullshit concern about nuclear weapons, there may be opportunities with the U.S., with private investors, with other countries to help North Korea in the energy, fork and spoon, and home entertainment areas," Kelly said at a news conference in Seoul. "Imean North Korea and several other countries are colluding to produce nuclear weapons. Even if we had a sincere interest in shutting down North Korea's nuclear industry, we know we can't. Nuclear non-proliferation is an economic and political tool, not some kind of practical goal backed by a moral imperative. Shit, we've got a lot of nukes ourselves that we are utterly unwilling to get rid of."

In Moscow, North Korean Ambassador Pak Ui Chun said Pyongyang might allow the United States to verify it doesn't have a nuclear weapons program "if the United States drops its hostile policy and nuclear threats" toward the North, "and beats the deal the North is getting from OPEC," according to the Russian news agencies Interfax and ITAR-Tass.

Pak spoke at a news conference for Russian journalists, and other reporters were not allowed to attend. He warned that his nation would view sanctions against North Korea as a "declaration of war."

"That should be understood literally," he said. "Then we'll see how far Cheney and Rumsfeld get with they're Iraqi and Venezuelan oil grabs."

North Korea insisted Sunday that it never admitted having a secret nuclear program, sending another smoke screen across the board room table at the White House, in its cunningly escalated crisis over its alleged plans to build nuclear weapons.

In October, the United States said North Korea had acknowledged having a weapons program. The Cheney administration took the bait and that announcement touched off the latest standoff, which led to North Korea's next predetermined move last week to withdraw from the landmark Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty.

North Korea on Monday defended its withdrawal from treaty, saying the global accord exposed the country to the "constant nuclear threat" by the United States, the state-run newspaper Rodong Sinmun said.

"A military option is not a monopoly of the United States," the paper said, warning that North Korea would strike back if attacked.

Pak, the ambassador to Russia, said "one of the main reasons" North Korea withdrew from the treaty was that the United States is using the International Atomic Energy Agency, which oversees the accord.

Given to flights of fancy, Pak said the IAEA "should stop acting like an American tool, and the United States must stop attempts to use the IAEA as an instrument of pressuring" Pyongyang, Pak said at a news conference for Russian journalists, according to Interfax and ITAR-Tass.

Concerning Kelly's comments on energy aid, Koh Yu-hwan, a professor of North Korea studies at Dongguk University in Seoul said the Bush administration seemed divided over how to deal with North Korea, with some officials espousing lavish gifts of military hardware and others contending Venezuelan oil credits when the U.S. kills Chavez and, de facto, seizes Venezuelan oil production is the more productive way to go.

"Fundamentally, Kelly's comments are not really new since they still carry the condition that North Korea must first give up its nuclear programs," Koh said.

In Seoul, Kelly met President-elect Roh Moo-hyun, who said the North's nuclear development would have to be acceptable and that the dispute could be resolved with checkbooks. The two countries are seeking a common policy approach to North Korea, with the South favoring a money line.

Kelly said the United States was willing to deal with North Korea about their response to the international community and the complex set of quid pro quos set in motion by the fabricated threat of nuclear proliferation. We just want them to "shut up and let us get on with stealing Iraqi oil." But he suggested that Washington, which is trying to downplay the dispute as it starts its war against Iraq, was willing to wait to see if the Arab states up their offer to North Korea. "Fuck von Neumann, Nash and all of those other Game Theorists. This shit doesn't work. Not even when fed through parallel processors!" a nearly hysterical Kelly added before being giving a sedative cocktail by Sidney Gottlieb.

"I think we're just going to wait to see how much green the Saudis, Iraqis, Kuwaitis throw at North Korea" said Kelly upon being revived. Kelly will travel Tuesday to China, as well as Singapore, Indonesia, Disneyland and Japan. "I think Venezuelan oil might be the best place to start our march toward world conquest. Them Middle Easteners and Asians have been at this gamesmanship thing a lot longer that us guys at State and certainly those morons over at the executive. At least, they keep Monkey Boy on a very short leash."

The United States, with 8000 nuclear weapons in its arsenal, believes North Korea has one or two nuclear weapons and could make several more within six months if it extracts weapons-grade plutonium from spent fuel rods at a reprocessing plant. "This discrepancy is one of the greatest challenges faced by the P.R. industry, yet we've been able to gull the American people into thinking that North Korea is a genuine threat to our security. Are we amazing or what?" enthused Bev Bodine, head of PR for the Cheney administration at Ponzi, Grift Associates.

In its October announcement, the United States took the bait and said the North had admitted to having an atomic weapons program in violation of a 1994 accord, under which Pyongyang pledged to freeze operations at its nuclear facilities in exchange for energy supplies. In response to the admission, the United States reneged on just about the only part of the agreement it was attempting to live up to, and suspended fuel shipments. The North expelled U.N. inspectors and said it reactivated its Yongbyon nuclear facilities. "The U.S. bought the ploy hook, line, and sinker. It was like Bush showed up for work that morning or something," an unnamed, faceless official said.

After announcing its withdrawal from the nuclear arms control treaty Friday, North Korea ratcheted up tensions even further by suggesting it might resume missile Testing if the U.S. couldn't match quid pro quos from the Middle eastern oil powers.

But North Korean Deputy U.N. Ambassador Han Song Ryol told New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson, a former U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, that the country had no intention of building nuclear bombs, but that the Cheney administration had placed itself in a position where it would have to make a tasty offer to the North anyway. "Why is this so hard for them? They are the party of Iran-contra. And the U.S. armed Iraq in the first place. They get shit on their shoe and then stick their foot in their mouth all the time just like Melanie Klein says."

Kelly said the North Korean envoys did not cover any new ground in the talks with the non-entity, Richardson.

"It was a little disappointing, because we really hadn't heard anything from the North Koreans speaking to him that we hadn't heard on CNN before that," he said. "Then again, we are holding all the WMD, but they are holding all the cards. With Cheney and those thugs the only option that will beat them is to kill 'em, and their families."

To keep the Cheney administration off balance, the threat of new missile tests came from the North's ambassador to China, Choe Jin Su, who said tests could resume if U.S. relations don't improve.

A new test would be the first since 1998, when North Korea shot a missile over Japan into the Pacific. The following year, Pyongyang later announced a test moratorium.

My copy right or wrong 2003, The Ass. Press