The Assassinated Press

Duck Dynasty family warns Phil if he queers their millions in endorsement deals he better watch his back when they go duck hunting.
Brother Si says “I fragged my share of West Point shave tails during the time I was hallucinating I was in Nam. One more bandy legged Louisiana frat boy ain’t gonna make no difference to me.”

The Assassinated Press

Phil Robertson has been put on notice by the other Robertsons. After granddaughter Sadie lost her prom gown deal with Victoria’s Secret, her mother Korie threatened to cut Phil’s dick off and nail it to a cross.

Phil’s wife Kay reportedly said, “Go right ahead. He hasn’t used that inch worm in 40 years and I was tired of all the phony sexual innuendo in the script anyfuckin’way. I’ll help. I’ll hold the little maggot out with the tweezers.”

Phil’s trani girlfriend down at the Starlight Lounge disputed Kay’s characterization of Phil’s country cack calling it ‘of modest proportions but finger lickin’ good’.

Will Robertson, who has been secretly separated from wife Korie for two years, worries that losing key endorsements mean he will not be able to pay off millions in gambling debts and back taxes.

“That Phil better keep his fuckin’ mouth shut” Willie told this reporter. “He may play my father on the TV and we may play touch football for the cameras like the Kennedys. If he wants to wind up like a Kennedy let him keep running his mouth.”

“No, no. See here. I’ll do the honors,” Si Robertson, Phil’s addled brother who imagines he was in Vietnam after going insane after eating barnyard feces on the Manson commune in the sixties. “I’ll shoot the cocksucker just on principle. Or so you’ll be my natural foods cookbook, ‘Eating Your Way to a Cleaner Hog Pen’. Or because he once said I cross my legs like a girl.”

The producers of the show have gone so far as to write a shooting into the show but unless some last minute gun play ensues, the new episodes which air in January cannot be re-edited.

“By then the controversy will be over and the surviving family members will no doubt be making more money than ever before and isn’t that what all of this hypocrisy is about.”