The Assassinated Press

Plot to Frame Wikileaks Founder Backfires.
Enlistments in US Plummet as Young Guidos Discover Assange Is Not a Faggot.

The Assassinated Press & Fly on the Wall Media

FORT BRONX, NY.---“Fuck. I thought the dude was a homo,” said Gino Prufetorri of Fort Dredge, NJ. “But now he turns out to be real ‘guido.’ I changed my mind about enlisting. I’m gonna join War Resistors International instead and get me some gorgeous socialist pussy.”

Drugs, Sex and Rock’n’Roll Matt Heidenberg had a slightly different take on the Assange frame up. “My pop was a steel worker in New York in the sixties. He’s got pictures of him and his buddies wailing on anti-Vietnam War demonstrators. But he’s got no pictures of hangin out and enjoying female company whereas everythfuckingthing I’ve ever heard or seen about the anti-War movement, there was wall to wall women. Fuck the military and fuck my dad. Makes you wonder who the real butt monkeys are. Assange is getting laid. But to spend your days framing somebody like that probably means you’re not. And that goes for the media too.”

“Shit. I was a skin head just two days from joining up with my kind of peeps, the Marines,” said Billy Pogrom from Fort Washabee, WI. But then I heard this guy Assange fucked women and thought back. I’d been to a hundred skinhead rallies and there was barely a woman on the horizon. And the two that showed up were tattoo smeared meth addicts with running sores on their mouths and puds. I always knew what Assange was doing was right but I was trained form birth to do what runs diametrically opposed to my own self-interest and to absolutely not do anything to help anyone else. So’s when the US broadcast to the world that Assange liked pussy, I figured I’d fucking do something for myself for a change as well as help out everybody else by not killing them and tell Uncle Slimey to go fuck himself.”

Unanticipated Consequences

Enlistments have fallen 60% since the US publicly demonstrated that Assange is hetero, perhaps the biggest blunder so far for the Obama administration and Leon Panetta's CIA.

Dumb Is the New Smart

“Personally, I like banging jelly donuts,” Panetta told the Assassinated Press. “What do I know from artificially flavored whipped high fructose syrup?”

“I thought this guy, Assange was a faggot so I was glad when Obama framed him,” said Sgt. Pat Greene of Fort Loopalot, NE. “But I ain’t gonna re-up now. Fuck no. I’m gonna go work for Wikileaks and fuck me some of them Swedish broads. Obama can try to frame my ass all he likes but I’m tired of banging fifty dollar pussy on military pay. Fuck that.”