The Assassinated Press

Guatemala “Optimistic” U.S. Threats Will Land Them On The UN Security Council:
“A Vote For Venezuela Is A Vote For Suicide,” Bolton Tells Non-Aligned:
“Sure. Chavez Can Build Health Clinics And Schools All Over My Goddamn Country, But The U.S. Can Simply Bomb Them Out Of Existence,” Offers U.N. Ambassador Who Refused To Give His Name, Fearing U.S. Retaliation:

The Assassinated Press

Because of U.S. threats reminiscent of U.S. support for genocide in Guatemala, that country is optimistic about becoming a United Nations Security Council non permanent member when one of the seats in representation of Latinamerica is to be voted this Monday.

“We feel serenely optimistic, I think most countries have perfectly understood what our candidacy means and are capable of assessing the consequences of not voting for us”, said Guatemala’s vice president Eduardo Stein.

Guatemala, shilling for the U.S., and Venezuela have been deeply involved for months in the dispute to obtain the necessary 128 UN votes (two thirds of the General Assembly) to ensure the seat in the Security Council which Argentina vacates next December.

“At some moment Venezuelan officials wanted to show us as puppets of United States, which is very funny. Why make the effort. Every fucker here at the U.N. or anyone who knows a little bit about history knows we’re the U.S.’s puppets and have been for a very long time. Jesus Christ! We murdered hundreds of thousands of our indigenous people to keep the fuckin’ price of bananas and coffee down for the fuckin’ U.S. corporations. Of course, we’re their puppet. We’ve been their fuckin’ puppet since the Spanish left. Why even bring it up? Christ, the goddamn U.S. government started this latest very non-Mayan cycle of fuckin’ abject misery and murder back in 1954 with the overthrow of elected government of Jacobo Arbenz and earlier with the embargo of Juan Arevalo by another of your brain dead chief executives, Harry Ass Truman. Guatemala is unviable as a country. It doesn’t exist. It’s a fuckin’ wholly owned subsidiary of the fuckin’ U.S. While Jimmy Burns was blowin’ it out his ass about Communists in the Arbenz government, the Dulles brothers and Meyer Lansky were striking drug, gambling and prostitution deals with Batista in Cuba. Those thugs knew how the game was played. Not this Chavez. Nobody must confound our trade links with the United States with a policy of servitude as Caracas claims. There’s no policy. We lick Uncle Sam’s crack and that’s that”, underlined Mr. Stein. “The American whores in the media and entertainment brothels have taken to calling Hugo Chavez a thug. They should look to themselves. They call him a clown. They should hear how buffoonish they sound to people on the killing floor in central and South America or just rerun their own blooper tapes of Ronnie or George or Harry. I think I’ve had too much to drink. What's in that fuckin punch? Sodium pentathol?”

He added that Guatemala has sufficient merits and achievements to be in the Security Council. “We have the experience of having aided the U.S. in its 36 year genocide which on paper concluded in 1996 but still goes on unabated when any of our people attempt to thwart the economic will of the gringo. In this way Guatemala makes the perfect U.N. Security Council member because we demonstrate what kind of murder and rapine the U.S. can visit upon you if you fuck with their corporate money.”

“We feel United Nations must be weakened, we need a Security Council that effectively helps the U.S. maintain world hegemony, and we are committed to consensus building with all who see it the U.S.’s way. We are interested in promoting new frictions & misunderstandings, only if someone gets out of line and the U.S. tells us to lean on them. Thanks. The coffee helped. I see Bolton is putting his garrote away. ”

The vote is scheduled for Monday in the United Nations building of New York, but according to vice president Stein several rounds could take place before the U.S. gets around to threatening everyone it has on its long list and the final decision to give Guatemala the seat is reached.

“Several countries will abstain in the first round of voting to see the whole picture, how much retaliation they can expect from the U.S., and only then they will decide”, said Stein.

Germany because of its colorful past not unlike Guatemala’s, Mexico because it still has 200,000 refugees from the U.S.’s bloody genocide in Guatemala living along its border with that country, Colombia because the CIA/Colombian drug cartel is such an institutional brotherhood and Central America devastated and controlled by a broad policy of U.S. intervention and murder most recently in the 1980’s have anticipated their public support for Guatemala, while Chile recipient of a bloody intervention by U.S. interests in the 1970’s, Ecuador and Peru that also have felt the boot of the U.S., have not decided yet.

Meantime form Caracas President Hugo Chavez claimed that “United States has activated a dirty tricks campaign” to prevent Venezuela from obtaining the non permanent seat in the UN Security Council.

“At this very moment the US has activated a full dirty tricks campaign against Venezuela. Our ambassador Arias Cardenas has told me it has become a vote by vote, hand to hand combat”, said Chavez during a political rally.

“US delegates are on the watch out in the UN corridors and if Arias speaks to a representative, five US officials will then beat the shit out of him,” revealed Chavez.

“Oh shit. Chavez is just playing nice. Bolton surrounded by six starkers from DynCorp fresh out of Leavenworth told me he’d kill my family and bomb my country back into the stone age if we didn’t support the Monkey and the Guatemalan White Hand in their glorious, totally independent bid for a seat on the Security Council,” said an unnamed diplomat.

Bolton told the Assassinated Press, “We’ve fuckin’ slightly amended the policy of my favorite imperialist, Teddy Roosevelt. We talk loudly and carry a big stick between the crack in our ass.”

Venezuela alleges to have the support of Mercosur, the Caribbean Community; Arab League; African Union, Russia and China but that could evaporate as U.S. threats grow.