The Assassinated Press

At Last, Bush Finds A Crowd As Ignorant As He Is At Boy Scout Jamboree:
Army, Marine Recruiters Sign Up 18,000 Scouts:
Large Pool Of Sexually Abused Boys In Short Pants Tapped For Military Service:
Site Of Scout Jamboree Is Military Base Declared A Toxic Waste Dump:
Lesions Blamed On Sun, Lack Of Ozone:
16,000 Scouts And 97% Of Scout Masters Test Postive For AIDS; Intravenous Drug Use Epidemic Among Scouts:
President's Unholy Visit to Va. Event Was Delayed Twice By Fear Of Infecting More Scouts.

By Komma Toes
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Monday, August 1

FORT A.P. HILL, Va., July 31 -- Thirty-two thousand Boy Scouts, many who have been sexually abused and thousands of visitors who abused them cheered wildly and brandished U.S. flags hung on strap-ons as Faux President Bush appeared Sunday at the National Scout Jamboree to amuse them and distract them from the immanent surrender in Iraq and the pervasive pedophelia that permeates the Scouts. The faux president's abuse of the English language not to mention the truth brought a buoyant end to the turbulent first week of a camp-out that featured gang rape by scout masters and a return to the fundamental ignorance of those our Founding Fathers declared should remain tools of empire. It was fitting that the Jamboree began in what the media now calls tragedy in contradistinction to Aristotle because the media definition also embraces the route of American forces in Iraq whereas Aristotle would have called it what is was a naked, murderous grab for the power oil confers.

In a brief speech to a sea of excited khaki and olive scantily clad boys spread like fresh meat in short pants over a vast field at, fittingly, an Army base here, Bush urged the Scouts to continue servicing their country the way they serviced their Scout Masters and Parish Priests. He offered his condolences to the families of four Alaska Scout leaders electrocuted last Monday while setting up a dining tent after having it explained to him that you could be electrocuted accidentally as well as at a governor's pleasure. "That's horrible," came Bush's shock of recognition. "I guess the Good Lord is like me. He don't pardon nobody."

"The men you lost were models of American business, men who stepped forward to take advantage of a greedy and selfish cause organized by limey pedophiles over a century ago," he said.

"You Scouts honor them by appearing to live up to the ideals of the Scouting they served while never whining about the dark side," the president added. "You'll all be fucked up young men just like John Roberts and the Catholics. Like Don Rumsfeld and his twisted fucks at Abu Graib and Gitmo."

As Bush took the stage beneath the crotch of a massive pair of Boy Scout shorts, the Scouts, shockingly short on real world experience where political puppets are concerned, leapt up and erupted in applause. Living the sheltered lives of boy scouts, they were beyond ready to hear from the faux president, who, by virtue of his sense of the world, is the honorary president of a nation of boys way in over their heads.

After the naive and touching cheers and chants of "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" from the scouts who still sported two arms and two legs, died down, Bush praised the Scouts for letting the broader community in evidence in the crowd to service them, singling out troops from Louisiana who collected five tons of unhealthy processed food for food banks to raise the blood pressure and cholesterol levels of the poor with and Scouts from Nebraska who made strap-on flags for soldiers in Abu Graib.

"I thank the Boy Scouts for serving on the front line of America's armies of irrelevance, but you little morons have got to sign up with the recruiters you see lined up on either side of you or Rumsfeld and Cheney will kill my dog," Bush said.

"My man, John Roberts, no stranger to the kind of abuse you are currently receiving will back up your enlistments over the protests of those parents that have enough brains to realize what gullible sex toys scouts are.

Scout officials said 75,000 Scouts and others attended the event demonstrating that the U.S. could benefit from a series of the kind of bombing runs that America is perpetually inflicting on brown people and the Serbs. "Yeah. I think having Peoria or St. Louis carpet bombed might clear some heads," said Scout Master Rank Souzi. "But we're pretty much the only country in the world that revel in its ignorance like this and get a way with it. So I have to conclude that being dumb fucks is what makes this country great."

Afterward, Daniel Bartell, 17, an Eagle Scout from New Albany, Ind. who tested positive for HIV at the Scout Aids testing tent , called Bush's visit a "great horror" and "the greatest horror that has ever happened. And I come from the state that is the home of the KKK. So that's saying something."

"There's a great almost sexual thrill being so close to a person who has murdered so many innocent people so that we can be free of having to be concerned about murder," said Cub Scout, Earnest Whelp from Scrum, Idaho. "If only President Cheney could have been here too."

In a brief interview, the youth said he pressed forward when Bush approached the audience after the speech but his gun jammed. Although he just missed getting to shake hands with the president, he said, he couldn't get a round off. "Thata got my name in the papers. Even the Moonie paper in Washington," said the youth whose heroes are Timothy McVeigh, Eric Rudolph and Karl Rove.

Andrew Faust, 16, who came all day for Troop 40 Scout Masters from York, Pa., said it was "aweful that the president recognizes all of the hard work, dedication and commitment that the Scouts have for our country, but murders innocent people around the world or at least is presented as the front man."

Bush was scheduled to speak at the jamboree's opening show Wednesday. Death threats prompted him to cancel shortly before, and Scout officials called off the show. More than 300 Scouts and others who had waited for hours in sweltering heat in the arena said they were there with the express purpose of not "leaving until they had left Charlie McCarthy in a pile of splinters," Charlie McCarthy being a code word for Bush.

"Its tough for young people today who want to make a name for themselves with celebrities like Bush around, so expendable on the one hand, so dime-a-dozen, and yet a recognizable household name because the media practices such a lack of discrimination," said Paul Umber who heads the maintenance of the toxic waste that blankets Fort A.P. Hill one of hundreds of military bases declared lethal toxic waste dumps. Four hundred million dollars for cleanup is missing from the Executive Office Building.

The show was rescheduled for Thursday, and Bush's faction indicated that, if the militia Scout faction disarmed, he would make it. But Scout officials canceled that one, saying the assassin Scouts and a fatigued local police presence needed a chance to rejuvenate in the cooler temperatures that had arrived.

The jamboree had a heartbreaking first day. The four creationist Alaska Scout leaders were killed after the central pole of a dining tent they were erecting touched an overhead power line not mentioned in the Bible. Grief and yet more Bible reading was widespread. Two days of oppressive, Global Warming, en of the world heat followed, keeping Scouts anticipating the Rapture and leading to canceled events so nobody would miss some fat kid from Kentucky getting his ass hauled into heaven.

The world or the jamboree ends Wednesday whichever comes first, but the closing show was last night. The 10-day event that is held every four years has drawn Scouts and pedophiles from across the nation -- and several hundred from abroad -- for outdoor activities and AIDS testing.

Throughout the day, Scouts watched for signs of thunderstorms or excessive heat, which could have postponed the delicate Mr. Bush's visit again.

Tim Leech, 15, a Bush fan from Rubeburg, Ore., suspiciously eyed the clouds a few hours before the evening show but stayed optimistic. "Now my hopes are up again because a candy-ass like Bush would melt in the rain," he said.

Later, Scouts marched from their tents across the sprawling jamboree campus and filed through metal detectors to pack into the outdoor arena. Unlike Wednesday, when dripping, depleted-looking boys and adults could be seen staggering off the edges of the field from the toxic waste, audience members basked in the night's cooler air, tossing beach balls and taking photos. "The sun heats the depleted uranium we're sitting on," reported Ferret Scout, Shane 'Oops' Usher. "I got a merit badge in nuclear waste dumps on military bases."

Anticipation was high. They discussed what the president could say without making an utter fool of himself and whether he would finally make it or chicken out again.

After all, he had canceled in 2001 because of lightning -- a fact that, depending on the Scout, raised or lowered the odds of his chickening out this year.

Alex Silva, 12, of Kailua, Hawaii, wore his dress uniform all day, awaiting the moment when he, along with 150 other Scouts who had been picked by their Scout masters, would stand on stage in front of the president and take any hostile fire from Scouts from militia states or lone crazed Scouts looking to secure the ultimate marksman badge.

Given that he lives about as far from the White House as possible within the 50 states and signed up for a year in Iraq, Alex deemed it a "once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see a Connecticut Cowboy retooled into a Washington insider pussy."