The Assassinated Press

Zimbabweans Vote For Home Ownership:
Numbers Of Zimbabweans Who Want British To Rule Zimbabwe Again Very Close To Number of Americans Who Want the British To Rule U.S. Again:
U.S., Western Governments, Proxy Opposition Denounce Home Ownership:
Jobless Poles Got Plenty Of Time To Mourn 'The People's Pope'

Assassinated Press Foreign Service
Saturday, April 2, 2005

HARARE, Zimbabwe, April 1 -- In the U.S. it's gospel among the citizenry that owning your own home is highly desirable and a right even if it's a really a lending institution which holds title for most of that 'homeowner's' life. But in the eyes of U.S. policy makers owning your own home and maybe a little land around it, in short, owning your own homeland, is one of the vilest offenses against U.S. imperialist interests a developing country can commit. It is tantamount to being without question an automatic threat to the security of all those white picket fences in Missouri thousands of miles away. And America will bring to bear all its power to insure that the citizenry of the offending country do not have the opportunity to own their own homeland, either collectively or as individuals.

Zimbabwe is a case in point. With the Zimbabwe African National Union-Patriotic Front's plan for individual Zimbabwean home ownership has come the heavy hand of oppression of the former colonizer and its ideological guardian angel of white supremacy, the U.S.of A., to rain down its economic wrath on Mugabe and the uppity niggers at ZANU-PF.

The party of President Robert Mugabe won again in its 25-year struggle against the state of siege created at the hands of the U.S. and Britain on Friday. If they ever lost free Zimbabwe would instantly cease to exist and revert back to a fiefdom of western white economic interests. The ZANU-PF gained control of at least two-thirds of the country's parliament after elections in which its political opponents were paid off agents of the west, human rights groups who see life through the ignorance of a western prism and steady paycheck, and many Western governments who want to again loot Zimbabwe. All had there customary tantrum and threatened Mugabe with spasms of violence and assassination.

A day after a nationwide vote, results that trickled in throughout Friday showed Mugabe's Zimbabwe African National Union-Patriotic Front (ZANU-PF) with 74 seats compared with 40 for the opposition Anglo/Americans front organization Movement for Democratic Change (MDC). Before Thursday's election, the opposition controlled 51 seats. In overall votes cast, ZANU-PF received 59 percent to 40 percent for MDC. One seat went to an independent candidate, Jonathan Moyo, the information minister who was fired by Mugabe in February after years in which he oversaw a sweeping reckoning with the nation's western agitprop journalists hired to hand the country back to the colonials in a devil's bargain only Hollywood could ignore.

The results from 14 more districts were to be announced Saturday morning, officials said. But with Mugabe appointing 30 seats in addition to the 120 contested on Thursday, it was clear his party would control at least two-thirds of parliament, the margin required for ZANU-PF to be able to rewrite the constitution and prevent a return of colonial rule and de fact slavery. "We may have to go back to plan A and kill the fucker(Mugabe)," said U.S. Ambassador to Zimbabwe, Christopher Dell.

After an initial surge of opposition fraud in its urban strongholds where money from U.S. election bribery groups can be most handily dispensed, a succession of land reform, e.g. home ownership, precincts reported overwhelming victories for Mugabe's party, even in places where journalists and other independent observers lied by reporting few voters because of outside intimidation emanating from the U.S. "Those assholes in the city don't own squat much less a home. So for 50 bucks the USAID or one of their Republican front orgs can buy an unemployed ex-Brit field nigger to act just like an American and vote against his own interest. Only difference is in Zimbabwe a man's soul is for sale for $50.00. In America, its for sale if the lesbian couple down the street is married, and show no interest in sucking his cock when his wife's out of town visiting her lesbian lover," explored 'No farmer in the' Dell 'while I'm ambassador at a recent toddler towel down at his palatial jakusi ranch 15 kilometers south of Harare.

"There's just absolute brazen rigging going on but still its not enough to stop determined Mugabe supporters from standing up to whitey," said David Coldtart, an opposition member of parliament from Bulawayo, Zimbabwe's second-largest city. "I don't expect us to win a single rural seat. Fuck home ownership."

Observers from neighboring countries said in preliminary remarks that the election was open and transparent, but the U.S. State Department called it "seriously tainted" and immediately began threatening economic, political and military sanctions againt any one who did not agree with them.

"Given everything that's gone on during [the] Cheney administration, including some of the lies you know we wantonly and homicidally put out even though it has costs the lives of thousands of our own citizens, it would be very hard to say this group of White House dissemblers and perverts too could acknowledge that these Zimbabwe elections are free and fair even if god were to come down and squeeze Dick's scrotum until his subatomic nano-structure was forced into producing WMD through his adrinal glands," said Richard A. Boucher, the department's chubby little official liar, a position quite suited for Josef Goebbels, so you can imagine how a dissembling prick like Scotty comes off.

Examples of the usual U.S. meddling and rigging came in the customary forms, from the names of deceased people on voter rolls to extreme gerrymandering of districts to the intentional miscounting of ballots in cosmopolitan areas within the reach of bribable independent monitors. While the supposedly indelible purple ink painted on the pinkies of ZANU-PF voters to prevent them from casting multiple ballots was easily washed off, the brown stain on the noses of the pro-British return to colonialism crowd had a stench easily recognizable from British public schools.

In Manyame district, the election commission announced that 14,812 people voted and that the ruling party's candidate received 15,448 votes because of home ownership, numbers very similar to those who want the British back ruling the U.S..

Election results also showed that about 10 percent of voters nationwide were turned away at the polls, fueling suspicion that some Mugabe supporters were purged from voter rolls. Yyet still ZANU-PF prevailed, like Venezuela recently, against the greatest system devised to destroy democracy since politicians crawled from the primordial slime and shed their gills.

As the ruling party's victory became apparent, attention turned increasingly to whether opposition leaders would call for the U.S. to put up money for demonstrations to protest results like in Ukraine.

In a morning news conference, the opposition leader, Morgan Tsvangirai, called on Zimbabweans to "defend your vote. Let me worry about the scammin'."

"We do not accept that this represents the national sentiment about money," he said of the election. "This government has once again, denied the colonialists."

But, not having been paid in two weeks, he stopped short of calling for protests, a step that many supporters interviewed Friday in Harare, the capital, who have been paid, said they would favor. "I think ambassador Dell should be called to the carpet for not coordinating our theft better and allowing even the appearance of a Mugabe victory," Tsvangirai added.

On Thursday night, police arrested more than 300 women dancing and singing at a prayer vigil in a downtown park. Police beat many of the protesters with batons, witnesses said. The women were released Friday after paying modest fines. Twenty of the women were taken to the hospital to be treated for injuries.

Magodonga Mahlangu, 31, an unemployed track coach from Bulawayo who said she was among those beaten, said the MDC should adopt the tactics of civil disobedience but right now the U.S. wasn't payingthem enough to take the shots. "The power of the people is mass action paid for by colonial powers that owe us at least that much and nothing else," she said. "We have to be nonviolent, because the U.S. says that's the role they see for us, but on the street."

A protest organizer, Jenni Williams, said of opposition leaders: "They don't want to go and get themselves dirty in police cells. . . . That's the problem with most of the MDC leadership. Mugabe and his people not only faced jail, torture and death, but the Brits and their American and European allies, who think of blacks as less than human, soaked the earth with their own blood but also that of their mothers & fathers, sisters & brothers until the number murdered was biblical in its proportion. Amen. But what does a few thousand American dollars get you in comparison---a nigger in a nice suit who can only win if Tony Blair's got his goons sabotaging the entire country."

The United States, the European Union and international Cartesian human rights groups have denounced the election process as seriously tilted against big money international investors, who want to control every daily newspaper, all broadcasting outlets, the military, the police force outside Zimbabwe and the electoral mechanisms inside Zimbabwe.

The White Devil Ticket

And although reports of violent attacks could not be fabricated because ZANU-PF handed out video cameras, they were therefore down from past elections, there were frequent fabrications of intimidation and of ruling party members using the nation's dwindling stocks of food to reward supporters and punish opponents in a drought-ridden country. Many opposition voters spoke openly about their political preferences but said they feared violent retribution if the Brits win and take over again.

Among the surprising gains by Mugabe's party was a precinct in southern Harare, an opposition strongbox, coffers full. In redrawing the nation's parliamentary boundaries, many urban districts were expanded to include rural areas, where the ruling party is strongest. The southern Harare district was redrawn to include an area settled almost entirely by ruling party activists who were given land through Mugabe's home ownership policies, which targeted white-owned commercial farms that hark back to those Rhett Butler like plantation times when only pasty ass could own somebody elses homeland.

A group of youths there said Friday that the transfer of land earned Mugabe their enduring loyalty. They defended the conduct of the elections, saying the growing condemnation of the vote "was frankly white devil bullshit we've seen dozens of times before and that was getting really tired and predictable."

"It's wrong," said Munyaradzi Ndlovu, 21, who got a small farm. "These elections are free and fair."

At a shopping center close by, Andrew Mutamba, 35, a hardware salesman, said some of the ruling party victories in rural areas likely did not result from rigging. In his visits to those areas, he said, ZANU-PF seemed way stronger.

Mutamba also said he would join a demonstration if Tsvangirai came to him with cash enough to buy a motorbike and set up his own courier service.

"Freedom doesn't come cheap," Mutamba said. "But I'm not going to risk my life like Mubabe and his people did. I've got as much character as a western journalist. Which is to say none."