The Assassinated Press
The Wall! Mexican President Pena Nieto Tells Donnie to Go Fuck Himself.
Trumps Alternate Plan – Make Wall Crypt for Dead Americans. Funding will also come from the Federal Department of Corporate Welfare.
By A. BANDON
The Assassinated Press
Well, Donald Trump resolutely refused to back down from his demand that the Mexican government pay for his 2000 mile long state-of-the-art border wall and underground drug conduit.
Mexican President, Pena Nieto, in a foul mood and who like Trump is riding high on historically low approval ratings, told the Cheese Diddler to go fuck himself.
Trump retaliated by saying the US would demand a 20% (down from 35% a few days ago) tariff on all goods entering the US through Mexico, the US’s third largest trading partner.
Despite the 15% discount, Mexico retaliated with a raised middle finger and its own 20% tariff.
So if the cash for The Wall isn’t coming from our neighbors to the South, where is it gonna come from?
After meeting in Steve Bannon’s crack house north in a closet just off the oval office, a new proposal was hatched.
Under this proposal, the 40 foot high wall that would stretch 2000 miles along the Mexican/US border would be turned into burial crypts for dead Americans. Any American for a fee could demonstrate his patriotism and undying, well not exactly undying, devotion to The Donald by requesting his family take its hard earned cash, stuff his or her body into one of these Brawny Paper Towel lined one by 4 ft. drawers for the a mere $12,000 for the standard sized crypt. An additional small monthly maintenance fee of $500.00 is not optional.
And to take people’s minds off of the public health holocausts afflicting the US, Trump also will have his sons build a chain of casinos along the border for the families of dead loved ones to booze and gamble they’re way out of their grief.
Also, thirteen million square miles of land, some actually along the border, will be seized through eminent domain. A company jointly owned by Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and an unnamed pseudo-billionaire known only by his initials TD will oversee the purchases.
A newly made up law puts the purchase price at 3 cents an acre in commemoration of the price paid the Native Americans when the settlers first stole the land through the Federal Give It Up Or Die Laws of the 1800’s, the 1810s, the 1820s, the 1830s, the 1840s, the 1850s etc. etc. ad nauseam up until January 27, 2017 and beyond.
Large sections of Washington State, Wyoming. Montana, Kansas, Georgia, North Carolina, Montreal and Florida oddly will be required under eminent domain for the wall, reports the Trump administration.
As Long As It Isn’t My Home
When Trump was asked why, his response was, "Because I fuckin’ can," to loud applause from his supporters.
Further, drug gangs will be hired to transport of your loved one’s body to the inferno that is out southern border. They can ferry the drugs up under the terms of their long time arrangement with the CIA and bring the bodies of your loved one’s back for a large fee paid for by the US taxpayer.
"Shit! The benefits will be YUGE. Those return trips were a waste of time and resources for the drug cartels and the CIA. This way we can make a few bucks off the people’s misery," explained Trump’s spiritual advisor, Stevie Bannon.
The Wall is estimated to be able to house 52,000,000 crypts of dead Americans, about sixth months’ worth after Trump completely deregulates industry and the banks, declares war on China, increases civil strife, and guts health care. A more economical Steve Bannon edition is available where you’re just ground up and added to the cement used to repair patches and tunnels hacked into The Wall by desperate Americans seeking to flee the US but repeatedly denied exit visas by Mexican authorities.
"With your own rotting corpse, you will personally be leading the charge to keep foreigners out of the US". The stench alone from this flimsy fuckin wall etc… – the Trump add copy reads.
Servicemen who die in combat will receive a 10% discount in what will be known as The President Donald Trump Arlington Condo Style Cemetery West and Casinos or the PDTACSCWC.
In an agreement between Trump Enterprises and Halliburton a joint corporation will be formed with a head to be named to lead the company after 4 or 8 years, whichever comes first. Federal funds from the Department of Corporate Welfare will be used to launch and sustain the project.