The Assassinated Press

Is Eating Human Cancer Tumors Cannibalism?
Climate Deniers, Fossil Fuel Execs and their Legislative Functionaries Form a Unique Culinary Elite.

The Assassinated Press

When’s the last time you ate a cancerous human tumor?

Chances are if you were Charles or David Koch the answer would be for lunch.

To a rarified elite among the uber-wealthy and their equally enthusiastic army of paid liars and stooges, eating a rotting, suppurating, cancerous neo-plasm cut from the lung of a coal miner or oil rig mechanic is a sign that one has made it to the top in America’s dog eat dog world.

“It’s quite a delicacy,“ Charles Koch told the Assassinated Press. “And it’s a power rush. Just think some dumb fuck who probably voted for my whore in every election contracts a fatal cancer from working one of my unregulated rigs and I get to eat it.”

It’s comments like Koch’s that have brought up the issue of cannibalism. But Koch’s private executive chef, Albert Fish, denies the charge. “Men like Mr. Koch need to be reassured that they are better than everyone else. What better way than to physically devour the very malignancy that took the life of someone who bartered their life for a job on one of your sites where you fucked them with carcinogens every fucking day. These Kochs. These are gods that we are talking about.”

Some of Chef Fish’s prize winning entrees include Koch’s favorite Ovarian Cancer in a light Garlic and butter sauce braised in a Texas Uterine Sarcoma.

Another house favorite is Black Lung Pudding made with the actual cancerous tissues of the children of former employees forced to live in or near Koch industries’ pollution zones.

Ted Cruz, Jim Inhofe and Scott Walker are just three of the lie-for-hire stooges who frequently dine at the Koch private compound called Kansas.

Reportedly, Cruz being from Texas has a favorite tumor, grilled Baby Rectal Tumors smothered in country gravy.

Gov. Scott Walker elaborated “just as Korowai warriors of south-eastern Papua eat their captives “I as a class warrior against the poor and middle class eat the rotting tumors of my victims thereby taking on their power.”

Responding to the question of cannibalism, Sen. Inhofe replied, “What Mr. Koch does in the privacy of his own estate is his business. Besides, the dumb fucks we eat have been cannibalized by folks like the Kochs since they were born or at least from when they didn’t finish high school and were dumb enough to join the military where they wer labeled fodder. I particularly like them tater tots made out a testicular tumors and corn meal with black truffles.