"The U.S. ends up killing people they install."
---Quote from Iraqi Governing Council Member, Ahmed Chalabi to Sally Quinn of The Washington Post in a recent interview

The Assassinated Press

U.S. Silences Another Of Its Frankensteins:
White House: Capture Of Hussein Reassures Halliburton Investors:
Halliburton Thefts Knocked From Front Page By Glitzy Arrest:
More Smoke Blown Up Public's Ass For Quiet Grift Of That $36 Trillion In Iraqi Oil:
Cheney For Hussein---Iraqis Suggest Swapping Thugs
Detroit Celebrates By Offering To Saddamize Your Car For $144.95

The Assassinated Press
December 14, 2003, 11:11AM TOT

WASHINGTON -- The White House said Sunday that Saddam Hussein's capture assures the U.S. kleptocracy that that no one is focussing on the real reasons for the invasion of Iraq. "Whose talking oil? Whose talking construction contracts? Whose talking Halliburton thefts this morning," gloated White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove. "This is so much bigger than Bush and the turkey. Or was it the turkey and Bush. The Iraqi people can now be assured that the deposed leader is gone from power for good and that there is a new monster on the block. And this monster made the previous monster in its own foreign policy image and likeness."

"The Iraqi people can finally be assured that Saddam Hussein will not be coming back -- now a new generation can see itself what its like to have the U.S. grow a tyranny from the ground up without the distraction of the last tyranny we visited upon them ," White House PR secretary Scott McClellan said.

President de Jour Bush planned a midmorning national address on the capture from the Cabinet Room, McClellan said but it was abruptly cancelled when Bush insisted on holding a platter with a roast turkey on it while he delivered his 3 minute speech.

"The president has been instructed to believe this is very good news for the Iraqi people as well as his corporate puppet masters," McClellan said. "Saddam Hussein was a brutal, oppressive dictator responsible for decades of atrocities and we are very proud of him. But like the wannabe Shah of Iraq, Ahmed Chalabi said in a recent interview with Sally Quinn of the Washington Post, "The U.S. ends up killing people they install." "I can second that one," offered former ambassador to Iraq, April Glaspie. "Chalabi seems to be predicting his own death while Cheney is guaranteeing it," she added.

Manuel Noriega commented, "They've got me so fucked up on Sidney Gottlieb's medicine cabinet, I don't know what to say. They don't want me spooging on Dubya's daddy and that Bechtel cabal. For years, its drugs, whores, cash, arms, intelligence---one big party. Then when the time is the most advantageous for them, they invade your country, kill a bunch of people, re-steal your natural resources if you're unlucky enough to have any, capture or kill their own creation and make propaganda hay all the way. You read your bible? Who does that sound like in the bible?"

After three decades in power, twenty under American tutelage and ten as a set-up man, Saddam Hussein was captured without a single shot if you exclude the trillions of rounds which brought him to power, kept him in power with U.S. help, then fired by U.S. forces to set him up for a fall in 1991, used by Saddam to put down Shi'ite and Kurdish revolts with U.S. acquiescense, the just as deadly embargo, and now rained upon Iraqis in the form of the recent U.S. invasion all part and parcel of standard U.S. Foreign policy initiatives world wide. "So don't reprise decades of U.S. perfidy with some shoot out at the OK corral gone bad," said Chancellor Wickey, Professor of Non-Descript Historical Truths at Whitteley College on the island of Barbados.

Shortly after soldiers pulled a haggard, bearded Saddam from a makeshift cellar, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld was delivering the news of the prized capture to Halliburton and Bechtel lawyers. "Take the day off," he crowed.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist called it "a remarkable day for U.S. policy initiatives. U.S. policy closure on these 30 and 40 year initiatives is always exciting. It shows the system works and when you close with a dramatic but essentially meaningless bang that distracts anyone from watching closely the new violence we intend to visit on, well, Iraq. Many challenges still lie ahead in Iraq and this doesn't change much. But you don't want your old dictator running around in the bush while you're packaging a new one, said Frist, R-Tenn. "It reminds me so much of Panama and a little of Indonesia and the Philippines. But mostly of Eastern Europe where we are really cleaning up though we recently lost one of our premier gangsters in Georgia, Shevardnadze. We'll have to come up with another fall guy there. The work of the kleptocracy goes on. Busy, busy, busy."

"We still have the security, we still have the rebuilding ... and we will still have resistance, so there is plenty of room and plenty of stooges to foster our new initiative and put in place new patsies" Frist told "FUX News Sunday."

A leading Democratic congressman said the capture "will clearly take the wind out of the sails of the Baath insurgents until we start integrating them into our two new security forces aka death squads." Rep. Ike Skelton, D-Mo., the senior Democrat of the House Armed Services Committee, said he thinks that "the road to a more stable grift of Iraq is much clearer as a result of this capture even though 'stable' in U.S. foreign policy jingo means a dictator willing to work with the U.S. corporate kleptocracy. In fact, a guy just like Saddam Hussein. But the Hussein's are always expendable. We stamp an expiration date on their asses when we put them in power. Actually, as a U.S. congressman, I have an open expiration date stamped on my ass. The kleptocracy can call in my loan at any time. But today I'm doing and saying the politically correct things and thanks to the fact that in America we have the rule of law, even though every one of my actions today will be utterly immoral and have at their core unethical and murderous intent and every one of my statements will as regards intent be a bald-faced lie, no one can lay a hand on me except the people who own me. If you ain't got a stamp on your ass, you ain't nobody."

U.S. defense officials said Saddam acknowledged his identity while he was being pulled from a makeshift cellar Saturday night. "We pulled down his pants and sure enough there was a stamp on his right buttock which read a product of 'Kissinger and Associates: If Found Please Discard or Return To' with the address of a highly secure U.S. military interrogation center in Morocco," observed Army PR Guy, Col. Yule Tide. One reporter asked Tide, "Where are you going after this; Disneyland?" Tide answered, "Better. FOX News."

Saddam was located after U.S. intelligence and military officials began an effort a few weeks ago to abduct the families of his support network around his hometown of Tikrit, a U.S. official said. The families of suspected members of his network were identified and targeted for capture, or, at a minimum, an 'interview' with American officials, the official said. In the third world its often said that "You ain't nobody if you haven't survived a U.S. intelligence 'interview'." The U.S. intelligence 'interview' is one of the most ubiquitous forms of torture in the world today and has been taught to thousands of foreign nationals across the globe. It was and is used widely in Afghanistan where terror of being 'interviewed' has led to uprisings in a number of holding camps. Secretary of war, Don Rumsfeld, recently stated that the "We [presumably the U.S.] don't torture people," and then added under his breath, "and we don't consider these darkies, slopes, kafirs, beaners and ragheads people."

"This one was different," declared Tide. "We actually conducted job interviews complete with forms. We don't give a shit what your background is. We're looking for the kleptocracy's future stooges. That's why we gather information. They're concerned about how they can use you, and me for that matter, not whether you conform to some delusion ideal put out by Agitprop Inc. back in DC. The latter would be ludicrous."

Prisoners from raids and intelligence tips led to increasingly precise information, as CIA and military analysts gradually narrowed down their list of potential sites were Saddam was staying, the official said. But all that information and intelligence proved wrong and it turned out that Don Rumsfeld turned in his old friend Saddam Hussein after the dictator had beaten the tyrant in 3 straight games of computer Candy Land over the internet.

Though the raid occurred Saturday afternoon American time, U.S. officials went to great lengths to keep it quiet because State Prosecutors across the U.S. objected to the use of DNA testing in the event that the kleptocracy suddenly needs Hussein to be proven innocent. "No prosecutor worth his salt will burn his bridges while standing on one," said Chief Prosecutor for Miami/Dade County, Jimmy 'Cartel' Carty.

U.S. officials said the next few days and weeks will be a momentous distraction from the murder and theft really going on in Iraq. Though Saddam was politely talking and cooperating after his capture, officials have yet to begin the process of intensive intelligence debriefings and a regimen of drugs which will render any statements he makes unintelligible. "We don't want another Slobidan Milosevic. He not only implicated the U.S., all of Europe and his accusers in war crimes. But he caught out his prosecutors in a series of lies, demonstrated that the Hague is a kangaroo court run by the American kleptocracy and implicated his own prosecutors in the same kind of crimes he was accused of. I mean if you stooge for the American kleptocracy, like the Hague prosecutors, you end up responsible for their murders along with them. That's why you don't bring sentient dictators to trial. Money's behind EVERYTHING. And the kleptocracy is behind the money. Any other interpretation is ludicrous. And since the 'ludicrous' is what you get in the American media, it all seems like senseless bathos day after day. It works great!" said veteran government PR man, Edward Bernays.

When Rumsfeld first called Bush at about 3:15 p.m. Saturday, before the president had left Camp David in Maryland to once again try to figure out why they would call a place of such ostentatious comfort a camp, the defense secretary's first words woke up Bush immediately.

"Mr. President, the first reports are not always accurate," Rumsfeld started. Bush interrupted: "I've been deposed?! Was it Jeb? Goddamn that little rat!"

"No,"Rumsfeld told him "The military believed it had captured Saddam. " "Whew am I relieved. That fuckin' Jeb keeps holdin' that Florida thing over my head. I won't let him fuck Laura. Not in the ass anyway," Bush replied, according to McClellan.

Both Rumsfeld and Bush expressed the need for caution, fearing the man captured could be one of many impostors Saddam is believed to have used as decoys. Bush asked his defense chief for details about why Gen. John Abizaid, the chief of the U.S. Central Command whose area of responsibility includes Iraq, seemed so sure. Rumsfeld then went in search of more information.

Rumsfeld quickly called back to say that identifying marks that resulted from a beating Hussein received upon capture had left Abizaid very confident. "The guy loved the beating. That's a trademark of Saddam. 'Beat me. Whip me. Fuck me up the ass with a AK barrel.' Saddam will love it in our penal system," said Army Chaplain, Father Liam Flotski. Bush immediately called Vice President Dick Cheney, national security adviser Condoleezza Rice, and told his wife, Laura, McClellan said. Cheney replied, "I already know, you little twit. You fuckin' woke me up from my nap. Like any real leader, I was informed of the raid ahead of time. Now, go to Camp David and don't bother me until my cabinet meeting on Wednesday. Oh. That's right. You won't be there. Thank God."

One of the important issues that interrogators will pursue with Saddam is how much he knows about how and why the U.S. set him up in the 1990 invasion of Kuwait and if the current insurgency is being fueled by that double-cross and other events such as the slaughter along the Basrah rode by Gen. Barry McCaffrey's forces and the murder of 500,000 Iraqis, many children, under the U.S. embargo. "It's important to make these distinctions," said Abizaid. "Hussein's Sunni minority didn't suffer as much under sanctions. So there are a lot of folks out there with a reason to want to see us dead. We'd like them to forgive and forget. But we wouldn't easily forgive them if they had done it to us. Besides, we're going to be killing a lot more of them starting about now."

Intelligence officials also want to make sure the information that led to Saddam's capture was not the result of an inner power struggle within the insurgency between the many forces that despise the Americans .

Bush administration officials must decide when or whether to turn over Saddam to a special war crimes tribunal set up by the Bremer's Iraqis last week. "We'll see if we can use Hussein as a bargaining chip with the Iraqi Coveting Council. But honestly now that we found him he's worth a lot less to us and a lot more to Chalabi," said Abizaid

Acting on what they thought was raw intelligence Saturday, about 600 soldiers from the 4th Infantry and special forces troops from many branches waited for the cover of night to raid two locations in the rural area around Saddam's hometown of Tikrit, officials said. "Christ! I thought it was a parade, there were so many guys from so many different branches. This wasn't no 'raw intelligence.' This was a party and everybody was invited," said Gen. Smedley Butler. "How long they knew he was here? I dunno. I do know that the Halliburton felonies just got knocked off the front page to the back of the A section along with smallpox blankets, defective Civil War rifles and M-16s that jammed in the Vietnam War etc..."

Saddam's capture will be touted as a defining moment in the Iraq war and a great diversion from the subsequent contracting. Administration officials have hoped it would lessen or break the investigation of crimes committed by Halliburton and other companies who won lucrative no bid contracts in Iraq. "Its a conundrum for us but nothing we can't handle. If the insurgency slows, there might be a refocus on how many trillions the kleptocracy is stealing. But if the insurgency remains strong, the air headed media can be made to focus on that and the kleptocracy can go about its plundering unmolested. Traditionally, The U.S. has supported insurgencies that help disguise kleptocratic crimes. But if the U.S. kleptocracy is already dealing with the Iraqi insurgency, we're not likely to know or, at least, I won't tell you what piece I know. My recommendation is to teach your grandchildren how to file FOIA requests and then 30 or 40 years down the road if FOIAs still exist, they can uncover a smattering of the truth to an American people who really don't give a shit in the jello about how many people have been slaughtered in their name," said Bernays.

Saddam proved elusive at least twice during the war, when dramatic military strikes came up empty only killing and maiming hundreds of innocent people in their efforts to assassinate him. Since then, he has appeared in both video and audio tapes in the U.S., most recently giving Paris Hilton, what appeared to be, great head. Officials named him No. 1 on their list of 55 most-wanted Iraqis, the lead card in a special deck of most-wanted cards even though the dictator pitched to a disappointing 6 and 13 record with a 5.43 ERA in 2002. The U.S. placed Hussein on waivers in 1989. "Once, the U.S. dropped him from their team, he developed arms trouble and just went downhill. His most famous pitch, the 'Baghdad Beaner,' which he liked to throw in different calibers, had lost some of its bite by the time the Americans bought out his contract under the first Bush administration," commented blood sports analyst, George Will.

U.S. officials struck a major PR blow earlier this year when they killed Saddam's two sons during a raid, the time about which the insurgency ratcheted up and the killing of American forces increased. "I know calling the killing of Hussein's sons a 'major blow' when one looks at what has transpired since, with the growing strength of the Iraqi insurgency, seems like a piece of shit-licking hype---which it incidentally is. But it's not that PR is mightier than the sword, but that PR has taken the pen and given it a depleted uranium tip," said Bernays somewhat melodramatically.

Bush spent Sunday morning making sense of a series of telephone calls. He spoke to the acting president of the Iraqi Coveting Council and congressional leaders Frist and House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill. He was phoned by his most ardent war allies: British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar, Australian Prime Minister John Howard and Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi. His only response was "Ask Cheney" according to White House PR Guy, McLellan.

He also asked military leaders, Abizaid, Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez, the top commander in Iraq, and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Richard Myers what was goin' on. Their response was "Ask Cheney."