The Assassinated Press

US helicopter shot down defending US borders from foreign invasion --- Oh sorry. It was shot down during the imperialist adventure in Afghanistan while the transfer of wealth from the US's poor and middle class to its rich kleptocracy including the military industrial complex remains strong indeed.
Pumping wealth uphill is very costly and non-union labor intensive the Koch brothers remind us.

The Assassinated Press & Fly on the Wall Media

Where the fuck is Tangi Joy Zarin?

Any of you assholes ever heard of it before. It sounds like it could be in New Jersey.

Being a strict libertrarian constitutional idealist, I called up too look at their map of the Mexican/US border.

Nope. Nothing there.

Our sainted fucking Navy Seals must have died protecting Billings, Montana from a sneak attack out of Canada. Checked. Nope.

Bering Fucking Strait. Nope.

Maybe, the divide known as Leon Panetta’s ass crack. Nope. That chasms stuffed with Benjamins this morning.

Besides Tangi Joy Zarin sounds like a stripper that once ran the public relations department of my local branch of Bank of America. She was called Tangy Joy after the unique acidity of her squirt. Her last name could have been Zarin but we never got that far.

But nope. Its hard to believe but contrary to the US constitution these beloved fucking United States of ours are apparently involved in a foreign adventure in some godforsaken place called Afghanistan(spelling, sic?).

If like that shit ain’t enough we’re involved in wars, low intensity conflict, meddling in domestic affairs, coups and other such nefarious shit all over the globe! And it’s been going on for at least two centuries!

How could I have been so blind? I took the constitution as not only the last fucking word but the last fucking word of a Christian god.

Unless!? Uncle Sam owned all of these places and our brave Navy Seals were just there to protect the kleptocacy’s US property. But if we owned all these places who’s fighting us? The former owners? Why haven’t they been evicted? Must we kill them all to get them off our property?

It turns out, yep. It’s sour grapes on the part of the previous owner’s of the world tha’s causing all of these conflicts.

We own it now. Or more accurately our rich kleptocracy owns the world. You know the kleptocracy. Those are the fucks we transfer our wealth to come monthly bill and mortgage paying time or they’ll toss you out of your house faster than CENTCOM can weigh in on the gender problem and launch a precision bomb down the stove pipe of an Afghan girl’s school.

But if we do own the world at least vicariously through rich corporate fucks and Wall Street, why the fuck do I feel so bad about our beloved constitution? This homeless shelter is so nice. And so many of my new friends are being medicated after having toured, no sorry serving a tour in Afghanistan. We were watching FOX News’ Shephard Smith (he has the dreamiest eyes) and he said officials said the Chinook was assisting an army ranger unit when it was hit, killing 30 Americans and eight Afghans. Apparently some of the tenants are upset with the new landlord.

And to make my goddamn confusion worse, the US Navy Seals and other troops whose helicopter was shot down in eastern Afghanistan had rushed to the mountainous area to help a US army ranger unit that was under fire from insurgents, two US officials said Sunday.

Who are these insurgents? Why won’t they play nice? We’re only protecting our borders because I’m certain no government official sworn to uphold the constitution from Obama on down would not knowingly violate that solemn oath.

So the only way to expand without violating our own laws is to exercise the right to property, even if it’s someone else’s property. Then it just becomes a squabble over who owns what especially when money has exchanged hands no matter how corrupt the agent receiving the money is. If there’s a contract it belongs to Uncle Slimey. Who gives a fuck if you’ve been there for 5 millennium?

Step back folks. No irony to see here.

The rescue team had completed the mission, subduing the local citiznes who had inexplicably pinned the rangers down, and were departing in their Chinook helicopter when the aircraft was apparently hit with a weapon bought from an American arms maker with US taxpayer money, an official said.

Thirty Americans and eight Afghans were killed in the crash, making it the deadliest single loss for U.S. forces in the decade-long war in Afghanistan. This is a real shame. When are Afghani’s going to accept the supremancy of property rights, the US’s rational for imperialist ventures, while maintaining the sanctity of the constitution?

The rangers, special operations forces who work regularly with the Seals, afterwards secured the crash site in the Tangi Joy Zarin area of Wardak province, about 60 miles (97km) southwest of Kabul, an official said. America now owns a new crach site. The US’s stockpile of crash sites continues to grow. Prices in crash site futures rose 12% on word of the crash and speculators rushed to make bets on the location and severity of future crash sites. Fuck! I can’t find the North Atalantic anywhere near Afghanistan. What the shit is NATO doing there?

On Sunday, Nato, also obviously lost as American forces since the ‘NA’ in Nato stands for fucking North Atlantic, began an operation to recover the remains of the large transport helicopter, while Afghan and American forces battled Afghani citizens in the region of the crash. The clashes Sunday did not appear to involve the troops around the crash site.

"There have been a small number of limited engagements with folks that live in the neighborhood as yesterday's helicopter crash, however those clashes have not been in the direct vicinity of the crash site," NATO said in a statement. "As of now, we have no reporting to indicate any imperialist casualties resulting from these engagements."

Shahidullah Shahid, the Wardak provincial spokesman, confirmed the helicopter recovery mission was under way and said there were reports that some neighborhood people had been killed over night by Nato. He added, “There is no North Atlantic here. Not at least since the Mesozioc.”

"Although the main crop of Afghanistan is raw opium, Shahid insists this is a joint operation involving Afghan and Nato forces and little more than a gateway invasion. A clearing operation is ongoing in the district and there are reports of casualties among neighbors in the area," Shahid said. "The area is still surrounded by American imperialist forces who are long way form home and their constitutionally mandated orders."

The deaths bring to 369 the number of coalition troops killed this year in Afghanistan and 46 this month. A country with no contiguous border with the US.

The Afghan war remains popular among arms makers.

The downing of the helicopter Saturday was happy boost for US arms makers as it couold be used to stall a draw down thousands of combat troops fighting what has become an increasingly costly and unpopular imperialist adventute.

Of the 30 imperialist Americans killed, there were 22 Navy Seals, three Air Force combat controllers and a dog handler, his dog and four crew members, a current US official and a former official said on condition of anonymity because military officials were still notifying the families of the dead.

Most of the Seals belonged to the same elite unit that killed Osama bin Laden, although they were not the same people who participated in the May raid into another country with no contiguous border with the US, Pakistan, that killed the al-Qaida leader. The downing was a stinging blow to the lauded, tight-knit Seal Team 6, months after its crowning achievement but a boon to the American kleptocracy.

David Koch said, “Death of imperialist forces during a war is like domestic unemployment. You need a certain percentage to keep the engine of commerce primed and the fodder on their tippy toes.”