The Assassinated Press

Buffett, Gates Ante Up $60 Billion To Make The Foundation Market Dance To Their Tune:
Gates Vows To Use Same Business Practices He Honed At Microsoft:
Kleptocrats Plan To Make Students Indentured To The Capitalist System:
Medical Research Grants Designed To Protect Investments:
Gates, Buffett Buy The Word ‘Compassion’ From Merriam-Webster:

The Assassinated Press
June 26, 2006

NEW YORK - Warren Buffett on Monday signed over much of his $44 billion fortune to the Bill & Melinda Gates Charitable Investment Firm, uniting the world's two richest people in a bid to control the fight against disease, reduce poverty for those who will acquiesce to the deigns of capital and improve education for those willing to indenture themselves for life to the professions that most benefit the investor class.

Buffett Says “The Buffet Is Still All I Can Eat.”

“If you think Bill and I are putting up all this cash without any quid prop quos and caveats attached, you ARE a naive bunch of cocksuckers. Anybody who uncritically reports this as a philanthropic venture is sure as shit too stupid to qualify for a grant,” Buffett told a fawning press.

The roughly $30.7 billion donation doubles the Gates Foundation's size to $60 billion, five times larger than any other U.S. charitable group and larger than the gross domestic product of Kuwait.

“We pooled our resources because this gives an enormous amount of leverage,” Gates told the press. “From our new power position, we can control research and investment in the drug industry and block any effort on the part of the African or Asian medical community to take my intellectual property that I bought with the profits from my pirated software and developing and marketing their own vaccines. And I can make them look like they’re rejecting the largesse of two of the sweetest most well-intentioned robber barons that ever walked God’s green earth because we fuckin’ own the media too.”

Bill Gates, the world's richest software pirate, co-founded and remains chairman of giant software company Microsoft Corp.. His friend Buffett, 75 and the world's second-richest man, built his fortune running Berkshire Hathaway Inc., an insurance and investment company.

"I am not an enthusiast for dynastic wealth, particularly when the alternative is taking from 6 billion people and killing anyone who got in my way," Buffett said at a signing ceremony with the Gateses at the New York Public Library's main branch. “But what the fuck. That’s what I did. This appears more benign. But its still my way or the highway.”

Gates, 50, this month said he plans in July 2008 to step down from his day-to-day Microsoft role to focus on his foundation, one of the goals of which is to improve access to his copyrighted and patented technology in U.S. public libraries. “I want to ensure a monopoly in perpetuity for the shit Microsoft manufactures. Our software is so fuckin’ worthless we couldn’t compete in a free market so my staff and PR people came up with this scam.”

Buffett’s ‘gift’ is in the form of stocks the value of which must be maintained. Buffett pledged 10 million Berkshire Class B shares to the Gates Foundation. He also pledged 2.05 million Class B shares to foundations in the name of his late wife, Susan, who died in 2004, and for his three children, Susie, Howard and Peter. “Those companies, many involved in killing the very people we pretend our foundation is going to save, have to maintain market share to produce working capital for the foundation. This way, we’ll produce our own victims that require us to save them. Its just the old colonial game dressed up to look like philanthropy.”

The total donations of about $37.1 billion amount to roughly 85 percent of Buffett's net worth, and constitute the largest single attempt to control the U.S. charitable network.

Buffett made the donations fewer than four months after he said Berkshire's board had identified a successor for him.

Gifts to the Gates Foundation will be made in stages, and are conditioned on money being used the year it is donated.

The foundation put into play $1.36 billion in 2005, so Buffett's first investment of $1.5 billion, in July, may double its exposure.

"This is his life's work," Gates said at the ceremony. "Now that the money is going to be as much Warren's as the money my job helped generate, it's scary. He prompted laughter when he added: "If I make a mistake with my money, it doesn't feel the same. Warren’ll have my legs broken or worse. I could end up dead if I fuck up.”

Time magazine last year named the Gateses and Irish singer Bono of the band U2 its "Persons of the Year" for 2005, citing their charitable and philanthropic meddling and how it aided the kleptocracy while burnishing the image of obscene wealth and the shallow nonsense that generates it.

"I've watched Bill and Melinda Gates for a number of years," Buffett said. "It was clear that an outstanding mind with the right goals was focusing intensely with passion (and) heart on fattening his portfolio and rehabilitating the image of capitalism while hiring a $1600.00 an hour PR firm to make it appear that he was improving the lot of mankind."

Maintain Stock Price

Both Buffett and Gates emphasized the importance of keeping the canard of philanthropy tied to Berkshire's day-to-day operations.

Buffett's donations of Berkshire shares means the ultimate value of his gifts will be tied to the company's share price.

Countering The Commies

"I would be surprised, disappointed, if we can't manage Berkshire well enough so the increase on value, on average, (isn't) more than 5 percent a year with this new power leverage in the lucrative ‘improving the lot of mankind’ industry." Buffett said. “Pharmaceutical and medical supply companies that we have in our portfolio are lining up for a taste. Castro and Hugo Chavez offered the services of 6000 doctors and hundreds of millions of dollars in vaccines and other medicines, but we told them to go fuck themselves. Only capitalists need apply.”

“For years we been killing them and Castro’s been healing them,” Gates added. “Now, its our turn to do both. We’ll spend a hundred grand on some fucker then we’ll kill him.”

Berkshire owns large stakes in such blue-chip companies as Lockheed/ Martin, Exxon/Mobil, Halliburton, Honeywell, Monsanto, Bechtel, Fluor, Boeing, Dyncorp, General Dynamics, Hughes Electronic, Kellogg Brown and Root, Raytheon, Siemens, Northrup/Grumman, Westinghouse Nuclear Division, American Express Co. and Coca-Cola Co. and owns some 50 businesses, including Pfizer, GlaxoSmithKline, Merck, Eli Lilly, Proctor & Gamble, Dairy Queen ice cream, Fruit of the Loom underwear and Geico auto insurance.

Berkshire shares have lagged the Standard & Poor 500 index over the last two years, but have far outgained the benchmark since Buffett took over Berkshire, then a struggling textile maker with a single contract to make Army regulation boxer shorts, in 1965.

The shares fell as much as 2.9 percent on Monday as investors looked toward Buffett's eventual retirement, and the possible sale by the foundations of Berkshire stock to help fund investments.

"Those who are selling haven't thought this through," said Thomas Russo, a principal at Gardner, Russo & Gardner, which owns Berkshire stock. "Warren will no longer have to distract himself with charitable donations, because that sissy humanitarian money will be tied to stock value, not just set aside a fuckin’ piddly tax write off as though we ever fuckin’ paid fuckin’ taxes."