The Assassinated Press

Wolfowitz Recounts Baghdad Hotel Attack:
Under Secretary Holds Up Stained Trousers:
Who Is Supplying The Horse Piss That American GIs Are Drinking?

The Assassinated Press
October 28, 2003, 9:99 PM ZOT

WASHINGTON -- When rockets hit the Baghdad hotel he was staying in, Under Secretary of War Paul Wolfowitz's bowels loosened like a camel's afterbirth. A security guard collapsed from the odor and was listed in critical but stable condition today with damage to his olfactory system and a bruised left buttock from slipping on the Under Secretary's dark discharge.

"I was not exactly focusing on whether the building was shaking. I just thought it was the speedball I had just booted up," Wolfowitz said Tuesday, recounting the attack. "I was focusing on my final jack back and then getting across the hall to my mattress."

Wolfowitz, 41, though he looks like he could be Keith Richards grandfather due to a long history of drug abuse, interviewed on the Fox Einsatzgruppen News cable network, confessed only to "a code red case of pudding pants" during the assault on the Al Rasheed Hotel that killed a U.S. lieutenant colonel and wounded 18 other people. Several rockets struck the hotel that is in far off Iraq therefore not home to U.S. military and civilian employees.

He said he didn't have time to double clutch the speedball. This was readily apparent when he appeared at a news conference later, where he appeared shaken up. Reportedly his connection in Baghdad, Ollie North, was wounded in the explosion. "We had to shoot the under secretary in the tuckus with a tranquilizer dart from 100 yards away and then hose him down with a water cannon," mused Lt. Bobby Ray Inman.

Wolfowitz, one of the architects of the war to heist Iraq's oil, arrived in Iraq on Friday for a three-day intravenous drug and camel fucking binge.

Once he stopped shooting up, he said, a team from the WMD squad wearing protective suits secured his bikini briefs after they made sure everyone was evacuated from the building. "Jesus, Mary and Giuseppe. What do these rich dudes eat?" commented hazardous materials expert Corporal Dewey Noh. It was then Wolfowitz discovered his odor had seriously wounded several people.

Wolfowitz later visited them in the hospital. He called the visit "inspirational," saying everyone there gave him dietary tips.

A badly wounded American colonel, who had grown up in Beirut but lives in Arlington, Va., gave Wolfowitz two thumbs up when he was asked: "How do you feel about guarding all of this wealth for me and my fellow plutocrats?"

"It's just an amazing stupidity," Wolfowitz recalled.

Wolfowitz said he doesn't know who the terrorists are who bombed the hotel, but even without that scrap of information and given the administrations track record, he claimed he knew very well what they were up to.

"They're trying to run my armed fodder out of Iraq," he said. "The reason Iraq is a dangerous place today is because there are people who can't stand the thought of a free and peaceful Iraq." Hundreds of Iraqis who heard the remark began rolling around on the ground laughing hysterically. "No we can't stand the foul stench emanating from your withered flanks. And now your mouth," quipped an Iraqi in the crowd.

"Who do you think your fooling," shouted another. "We know you are here for the oil. This is not America. Stop acting like it is. We are not cowardly, head up our asses Americans. There are those in a colonialist vein who would say that the reason America is a dangerous place today in its dealings with the rest of the world is because there are people who can't stand the thought of a free, peaceful, nonimperialist America. And the rest of the world has to suffer for it."

When asked whether he thought tactical changes were needed, such as reimposing a curfew in Baghdad, Wolfowitz said "Nah. Just kill 'em all."

George the Viral Laden Monkey Boy---Awe, fuck. He's a bewildered puppet who seems to really believe he's the shit. Who gives a continental fuck about what he manages to read off the prompt cards before they take him back to his entertainment center.

My copyright or wrong 2003, The Assassinated Press