The Assassinated Press

Cheney/Halliburton Loosen Grip, Allow Iraq to Hold Conference for Multi-National Oil Companies:
International Business Elites Assured Piece of Iraqi Oil Wealth In Return For Greasing Their Government Officials Into Sending Troops To Iraq:
Convicted Felon, Chalabi, Praises U.S. Oil Grab:
General Sanchez Tells Cheney: "If You're Unhappy With the Job the U.S. Army Is Doing Guarding Your Oil, Go Do It Your Fucking Self!"

Assassinated Press Business Writer
October 2, 2003

LONDON -- Under a plan devised by Halliburton and Bechtel executives, Iraq has been given the go ahead to invite executives from as many as 60 foreign oil companies to a Baghdad conference to discuss ways of looting the country's vast oil resources. It has been billed as the first back room deal of its kind since the ouster of Saddam Hussein. However, skeptics abound. "Ah, Chalabi was moaning and whining that he was going to go ahead and cut his own deals. He hasn't been in the country for 23 years and already he acts likes he owns it. And besides, no offense to our boys and girls in uniform, but if we waited around for them to secure Iraq, I'd be dead in my grave before I made my second billion," griped Under-Secretary of War, Paul Wolfowitz. "We don't want another Somalia. Ain't got no fuckin' oil out Somalia yet."

Chalabi invited U.N. officials to visit Iraqi mass graves before his government began charging admission in November. "This is not like the clumsy U.S. bullshit surrounding mass graves in former Yugoslavia when the only concern was economic. These are not those kind of lies per se. While our interest is in harmony with the U.S. e.g. the money, we really have come up with huge numbers of bodies. Its just that they were victims of the U.S./British attack of 1991 and the subsequent embargo. But who can tell the difference."

The meeting, scheduled for December, would be "a brainstorming session for companies hungry to bury their snouts in investment opportunities and for Iraqi oil officials eager to make personal fortunes, to begin accepting gratuities from key players and to skim off funds from the financing of new technologies, a source of income long denied them under U.N. sanctions," the event's organizer, Paul Bristol, Chairman of Hilfe Ltd. said Thursday. "Its kind of a patrician's potlatch where the participants do what patricians do best---take what doesn't belong to them," Bristol added.

The Iraqi Oil Ministry has hired Bristol, an independent, London-based oil public relations expert, to arrange the conference. A brief biography illustrates that independence. Bristol has vast experience in the energy sector having spent the majority of his working career in the oil and mining industries. He has arranged financing for a number of multinational companies, including KCA Drilling, Oilfields Inspection Services, BW Mud, and MinMet plc. He also formed African Focus Ltd, an information company specifically concentrating on the exploitation of Africa and whose research was distributed on Bloomberg and Reuters Business Briefing now included in Hilfe. When criticism arose recently that someone so steeped "in" the "oil" "industry could hardly be considered independent, former Secretary of War and Bechtel executive, Caspar Weinberger groused, "They don't know what they're talking about. Paul's independent. He'll go to the highest bidder."

Most international oil firms have been held back from trying to invest in Iraq because Dick Cheney has been like a pit bull protecting Halliburton's death grip on Iraqi oil. Also, lack of an internationally recognized administration in Baghdad had made bribery difficult. "We didn't want to waste our money on some guy whose only got a couple of hundred armed followers and no clout when it comes to oil," quipped Chevron Chairman, Ken Derr. "We worked with the Nigerian government to displace and kill quite a few people there to get our way oil wise. But with Iraq, we're not there yet." For example, the Royal Dutch/Shell Group of Cos. said it wants to see the establishment of "a legitimate, stable government" in Iraq before pursuing any opportunities there. "Legitimate stable government is code for a murderous repressive regime that lets the harried CEO get a good nights sleep knowing his international wealth is secure. Like the Shah of Iran. When it was announced that the U.S. was training a Savak-like secret police in Iraq, we decided to come to the conference and get on board," added Derr.

With the U.S. puppet Iraqi Governing Council gradually getting a reputation for personal greed, many potential investors are now showing renewed interest, Bristol said.

"There's been a refinement in their attitude, I think, over the past two months. Since the checks started coming in the mail," he said. "And we think we've identified more than a couple of stone cold despots among them. The CIA is further assessing, but several have scored high on the Necessary Evil Aptitude Test, just like Saddam Hussein did in 1965. It's a greed based test that also attempts to confirm mass homicidal tendencies. Marcos scored high. As did Hussein, Pinochet and really everybody we embraced in Latin America, Southeast Asia, the Middle East and Africa. If there's one area in which U.S. intelligence is superlative, its in identifying and embracing thugs willing to kill their own people to promote themselves and the desires of the international business community. Then when they've outlived their usefulness, the U.S. knocks 'em off and sells it to the American people as though it were a humanitarian act. The media creates the necessary illusion. Polls make sure the agitprop is working. Sweet."

In September alone, representatives of Iraq's interim leadership received cash incentives at an Arab League meeting in Cairo, Egypt; a Conference on Disarmament session in Geneva; annual meetings of the World Bank and International Monetary Fund in Dubai; and a gathering of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries in Vienna, Austria. "Christ! I got so much backsheesh, I'm not even going to the steal the towels at the hotel," cried council member, Massoud Barzani, leader of the Kurdistan Democratic Party.

To kick off the IMF meeting an Argentine boys choir which the Fund recently received as partial payment on the interest Argentina owes to U.S. banks, sang a revisionist version of What The World Needs Now. The amended lyrics begin:

"What the world needs now is crude, sweet crude.
It's the only thing that keeps our asses lubed."

The U.N. Security Council on Thursday began debating a new U.S. draft resolution which pretends to hand over power in Baghdad to Iraqis and giving the United Nations a larger role there in securing international oil wealth. The prospect of a new resolution with broad international backing committing money and troops is designed to satisfy the demands of the oil companies. "Look. Oil is driving policy. 36 trillion dollars worth of oil. You have to be an idiot to think of it any other way," Jay Gould VIII told his second grade class at T. Boone Pickens Elementary.

"ChevronTexaco would be pleased to participate in any potential plots with regard to a potential rape of Iraq," said Maripat Sexton, a Houston-based spokeswoman for ChevronTexaco Corp.

The economic health and political control of the budding Iraqi elite depend on the rabid exploitation of its oil industry. Iraq has the world's second-largest proven crude Reserves worth an estimated $36 trillion, and oil is its most valuable export far outstripping its second most profitable export, prefab camel shit houses called dungalows which have become popular in gated communities like Palm Springs.

However, postwar looting or "sharing the countries patrimony before international whitey steals it behind his tanks and fodder" as its known in Iraq along with sabotage of pipelines and other facilities have hampered Iraq's efforts to turn over an industry to Dick Cheney already crippled by bombardment and a 12-year U.N. embargo.

The December conference will focus on the "upstream" part of Iraq's oil industry -- production at existing oil fields and exploitation for and development of new deposits. Iraqi oil officials have been told by President Cheney and Secretary of War Rumsfeld not to discuss investment in refineries, distribution or any other "downstream" businesses "or they'll find your body 'downstream'" as Paul Bremer so diplomatically put it at the last Iraqi Council session..

Smaller, independent oil companies are likely to lead the way in investing in the Iraqi oil patch, just as they did in the North Sea in the 1970s, before the majors gobble them up, Bristol said. He expects Iraq's Oil Ministry to sign its first exploitation contract with an independent company by the middle of next year. "We should have more luck finding oil than weapons of mass destruction. You should investigate that," commented David Kay before a grand jury looking into the prosecution of dozens of officials in the Cheney administration.

The next tsunami of investors would be the large multinational companies, such as Shell, Exxon Mobil Corp. and ChevronTexaco.

"I think first you'll have the 20 foot swells of the so-called independents. They'll be Iraqi bodies floating after those. But then a series of tidal waves will hit in the form of the multinationals. Then bloated dead Iraqis will litter the polluted surf of the Arab economies. Iraqis will flock to Germany for work. The big boys will follow the so-called independents very quickly, within a few minutes at the latest," Bristol said. "Iraq is too big for it not to be a wholly owned subsidiary of the majors down the road!"

Bristol would not identify which companies the oil ministry was told by Cheney to invite to the conference.

Like many Middle Eastern producers, Iraqis are fiercely proud of their oil wealth and have long been suspicious of foreign companies that want to help explore for and develop Iraq's oil deposits. "But now what choice do they have? The U.S. has occupied them. To the victor go the spoils. So what if we had to cut a deal with the internationals not based in the U.S. Now, they'll tell their political stooges to send troops to guard the oil. Shame to have to give up a few trillion but Christ it took 200 of our heavily armed clowns to take out Kusay, Uday and a 14 year old boy. Fuck. We need the French. They're tough," commented White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove. "Escargo looks like little turds. Don't you think," he added as a culinary note.

But the oil majors' interest in Iraq is not conditional on any decision the Iraqis might take to privatize their oil industry. The oil ministry probably would work with the majors on a contractual basis to leave the actual crude reserves under Iraqi control who in turn answer to Cheney and Halliburton., Bristol said. "That way it gives the appearance of being in what is vaguely called Iraqi hands by the western press. No one looks too closely at the fine print. I mean, I didn't use "might" and "would" in the statement above. The western journalist who wrote the original put the conditionals in because he knows I'm a career liar but wants to still keep getting his paycheck. Still wants his cut," Bristol clarified.

Iraqi oil officials are keen to meet foreign executives because they long have been "out of the money" as regards large international loans routinely skimmed by international oil experts and modern drilling technologies companies, Bristol said.

About 30 Iraqi officials have won the Oil Ministry pool and are expected to receive the initial round of bribes at the December meeting.

My copy right or wrong 2003, The Arsearseinated Press