The Assassinated Press

Court Rules That Private Consortium Retains Sole Control Of Arizona And Nevada Sunlight:
Decision On Air Still Pending

The Assassinated Press
July 24, 2004

VARNUM, NEVADA---In a clear victory for the Department of Energy and a consortium of six transnational energy firms including Halliburton and Exxon/Mobil, the Nevada Circuit Court ruled that a deal struck between the Federal government and private industry over the ownership and distribution of Arizona and Nevada sunlight was legal and that technical improvements and the calculation of user rates could proceed immediately.

The unanimous decision in essence confirms that a closed door deal for the rights to the sunlight of the two western states violates no current federal laws or statutes and in fact is in step with the DOE's and Cheney administration' s Alternative Energies Program. The decision establishes that Halliburton, Exxon/Mobil, ChenRum Oil and Gas, British Petroleum, French Elf, Petroleos de Venezuela & Lukoil of Texas "own in perpetuity the proprietary rights to the sunlight of the State of Arizona and the State of Nevada."

Opponents of the contract argued that turning sunlight into a consumer commodity threatened to place into private hands yet another essential ingredient to life along with water and personal privacy which have largely been privatized over the last decade. "Soon if you want to go the beach and soak up some rays that Exxon/Mobil helped make lethal, you'll get your fat ass photographed in those purple speedos and have to pay them a user's fee for the honor of getting skin cancer. Halliburton will be able to place a surcharge on every pound of beef, gallon of milk or ear of corn you eat grown in states where they control 'sunlight rights' because without sunlight the growth process is not possible," commented Jan Brener of the Citizens for Free Air and Light.

Wall Street was quick to applaud the Nevada court's decision and called the law's opponents "tree huggers" and "welfare queens." "As far as we can tell, our opposition is just a bunch of socialists and communists who don't want to pay their way in the world," admonished Judge Henrietta Bean of the circuit court.

Dewey Cheatum, an analyst for the oft indicted Citicorp, put the reasonableness of the court's decision this way. "Look. Making sunlight a consumer good like oil, fudge or pussy was the only way to get the needed investment. Now, investors can see a million ways to profit from sunlight including , what's that shit called. Oh, yeah. Photovoltaic cells. I'm not recommending to my clients that they invest in that risky solar energy shit right now. That's down the road. Right now I'm pushing a stock from a Halliburton spin-off, LightLogic, that collects a surcharge on all signs on public display in the two states because without sunlight the signs could not be read."

Not surprisingly Arizonians and Nevadans don't seem to mind. "I guess if that's what they gotta do, that's what they gotta a do. I hear it could eventually mean 53 more jobs for the state," said Loose Bakey of Fort Filth, Nevada. "Beats scavenging Yucca Mountain all to hell."

"I think sonar panels is a good idear. And if we have to give up sunlight to git it. Then so be it. Like Karl Marx said, 'logic is the money of the mind,'" mused Hayworth Smudge of Beastly Hot, Arizona.

The Cheney/Bush administration claimed the decision was "another clearcut victory for the environment and the American people."

Another issue resolved in the court decision involves the rule of 'Eminent Domain.' "The new laws will make it easier to seize someone's property for the general corporate good. "I mean if Bechtel wants to put up a mega-mall with solar panels all over the fuckin' roof somewhere out in the desert's ass lining, they can rip down ol' Gus Marzipan's gofer ranch and move him into a nursing home in Port Swego, Equatorial Guinea without so much as a by-thee-by from that ass stinkin' Gus. That's just old fashioned progress," effused Milsy Simpwater of Citicorp Commercial Realty.

A similar set of contracts, which involve six western states and the drilling rights to their air, are still pending. "We still have some questions. Certainly, if you don't pay your bill and Exxon/Mobil cuts off your air and you and your family die, the company bears no legal or ethical responsibility. After all, your billing is a good faith contract. But the corporations are still wrangling with the federal government over body removal and working on ways to override state probate laws which might make it difficult for Corporation's real estate subsidiaries to by up the vacated properties.

Jay Gould contributed to this article.