The Assassinated Press

What Do They Play at a Politician's Funeral? Wire taps. State Governor Held in US Probe.
Pre-Emptive Arrest Designed to Save Bank of America Millions. Bank Relents Fearing Bad PR.
FBI, ATF Threaten to Burn Out, Bomb Workers at Republic Windows & Doors ala Waco and MOVE.
Fitzgerald Indicts Several Unionized Workers in Scheme to Peddle Governorship.

The Assassinated Press

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been arrested hours after he threatened to ask the state to stop doing business with Bank of America if it does not help laid-off workers occupying a Chicago factory.

As part of the Homeland Security Quick Strike Pre-emptive Political Indictment Wire Tap Preparedness Program or HSQSPPIWTPP, Blagojevich has been accused of trying to trade the Senate seat left vacant by US President-elect Barack Obama.

“Ah, with the new powers Cheney gave us, we got shit on everybody,” commented FBI head Robert Mueller. “We can indict any American politician within 12 minutes after he or she threatens any powerful financial institution in the country. Fuck, why do you think the Cheney administration and Congress folded so quickly on the 3 trillion dollar financial bailout? They get a taste and we don’t fuck them up. Why else would you be a politician except to share the spoils in moments like bankrupting the American financial system?

“Fuck, we can act so fast to shut up a pol that gets out of line we make Hoover look like a disinterested third party. There isn’t a cocksucker in American politics today that is remotely clean. How the fuck do you think you get anywhere unless you’re a compromised felon with enormous ambition willing to kiss every corrupt and diseased ass on the planet, no exceptions. With these new wiretap laws, cameras everyfuckingwhere, spies, aerial drones and such we’ve just taken it to the next level and now follow and make political corruption in real time. Then when some asshole like Blagojevich threatens on our revered institutions, one of cathedrals, one of our holy places like Bank of America, we’re right there to take the motherfucker out. We got squads of prosecutors in there three piece suits flying around the country in refurbished 707’s waiting to be airlifted to a trouble spot like Blagojevich and Republic Windows & Doors . I mean fuck those workers. Plants closed. Get out before we burn you out!”

Mr. Blagojevich, as governor, has sole authority to select a successor to Mr Obama as junior Illinois senator.

FBI investigators said telephone intercepts showed he was trying to sell or trade the seat for personal benefit a common practice among American pols who have devised and legislated hundreds of ways to legitimize theft and who are rarely prosecuted unless they step out of line and offend the powers that be like former Governor Ryan Governor George Ryan who halted all death sentences in Illinois until they could be reviewed. After review Ryan had been forced to release 13 of 24 people on Illinois’s death row based on new evidence.

“We nailed that cocksucker Ryan,” Muller said. “Imagine that fat fuck releasing people from prison just because they’re innocent. Ike the song says ‘Justice is blind to them that own it’. But as soon as you cross our money gods, our fungible deities, our pantheon like Bank of America, we take the blinders off and pop your ass.”

There has been no official word from Mr Blagojevich's office, although he has denied previous corruption allegations.

Mr Blagojevich has since been released on bail, the Associated Press news agency reports.

Federal investigators, who have been working on a case against Mr Blagojevich since he began his political career back in college when he ran for head of the democratic club and currently aided by enormous amounts of funding and no laws protecting anyone’s privacy or constitutional rights, have now charged him with a number of offences including soliciting a bribe.

“With this new pre-emptive investigation program growing the string of assholes who get the do-gooder impulse just grows and grows—Ryan, Spitzer, Wellstone. Oh, we popped Wellstone? Shit.

The charges relate to a variety of corruption schemes in which the governor was allegedly involved, including so-called "pay to play" deals - the doling out of jobs, contracts and appointments in return for campaign contributions, a common practice in American politics and the quid pro quo that attracts most people to seek public office.

Mr Obama said he was "saddened and sobered as well as frightened" by the case, but insisted he had had no contact with the governor over the Senate seat. “Fuck. If they don’t have anyithng on you, they can always make shit up,” the President Elect told the Assassinated Press.

What Do They Play at a Politician's Funeral? Wire Taps.

The US Attorney's Office released a 76-page FBI affidavit detailing the charges against Mr Blagojevich, which includes transcripts of his telephone conversations intercepted by court rubber stamped wiretaps over the last month.

In the conversations, the Democratic governor allegedly discussed offering Mr Obama's Senate seat in return for getting a well-paid position at a non-profit organization or a group affiliated with trades unions, according to the affidavit or business as usual in American politics.

In the transcripts, on 3 November Mr Blagojevich said the seat was a "fucking valuable thing, you just don't give it away for nothing. Fuck, this America. I might just put it up on Ebay along with the 361,000 stolen watches. I don’t see no pussy prosecutor like Fitzgerald going after Ebay and you know why. It may be the largest fencing operation in the history of the world but its too big to fail."

The day after the presidential election, according to the affidavit, Mr Blagojevich was recorded as saying: "I've got this thing and it's fucking golden, and uh, uh, I'm just not giving it up for fucking nothing. Why should I be any different than Bill Clinton or Dick Cheney or any other cocksucking politician since the dawn of fucking time?" He also allegedly talked about getting his wife Patti placed on a corporate board. “Ah. Alleged laughed,” former Maryland governor Bob Ehrlich. “I got my wife on five fucking boards. Who doesn’t do this shit.”

Mr Blagojevich has also been charged with illegally threatening to block state aid to the company that owns the Chicago Tribune newspaper.

Mr Blagojevich allegedly demanded that the company fire members of its editorial board in return for financial assistance in the sale of Wrigley Field, a Chicago sports stadium.

The governor's chief of staff, John Harris, has also been arrested.

New Low. But For Who?

At a press conference, Patrick Fitzgerald, the US lawyer in charge of the investigation who couldn’t get shit on Cheney and his cronies, described Mr Blagojevich's actions as a "corruption crime spree." But one would have to ask how he would know after fucking or covering up the Valerie Plame investigation which like Watergate was just the tip of the iceberg as regards Executive Branch felonies.

And he said that the allegations represented a "truly new low" and a "sad day for government" in Illinois, but compared to Washington this ain’t shit.

"The conduct would make Lincoln roll over in his grave," he added. And the new pre-emptive mode of justice would make him role his eyes in the grave if the poor motherfucker had any pulp left in his sockets.

Mr. Fitzgerald stressed that there were no allegations in the case against Mr Obama or his transition team. But that Obama better watch his step and “not tread on the toes of one of the icons of American capital, the Vatican of U.S. finance, the Wailing Wall of Wall Street money changers---Bank of America.”

Mr. Fitzgerald has been involved in a number of high-profile prosecutions in recent years and sucked at all of them.

He led the case against the former vice-presidential chief of staff, Lewis "Scooter" Libby and got nowhere naikling Libby on a minor charge and letting the rest of the Cheney cabal of murderers roam free, as well as heading up the investigation into media tycoon Conrad Black.

The prosecutor was also involved in the corruption trial of Mr Blagojevich's predecessor as Illinois governor, George Ryan which is no surprise for those who give a shit about justice as opposed to Fitzgerald who just gives a shit about his political career.

Mueller cautioned against coming down too hard on Fitzgerald. “You know that cocksucker knows that we know every fucking thing about him. So what’s he gonna? Come clean. We’d fucking crucify him, maybe literally.”

Three of the state's governors have been jailed on corruption charges in the last 35 years which demonstrates how few try to fuck with the Temple on the Mount, tye Burning Bush, the End of the Rainbow that is Bank of America.