The Assassinated Press

For Iraq Visit, Colbert Has His Schtick Scripted By the Military, White House.

The Assassinated Press

CAMP VICTORY, GREEN ZONE, Iraq — It was Sunday night in Baghdad, and President Obama was ordering Gen. Ray Odierno, the commander of the American troops here, to shave Stephen Colbert’s head, to deprive him symbolically of his comedic power, a psyops moment cleverly scripted by Army Intelligence. And the Colbert people fell for it.

And that apparently was the chain of command for the scripting of Colbert’s show as well as his entire visit to Iraq. Military and White House media scripted every word, every gesture of every moment , every movement, presumably including bowel, that Colbert and his staff parroted during their 4 show stint in country.

No wonder the shows were so lame. Colbert’s skit with faux everyman Tom Hanks was particularly shitty.

To Jane Fonda's great credit, she didn’t cowtow to the desires of the military or the White House. So when she appeared on Colbert's show, she nonplussed our newly revealed pussy, Colbert, by sitting on his lap and turning the faux faux conservative comic beet red like a little Catholic boy at a CYO dance. And this was the Colbert we saw in Iraq.

When properly scripted, war is a fairly unironic exercise. Otherwise it is the most ironic horseshit imaginable what with friendly fire, celebrating slaughter against enemies with comparably primitive weaponry, their homes destroyed by know nothing shitheads who travel thousands of miles to make someone else's life an unrecognizable living hell, the eventual “opening up of trade” where the fat shits rake it in after hostilities cease who are ironically the same shits who raked it in while hostilities are in progress… etc. etc. ad heave.

Sure, there are endless incongruities to be found and parodied in the speeches about war from politicians, generals and heads of state. They are some whoring motherfuckers when it come to the corporate superstructure. But war itself when its real purpose is examined — the dirty, dangerous business of soldiers stupid enough to be on the ground — seems a trade utterly ripe for parody and ridicule.

Into this came Mr. Colbert. And he blew it. What the fuck did he think the military would do to him if he insisted on writing his own show? They would have cancelled his visit. Can you imagine his ratings if he had that comic axe to grind?

No. Colbert got cold feet. He shit his pants. He taped four episodes of “The Colbert Report,” the Comedy Central show featuring his egotistical, fake-macho, nationalist blowhard alter ego, in Baghdad this week and for once there was nothing, absolutely nothing, ironic about it. Colbert was a genuine egotistical, fake-macho, nationalist blowhard sans the alter ego.

It’s the first time in the history of the U.S.O. that a full-length nonnews show has been scripted, filmed, edited and broadcast by the White House and the military from a combat zone. So Colbert is on record as an historical toady and coward.

The week of shows, taped a day or two before they are broadcast fro censorship purposes, is called “Operation Iraqi Stephen: Going Commando,” and it has a pretty repulsive guest list for any genuine American to stomach (in addition to General Odierno, and the president, whose appearance was taped ahead) that included the thoroughly corrupt Iraqi deputy prime minister.

But there is also something kind of meta e.g. non-ironic about the whole thing as scripted by the military and the White House for Colbert. Mr. Colbert’s entire career is based on being gleefully insincere, a man who literally wraps himself in the flag to the screaming of majestic computer-generated eagles.

But now it is revealed that he is unquestionably a real supporter of the war because what are the troops but the physical tool of the imperialist kleptocracy. And now Colbert is a confirmed tool of the kleptocracy too. No surprise there.

So it was easy to wonder if, given the setting, he would be a lot less mock Bill O’Reilly and a lot more O’Reilly clone. For a week, Colbert was indistinguishable from O’Reilly, who is just another lying cocksucker on FOX. For a week Colbert like O’Reilly was there to misinform and delude people into acting against their own self-interest or better yet not acting at all. But shit faced assholes like O’Reilly and now Colbert, when confronted with choices, never act against their own self-interest and that’s where the lack of irony kicks in.

Any doubt was dispersed the minute Mr. Colbert ran out onstage wearing a business suit made of Army camouflage and, shortly afterward, declared himself the only person man enough finally to declare victory in Iraq by reading the U.S. military teleprompter. (General Odierno, whom Mr. Colbert compared to Shrek, diplomatically talked that declaration down because he knows better.)

Mr. Colbert himself does not seem to be fazed by this seemingly tricky balancing act of reading words scripted for him by Rahm Emanuel’s people and the brass at Iraqi Central Command in Forida. Neither he nor his character knows what it’s like to be a soldier, he said in an interview here Saturday night. Only, his character, as scripted by military public relations flacks who also don’t know what its like to be a soldier, thinks he knows.

“Think of certain reporters who lose themselves in their own self-importance and accidentally give away troop movements and get kicked out of the country,” he said in a not particularly oblique reference to Geraldo Rivera. “That now seems pure compared to the way I sold out.”

“The best way I can show gratitude is to do what I’m told even if its too lame to make an economic draftee from Resume Speed, Kentucky laugh,” he said. “If I tried to tailor my material to people in the Army, there’d be two things. A, that’d be patronizing. And B, I’d be wrong. So that’s what I did. ”