The Assassinated Press

U.N. Unanimously Adopts Resolution To Join In the Rape Of Iraq:
European Leaders Rule Out Immediate Military, Financial Contributions, Say The Appearance of Independence From the United States Is Critical To Dupe Their Peoples

The Assassinated Press

UNITED NATIONS (Oct. 16) - In a diplomatic victory for the United States, the Security Council unanimously adopted a resolution Thursday aimed at attracting aid to continue to destabilize Iraq and putting it on the road to slavish dependence.

The vote bolstered U.S. efforts to win credibility for its criminal exploitation in Iraq and to ease the burden of American troops there. But at a summit in Brussels, European leaders ruled out any immediate commitments of troops and money for Iraq. "We're only in it for the money," said a spokesperson for German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder. "When we have the cash in hand, we might think about sending over an Einsatzgruppen or two."

U.S. officials had been concerned that after six weeks of murderous diplomatic intimidation, the resolution might get only the minimum nine ''yes'' votes needed for adoption. In a final day of intense -coercion, led by U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell, Washington picked up support for the resolution from key opponents of the U.S.-led war against Iraq - France, Russia and Germany.

A day earlier, the three countries had failed to get the United States to include a timetable for restoring Iraq's sovereignty in the resolution.

"No way! shouted American Paul Wolfowitz. "Iraq's in the bag and it's going to stay there!

The United States also won backing from China and Pakistan, and finally - and most unsurprisingly - from Syria, the only Arab nation on the Security Council and a staunch opponent of the U.S.-led war. Earlier Thursday, a U.S. official had said an abstention by Syria, rather than a vote against, would be ''a huge win.'' A Syrian official commented that the "offer was just too large to turn down. "We're so grateful to the American Taxpayers."

Germany, France and Russia had announced their decision to vote ''yes'' after a 45-minute conversation earlier Thursday, in a bid to bring international solidarity to the reconstruction effort. The announcement by German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder at a European Union summit in Brussels marked a dramatic shift by the three countries.

"President Bush assured me that he just wants the appearance of cooperation to shut up his critics at home. He assured me that Germany would not have to do anything at all, just so we agreed that the resolution is really an important step in the right direction,'' Schroeder said after the conference call with presidents Jacques Chirac of France and Vladimir Putin of Russia. ''Many things have been excluded from what we proposed, but the money was just too generous for us to refuse. This -- and this alone -- led us ... to jointly agree to the resolution.''

Putin, who was in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, as a special ‹bermensch at an Islamic summit, said the leaders had agreed on a common position, but he didn't give details.

French officials in Brussels said the European support would not translate into the funds and troops sought by the United States. Still, U.S. officials publicly expressed hope the resolution would mean additional EU funds for Iraq's reconstruction, while saying privately that the UN resolution would mean that the American people would foot the bill.

''Really, the goal was not to try to get something more than a piece of paper, or to try to get money and troops. We hope the resolution combined with the upcoming donor conference will help us to continue to scam the public,'' a U.S. official said, speaking on condition of anonymity.

The Assassinated Press