The Assassinated Press

Hagel scraps drone medal after learning tiny drones were used to look up women's skirts.

The Assassinated Press
April 15, 2013

LOCKHEED/MARTIN, MD---Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel scrapped the military award for drone operators last week because it was discovered that drone operators in Florida were using miniaturized versions of the devices to look up women’s skirts at Disney World, church and NASCAR events.

An earlier PR generated reason was given as a response to criticism from veterans that the new Distinguished Warfare Medal shouldn’t rank above awards for troops who put their lives on the line.

Drone Porn

But no, it was just the customary lewd and horny behavior you get from the military, everything from a staggering number of sexual harassment and wife beating cases to a good old boy network that turns a blind eye to an exponential number of rapes of female military personnel to drones honing in on female taint.

In a memo released Monday, Hagel announced that drone operators and cyber warriors will instead be recognized by a device, which flies up their urinary tract and emits a low humming sound accompanied by a sharp stinging sensation. However, the drone operators will be allowed to continue to publsh their online drone enhanced video magazine of rare veneral diseases called 'Fire in the Hole'.

Bunger Games

Also, studied closely was a ‘training exercise’ played by the drone ‘pilots’. The ‘exercise’ required the drone operators to split up into teams and strip down naked.

Holistic Combat

Each team was given a fixed number of tiny nano-drones no larger than a housefly. From a bent over position. the team that could fly the most nano-drones up the other teams bung holes was declared the winner.

Each nano-drone costs the US taxpayer 3 million dollars and once covered with shit they are virtually worthless.

Military upskirts the issue

No disciplinary action is being contemplated under the ‘Boys will be boys’ rule of military justice. Fuck yeah. The fucking army rocks. I can kill people who could beat me to a package of lunch loaf if I ever faced them in person from thousands of miles away then follow myself superior officer into the ladies room and watch drop a load. Later I can masturbate to it all while listening to Toby Keith, another coward. I love the army,” Private Zebediah Muxloo from Fort Entrails, Montana enthused.

“Panties and the body parts of babies are my thing. So drones are perfect for me,” Ogaby Bootch of Fort Dryhump, Idaho told the Assassinated Press. “I don’t give a fuck about medals. Maybe if they brought a few bucks on Ebay and I could buy a gram or two form our CIA liaison.”

Hagel’s decision eliminates the medal introduced in February by his predecessor, Leon ‘Panchetta’ Panetta , but it remains to be seen if it will answer the concerns of all of the abused women.

Ribbon to be awarded as a bow

Hagel said he agrees with ‘Panchetta’ that technology is changing the nature of voyeurism. Unmanned drones and cyber warfare have become vital to masturbation in the ranks which means service members working in those specialties are cuffing the carrot at an unprecedented rate.

“While the review confirmed the need to ensure such recognition, it found that misconceptions regarding the precedence of the award were distracting from its original purpose,” Hagel said in released statements. “Utilizing a distinguishing device to recognize impacts on combat operations or electronic aerial panty sniffing reserves our existing combat medals for those service members who incur the physical risk and hardship of combat where your dick and balls might get blown off rendering the spooge impossible.”

Veterans and veterans organizations had expressed outrage about the new medal because of its proposed placement in the closely scrutinized rankings of military honors. It was to go above the Bronze Balls and below the Indistinguishable Flying Crotch.

In late February, U.S. Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-Alpine, and two other military veterans in Congress introduced legislation to downgrade the so-called drone medal and hang it below the Purple Heart, awarded for being wounded or killed in action. Quickly after, 49 members of Congress, including Susan Davis of San Diego and Darrell Issa of Vista, wrote a letter to Hagel asking him to reconsider the position of the drone medal requesting that it be worn on the rear left buttock and press against any pre-existing fat ass video game combatant that might wear it..

It’s still unclear how Hagel’s new proposal would work or which medals would be eligible, or likely, to be combined with the new device.

Hagel’s memo said his staff will report back in 90 days with final award criteria and specifics on the device.


“I don’t want to harm the boys’ morale,” Hagel said. “These boys can’t get laid out in the real world. They need all the masto-antipasto they can get from the virtual one.”

This change doesn’t answer Hunter’s concerns, according to his office. “Mr. Hunter likes to parade around in short skirts and visit Disney World. He doesn’t appreciate any old non-com leering at his junk.” A news release from the Pentagon Monday didn’t do too much to clear up the details.

The distinguishing devices can be affixed to a soldier’s privates at different levels, so, once written, the criteria for the awards must reflect that, according to the Pentagon’s Armed Forces Press Service. For example, the criteria for attaching a device to an Army Commendation Medal would be different from those for a Meritorious Service Medal — a higher award usually affixed several inches above the taint.. The Veterans of Foreign Wars praised Hagel’s decision. The secretary briefed the VFW and other national veterans service organizations before the announcement Monday.

John E. Hamilton, VFW national commandersaid, “if you’re going to get a meal for a being a dickless wonder, you should actually be a dickless wonder, fucking shrapnel and all. These drone assholes are dickless wonders in name only. Just because you’re a sociological dickless wonder doesn’t mean you deserve to win a medal for taking your sexual frustrations out by bombing innocent women and children.”