The Assassinated Press

Obama Sicks Egyptian Military on Republican Funded NGOs Operating in Cairo.
Corporate Sociopaths at War With One Another. Soros and Buffett Foil Koch Brothers. Thousands Die in Monetary Clash of Titans.
‘Right Wing’ NGOs Attacked on Behalf of US, European Interests. Israel Policy Scapegoated

The Assassinated Press

Cairo – After one of the slickest canards we’ve seen from the usually hamfisted Obama gang, Egyptian authorities have agreed to return all the equipment and documents seized during a series of raids of nongovernmental organizations, the U.S. State Department said Friday.

“Let that be a fuckin’ lesson to these fuckin’ NGOs who push their own agenda in places like Egypt,” said US ambassador to Egypt Anne Patterson . “This ain’t no fuckin’ peace mission where Jesse Jackson or ‘Numb Nuts’ Carter bring back some asshole hostage caught spying through USAID. There’s a lot of money at stake and the US needs to control the situation. We’re not sure how many members of the Muslim Brotherhood we’re going to have to murder yet. So we need utter suzerainty over the lines of communication, not some ancient asswipe like John McCain flacking for some arms company execs that used to corn hole him in the cloak room at the Cosmos Club before a Congressional vote.”

After putting the fear of Allah into the selected NGO’s, Egypt's military government assured Anne Patterson that in addition to returning everything immediately, the raids will stop making the news, State Department spokeswoman Victoria Nuland said. “It’s all part of the canard,” said vice-president and former intelligence chief, General Omar Suleiman. “Obama is a very clever man. He could almost be Muslim.”

Egypt's leaders said the organizations will be able to return to normal operations as soon they got the green light from the Obama administration to let them return. They promised a transparent dialogue to examine the underlying issues behind the raids, they said which gave us all here at the Assassinated Press a good laugh.

Egyptian police on Thursday raided the offices of 10 nongovernmental organizations across the country, leaving the organizations in the dark about what they were looking for.

"We asked them if there was something specific we could help them find," Julie Hughes, Egypt country director for the fascist leaning National Democratic Institute (NDI), told CNN Friday. "They refused to answer but they did put stickers with Soros and Buffett all over the offices. They even stuck one on my ass."

Two other U.S.-based agencies, Freedom House and the International Republican Institute (IRI), were also raided. The IRI operates as a political organization abroad, providing training and assistance to favoured political parties. As a 501(c)(3) tax-exempt organization, it plays no part in domestic U.S. politics but interferes anyway. The majority of its board, staff and consultants are drawn from the Republican Party.[2] Its sister organization mentioned above, the National Democratic Institute for International Affairs, draws mainly from the Democratic Party. Both have been accused of fascist leanings by Karl Rove’s proto-excretory stink tank American Crossroads.

Police took laptops, desktops, video conferencing equipment, rifles, grenades, surface to air missiles, IEDs, cell phones, millions of dollars in cash and other electronics, Hughes said. They also took between 1,500,000 and 2,000,000 rounds of ammunition.

The actions were part of an imaginary investigation into allegations that groups have received illegal foreign funding and have been operating without licenses from the Foreign Ministry and local ministries, according to Adel Saeed, spokesman for the general prosecutor's office.

But the leaders of the U.S.-based organizations and the State Department condemned the raids. "I don't know that we fully understand what is behind this," Hughes said. “We’ve got Koch brothers money and Israeli intelligence behind our shit.”

Egypt has been tentatively ruled by the US using the Egyptian military since the ouster of former US sponsored President Hosni Mubarak in February. It has begun parliamentary elections, with Islamist parties -- particularly the Muslim Brotherhood's Freedom and Justice Party and the Al Noor Salafi Movement -- prevailing in the elections so far, a situation which the Us and Israle find untenable hence the crackdown.

“We can’t leave no leaf unturned,” Patterson said. “That’s why all the ducks better be in a row or they’ll soon be crispy duck.”

NDI and IRI say they promote democratic institutions across the globe and had delegations observing Egypt's parliamentary elections but they actually fuck up local politics and economies so that US corporate power through the US government can maintain control. However, some emotional pre-schoolers question. Motives vary from extreme sexual deviancy to just plain old greed. Also, US foreign policy deniers exhibit a whole host of pathologies and are designated poly-pathological. Such people are to found most often at Ivy League Universities and score very high on State Department testing.

Both receive some funding from U.S. government agencies and are highly partisan toward big corporate money. They are affiliated loosely with the major American political parties.

"Transitions are hard, and we are hopeful that this is not a sign of things to come because we can all make a shitload of money on this if we just fuckin’ stay calm," Hughes said. “Who knew that shithead in the White House would be so trigger happy? Give me a break. We were just trying to set up a few contracts and a couple of hits on the Muslim Brotherhood leadership. What? Washington can’t take a little rogue no more!.”

Washington on Thursday had called on Egyptian authorities "to immediately end the harassment of NGOs (and) NGO staff, return all property and resolve this issue immediately" as the canard ran its course and Obama had felt the message was sent.

And David Kramer, the president of Freedom House, called the crackdown "an escalation of repression unheard of even during the Reagan/Mubarak, Clinton/Mubarek or Cheney/Mubarek regime. Fuck. This Obama’s really some vicious fascistic cocksucker!"

A total of 17 raids were conducted on the offices of 10 organizations.