The Assassinated Press

Monsanto has been genetically modifying its employees for decades.

The Assassinated Press

For over 30 years, Monsanto Corporation has been using genetic modification to boost productivity and quality of life in its employees.

The company’s pilot project began in 1981 when genetic material from collies was spliced into the DNA of their chemical engineers to boost employee loyalty. “That’s why someone from our bio-development department will greet you by putting his paws on your chest and licking your face,” chief of bio-genetic research Billy Bob Mengele told the Assassinated Press. “And we haven’t had an engineer voluntarily leave us in 30 years.”

“Ah, here comes one of our earliest genetically altered employees, Bobby de Fido. Bobby you’ve been with us since 1984 and have never once asked for a raise. Or a vacation, or a coffee break for that matter.”

“Aarf. Aarf,” replied Mr. De Fido.

Mengele began rubbing Bobby behind the ears. “And when that bad old union organizer came around you bit him on the ankle, didn’t you. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?”

“Well, Bobby today’s your lucky day. You’re gonna get a raise.” And Mengele pulled a quarter from his pocket and said “Go fetch, Bobby. Go Fetch.”

And the 54 year old chemical engineer and 34 year Monsanto employee skittered across the tile floor chasing the bouncing coin.

“We introduced ant DNA into our warehouse people to increase strength and endurance and bovine DNA to create a more placid work environment and milk production.”

“DNA from the cold water flounder allows our workers and technicians to function in sub zero cold, saving on heating costs. Likewise DNA from the desert dung beetle allows our people to operate in temperatures as high as 160 degrees Fahrenheit without a loss in production. The down side is their urge to roll enormous balls of dung about their work station.”

“Cactus DNA heightens the efficient use of water in sever e environments and DNA derived from the charcoal grub allows our employees to hyper-filter their own urine through their kidneys for drinking and bathing.” Monsanto’s advances show enormous promise for the survival of the planet.

“We have created a worker that consumes virtually nothing while on the job or GAP (genetically altered production), but is utterly dependent on hyper-consumption or GAHC (genetically altered hyper-consumption) when off the job. This has increased corporate exponentially while maintaining profits derived from high levels of consumption. “

Many years ago Monsanto introduced the so-called ‘Greed Gene’ into the general US population. The Greed Gene also called the Gordon Gekko Bug introduced into the patient’s system during routine vaccinations was spliced into the hunger gene in humans to create an insatiable urge to buy and own things whether the subject could afford them or not.

The program was funded by the major banks and their credit card affiliates. As a result US consumer debt had grown 53,000% since 1984.

At the end of my tour of Monsanto’s gigantic facility in Mouth of Hell, Missouri, Billy Bob Mengele revealed to me that he too was from genetically altered stock. “Unlike Monsanto seed products, the seed I came from germinates.” “You may be familiar with its place of origin. Auschwitz. “