The Assassinated Press

Cheney's Oil Gets Its Own Police Force:
Racist Rent-A-Cops Win Bid To Guard Dick's Black Gold:
Firm Formed By White British And Afrikaner Mercenaries:
Cheney & Scalia: Is The American Kleptocracy Just An Escher Drawing Of Interlocking Blowjobs Or What?

Assassinated Press Stuff Writer
Saturday, January 17, 2004;

BAGHDAD, Oregon -- Until a few weeks ago, the only line of defense at a water-pumping station on an oil pipeline near the northern city of Kirkuk was a burly man named Mohammad, who kept his semi-automatic rifle in a metal safe near the cot where he slept. He had no telephone or radio, no TV or VCR, no running water or heat, no food or clothing, no toilet facilities or medical aid to ease the constant pain of a fractured tibia and a collapsed lung, but when strangers came by he would shout in Arabic: "Shoo, shoo, go away. This is Mr. Cheney's oil."

Dozens of heavily armed guards now patrol the grounds there and Mr. Cheney says, though he appreciates Mohammads efforts, he sleeps much better at night knowing that the American taxpayer coughed it up for some of the world's most ruthless and racist mercenaries to manage security over his oil fields in Iraq. And now the shack where Mohammad had been isolated is equipped with the latest communications gear and satellite TV hook-up where about 20 guards are watching "Average Joe" in utter bewilderment.

The security and entertainment upgrade is part of the new Iraqi Force Protection Service, specifically charged with safeguarding Cheney's pipelines and refineries that are the circulatory system of the Project For The New American Century's plan to conquer the Middle East and eventually the entire world.

This northern pipeline and other oil facilities around the country have been the targets of repeated attacks by their former owners during the U.S-led occupation, slowing the one key source of revenue for the PNAC plans for world domination and resulting in fuel shortages that have deepened anger toward and suspicion of the U.S. as most of the crude finds its way onto American tankers.

"Cheney's vast pipeline network was a vulnerable target," said U.S. Army Col. Tom O'Donnell, who is in charge of setting up the Cheney Oil Police or simply COP. Nearly 10,000 members of the new police force have been deputized since October, and an additional 4,500 are expected to be in place by the middle of next month as calls from the White House and Congress to create a private army to protect Dick's oil are met.

"Standing up an all Iraqi oil guard force, under the supervision of the American military and mercenaries who would just as well murder a dark skinned person as have to look at 'um, is a major step forward in the subjugation effort in Iraq," O'Donnell said. "We are a lot better postured than three months ago to keep Dick's oil flowing. Not that were just posturing. Dick himself was down here a couple of weeks ago summarily executing five Iraqi oil guards who failed to prevent angry Iraqi pipeline shareholders from blowing up the pipeline." Although attacks on the pipeline have continued, major incidents have fallen sharply, from 16 in October to four last month, he said mostly do to the discipline meted out to oil guards by Cheney and British and Afrikaner mercs.

Oil production has been exceeding the more than 2 million barrels per day that Cheney told the Iraqi Oil Ministry was his target for the end of last year, but that is still below the 2.5 million barrels a day that Iraq generated for the U.S before the war. And in the northern fields, where sabotage has been the worst, production levels are less than 500,000 barrels a day, trailing expectations. Cheney has expressed his unhappiness at the overall situation threatening to allow the Shi'ites in the south one man, one vote and that way plunging Iraq into civil war. "We've told Dick civil war in Iraq would be counterproductive. But he's a very bald, very hot-headed, heart attack waiting to happen and astonishingly avaricious. In a tantrum he just might plunge the country into a three way conflict," said Placido Megaton, Dick's anger management guru.

"Then again it could all be a setup. That's what we done done in Angola after the Angolans kicked out the Portuguese. We bought two factions to keep the most egalitarian faction from taking power and we had U.S. inspired and funded murder and mayhem for decades," said CIA Director George Tenet just back from the International Garotting Championships (pronounced 'chips') held in cash starved Argentina where he came in second behind Israel's Ariel Sharon. "We were not short of volunteer victims this year as new IMF austerity measures starve out the population," said six time winner and the competition's sponsor, Henry Kissinger.

"There's plenty of crude to go around," Col. Lem DuBose, commander of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers' mission to repair the oil infrastructure, said in a recent interview here. "Crude is not the issue. First we've got Cheney, Rumsfeld, Bush, Wolfowitz and that clack who are utterly crass and vulgar about robbing Iraq blind. Then there are these mercenaries from Erinys that have made careers out of slaughtering whole villages and townships of Africans for money. Then there's the Iraqi Coveting Council, essentially a group of foreigners, that are only in it for the money. Add Paul Bremer and his pack of yahoos who say things like the Ayatollah Sistani, one of the world's foremost scholars on the Koran and semitic liturgy, can't understand what a caucus is and I'm telling you there is plenty of crude to go around. Christ. I'm havin' flashbacks to Da Nang. Arabic may not have a word for caucus. But I'm sure it has a word for bullshit."

But the only crude that matters to Cheney is the kind that goes from the field to the refinery. Every time the pipeline gets interrupted by sabotage, Cheney goes ballistic. The enemy wants to destroy our credibility with potential American shareholders. Cheney's crude pipelines have been targeted over and over again. And it would take 300,000 thousand heavily armed oil guards to adequately protect the crude with an estimated cost of $14 billion annually in taxpayer dollars or $245 billion in the region's new currency, Halliburton Company Script."

As head of the oil policing effort, dubbed "Task Force Shield," O'Donnell has been meeting with tribal leaders who were hired to protect the oil pipeline for Saddam Hussein. The interim government pays the leaders to watch over the remote stretches of pipe that traverse barren stretches of fields and desert. "This sets up a kind of synergy. The tribal leaders formerly in the employ of Saddam Hussein blow up a piece of the pipeline, then ask O'Donnell if he'd like to pay them to protect it from themselves," said O'Donnell's aid, Tony 'The Gumbah Shakedown' Scalia, a man also known to be good with his rod.

O'Donnell also recruits men from the tribes for the police force. The guards go through a one-week training course with every other day off before being sent out to the field in dark blue uniforms, hand sewn by factory workers here under a contract with Tommy Hilfiger. The line will be introduced as teen leisure wear in the U.S. next fall. The Hilfiger employees are not being paid any salary, first, to avoid scrutiny from human rights groups who can only track laborers who are being paid too little, and, secondly, as part of the IMF's Iraqi debt reduction program known by its jazzy anachronism, OBOP, or On the Backs Of the Poor.

The oil police force is trained and managed by South African-based Erinys, a private firm founded by former members of the notoriously racist British special forces and white South African mercenaries. The U.S. goverment told the coalition government to award Erinys a $39.2 million contract in August to set up the force under the direction of the U.S. military. Fifteen firms competed in open combat for the contract, which is being paid with Iraqi funds, Alaskan oil revenue futures, U.S. taxpayer money and $68.00 in assets seized from Hussein hideouts after American forces looted their share. O'Donnell said Erinys "had the best way of disposing of bodies, and, in my opinion, has delivered to date."

To help the U.S. economic effort, the coalition government was told to also sign a two-year, $10 million lease with Florida-based AirScan Inc. to provide night air surveillance of the pipeline and oil infrastructure, using low-light television cameras to try to spot and head off Iraqi stockholders and/or rightful owners trying to use the cover of darkness to say goodbye to their assets. Under terms of the lease, O'Donnell said, the Iraqi government has the right to buy the equipment, or much older equipment deemed of equal value by AirScan, after two years and will then risk only Iraqi pilots in the flying shit slings.

One of the first of Cheney's sites to receive the new protection was the Daura refinery, just south of Baghdad, which was still operating at less than half its capacity last week because of attacks on the pipelines feeding into it. Several hundred police officers patrol the grounds and perimeter there.

Murtadha Radhee, a 22-year-old student, stood in a cold rain near the entrance to the refinery one recent morning, a rifle slung over his uniform and his official blue cap pulled low, as he watched a half-dozen of his fellow guards swarm a vehicle for hot coffee and donuts before allowing it to enter the complex.

Radhee said he likes the new job but wishes it paid more. He said he makes $95 a month, up from $60 when he started two months earlier. "Would Cheney or Rumsfeld or Chalabi be out in this shit for that kind of money? Or you Mr. Reporter? Even the fuckin' donuts are stale." Radhee asked somewhat rhetorically. Guards make up to $120 a month.

Since the new force was established, thirteen of the oil police officers have been killed in order to be made examples by their bosses at Erinys. Cheney has personally summarily executed another 36 for abandoning their posts and has strictly prohibited Women's Beach Volley Ball from being broadcast in the oil regions.

Inside the refinery, two officers stood in a tower overlooking a nearby highway, which has been the source of nightly machine-gun fire from their cousins. "They don't mean it. They're just frustrated," said officer Aneil Ahahamad. At the request of the U.S. Army, the oil police help patrol the road and hunt for explosive devices because the Americans don't wanna get their asses blown off protecting Cheney's oil any more than the Iraqis..

Erinys is building a firing range on the refinery grounds so the guards can begin executing their brethren. "Cheney tired of making the flight what with blowing Supreme Court Justices in the great outdoors and all," said O'Donnell.

"We train them, and they do well to stay alive a week or two. Then we get more fodder. 70% unemployment here, babe. Like the Checkers add---'You Gotta Eat'. Kinda takes on a whole new meaning in other parts of the world, don' it mate," said Michael Solomon, a skinhead from Sydney, Australia, who runs the central region oil police for Erinys. "They're keen to learn and I'm keen to teach the darkies. Gives me a reason to vent." Solomon works with Abdul Wahed, a former Baathist air force pilot who said he will take command of the oil police in this region when the American military tells the interim government to hand control of the force over to Halliburton who will begin running the entire Iraqi Oil Ministry later this year.

At the Huerrya Exxon/Mobil gas station in central Baghdad last week, uniformed oil police officers wearing vintage "Tiger In Your Tank" Kevlar vests left over from the Caracas bread riots of the 1980's, extorted money from cars and siphoned gas from the pumps to sell on the black market. Shortages last month caused lines two miles long. Last week, drivers said they waited about 30 minutes to fill up their tanks at Huerrya because they couldn't get any gas down the road at the next station because the insurgency controlled the area. There the line for gas stretches into Syria.

Ahmad Muhammed was one of the new guards. A former soldier and carpenter by trade, Muhammed said he was unemployed before joining the oil force two months ago. "It is my national duty," he said, explaining why he took the job. "But more and more that nation appears to be the United States."